So long 2012!

Well, the month of December has been a total diet flop.  I believe I worked out a grand total of three days this month (yikes!) and lost 3 lbs solely due to anxiety (which I gained back thanks to this freaking cold). It ended up being a heck of a month over here! Mom had knee replacement surgery and on that same day my husband started at his new job so there were a few adjustments that needed to take place! And once I got into a comfy groove Christmas and all its madness was upon us! Now sick with the mother of all sinus infections/colds I am out for the count.  Screw this month and all its difficulties! But I am still just fine with where I am as far as my weight loss.  I've not gone so far backwards that I can't fix it!

At the beginning of 2012, I made a set of resolutions, nothing super crazy as I have done in years past, but just some pretty general goals for this year that I am proud to say were for the large part all accomplished! And it feels good to say that I can check those things off my list! This new year will be no different, and one of my big goals for the year is to lose a grand total of 47 (it was supposed to be 40!) pounds this year, putting no specific amount on any month as in the past, because somehow setting an amount to lose each month hasn't worked for me. Maybe I'll decide to lose more once that 40 is gone but I feel for my body that I'd be comfy at 160, and that I'd probably look pretty good and not too skinny per husband's request! Also on the table is to run my first half marathon, either the Disney half in Sept or the Las Vegas rock n roll in Dec.  With a few 5k's peppered in here and there.

In high school I was a mediocre student, just skating by with minimal effort and getting mostly B's and the occasional A or C and I always wondered what my life would have been like had I put forth the effort in school and worked hard.  I could have gone to a really good college (and would have been stuck in some crazy job that would pay well but make me crazy I'm sure) but the mediocrity is carried over to my dieting life as well.  As an "average" dieter I have managed to lose 25 lbs this year with a pretty moderate effort and I can imagine what I would have lost giving 110% all the time.  So one of my soft goals this year is to try a little bit harder each month, and to not dwell on my failures but thrive on the small successes.

And so, with that,  I wish you and yours a blessed new year! May you set some goals and go out and achieve them! Now get out there and get moving!

Progress Report

Try this on for size, watching the Victoria's Secret fashion show, having taco bell for lunch and writing about my weight loss for the month. Things that just don't sound like they fit together! But this is my life! I say, forget the idea of "normalcy" when it comes to dieting and getting healthy! I will probably never look like a VS model and I'm ok with that.  And I'm going to eat what I want (within limits) and not tell myself I can never eat something again.  I am getting healthy my way, and it's working!

Did I meet my goal of 10 lbs this month? No, just half. Did I lose tons of inches? No, just one. And I am proud of what I've done this far.  Here are some accomplishments that I did make this month:

I stopped nursing Lucas the beginning of the month and had a ton of trouble losing anything for the first two weeks, even with Jillian four days a week! So I quit Jill for a minuet and spent the next 2.5 weeks running. Ah! My old fling running, we quickly became reacquainted and the pounds started to come off. And I hit some major milestones with my running, my fastest mile time, 13:13!! The last time I saw a mile like this was my freshman year...of high school! I cried, I felt like a million bucks the whole rest of the day.  A couple of days later I ran the entire two miles with out walking, and I cried that day too! I squeezed my butt into a pair of jeans two sizes smaller than I have been wearing for years and I have to wear all my bras on the last hook (that's probably mostly due to nursing!  Good thing the hubby is working now so I can buy some smaller bras!) and I have hit my lowest weight since before I had kids! This was a monumental month for me! It may have not been my biggest loss, but it was by far my most rewarding!

This coming month I am changing my routine a bit.  I can't expect to lose more than 5 lbs a month by only working out for 20-30 minuets 5 times a day! So 3 days a week I'll be doing 45-50 mins of cardio and strength training and the other 2-3 days just 20-30 of cardio.  I will also be adding a mile to my run on Saturdays until it gets comfy, then I'll be running 3 miles 3-4 days a week.  If you want big results, you need to go big! I am also sticking really close to my calorie intake of 1200-1550 per day, as I am not nursing anymore it's very important to stay within those limits so that I will be able to hit my goal for this month.  I originally wanted to set a small goal of only 5 lbs for this month as it has been difficult to hit my goals the last 2 months, but I am a mere 8 lbs form being 199.  I haven't been out of my 200's since before E was born! And now I am only 8 lbs away!!!  You have no idea how thrilled I am, and I am sure that this will be enough to motivate me to bust my butt this month and meet that goal!

I wanted to ask you a question though...what do you think about starting a group of us that are trying to get healthy to chat, give advice, maybe meet up and work out once a week?? Anyone interested?

Ugh! Now that this baby is mobile I have to chase him around the un-baby proofed house! I'd better get running!

I'll have some posts about how to keep the holidays from ruining your diet and next month, before during and after pictures as I hopefully hit my first goal!!

Failure can be a good thing

I set out a goal to lose 10 lbs this month, like I did in September. I thought it would be easy. I honestly thought my great motivation and will power would keep up and I would even lose 15 lbs! I felt so strong and so empowered by that first 10 lbs that I thought for sure I could take on the world!

But I can't.  Rome, as they say, wasn't built in a day.  I didn't gain this weight in a month and it is going to take some time for it to come off.  I made a huge mistake in this journey by thinking that I was invincible to all of the dieting pitfalls out there. Like I had magically undone all of the damage and bad habits of a lifetime of eating crap and lethargy! I am human. I. AM. HUMAN!!

I did lose weight this month, a whole 4 lbs, so not bad, I didn't completely fail, but if you know me at all, this is like a huge fail to me.  I may as well not have lost anything (I'm so ungrateful!) at all the way I have been feeling.  It was a rough start to the month and I knew that that set me back a bit.  And my energy levels just tanked around lady week and I kept getting migraines and other nasty headaches too.  So hard to try working out when your head feels like a bomb just went off in there! I was also tweaking my workouts and working out less, not really watching my calorie intake, ect! Human. Not bionic woman!

This "failure" has shown me a thing or two, though.  That this is a long journey.  A marathon, not a sprint, and that I have to learn and grow along the way.  I may not always hit my target weight every month and I need to be ok with that. I may need to settle for a smaller goal, I mean, any weight loss, even if it had just been 1 pound, would have still been a step in the right direction! I can do this, and I am doing this! And I'll be dammed if I let my inhibitions hold me back again this month!

So once again I am putting that big 10 number up there.  If  I hit it, great! Let's celebrate and par-tay!! If not, hopefully my numbers will still be going down! Even 5 lbs will put me at my lightest weight in 4+ years! Just 5! That's an awesome accomplishment! I can be proud of that!

October, week 3

Bonjour...weekly check-in time! Let's talk numbers, as in the 4 lbs I lost this last week.  Thanks mostly in part to the 3 day thing I keep squawking about.  I was thinking I'd try it again today but, it gets really hard! So maybe next week.  And cutting your calories that often just tells your body that you're starving to death and you lose muscle, not fat. So I don't recommend doing it all the time.  Once or twice a month to help out is probably good.

I think that those two weeks of slacking off  early this month and not eating very well has hurt my chances of reaching my goal of 10 lbs this month.  I'm not too sad about that because I'll be close, but lucky if I reach that mark.  I have a soft goal for the rest of the month of an additional 2 lbs, pretty sure I can do better, but baby steps.  I am already lighter than I have been in the last 4 years and other people are starting to notice!! Once I hit that 2 lb mark I will have lost a grand total of 20 lbs, a feat I have not achieved since I was about 20 by taking a random supplement that is no longer found on the market (scary!) But yea for small victories!!

This week's plan includes starting a round of the 30 day shred, 5 days a week for 30 days (and if you've ever attempted Jill's 30 day shred, you know that this workout is HARD!!) so I am a bit terrified.  I usually do it once or twice a week and am so sore after that that's all I can do! But I have yet to do a whole 5 days of workouts this month (last week my day 5 work out was a 1 mile walk with the kids so I don't count it) even though I have been planning it for sometime, so it may be time to step it up!

Does anyone know just how hard it has been to eat well this month? There is so much candy around that it has proven rather difficult!! I feel that October is one of my personal "bad" diet months.  November, eh, that's usually confined to one day of binge eating, and December usually I'm baking for other people, not having that stuff around the house, but October? The kids got a ton of candy from the Mickey's trick or treat party at Disneyland earlier this month, which means each person who went got about 1-2 lbs worth of candy each! Then we have an additional 3 days of trick or treating that we are doing this year at school/church/Halloween! So even more candy! I am also setting a smaller goal for next month for this reason.  I can't put so much pressure on myself when there will be temptation staring me down all the time, I'm human you know and chocolate is my weakness!!

Next week's update will include pictures and numbers! Time to let it all out there!

How's everyone else doing? Struggles? Victories? Fill me in!

Would you give your kids cocaine?

Well, would you? I mean, no parent, even the crappy ones who take drugs themselves would willingly give their child something like that.  But in a recent study, it was found that certain processed (read: junk) foods can cause the brain to respond and have addictive cravings the same as someone who uses cocaine.  (This article was featured in Thursday's Daily Press newspaper, "Under Fire." Article could not be found online.)

Certain "over" processed foods, such as flamin' hot cheetos have recently come under fire for such reasons.  Researchers state that these foods are super processed with these flavors causing people to crave the heck out of them.  Foods are genetically engineered to so that the brain's pleasure centers are flooded with dopamine, which causes that "feel good" state thus perpetuating the need to repeat that feeling. And there you have it. Your kid is addicted to crack! (In the form of food)

I try so hard not to criticize other parents for their choices.  We live in an overly critical society and I try very hard to never want to not be a part of that, I mean, to each his own! Live and let live folks! That's Betty's stance! But giving your kids crap like soda, and junk ALL the time to me is absolutely unacceptable.  You wouldn't willingly give your kids poison would you? The why would you pollute them with unnecessary junk food? It's relatively the same concept! There is no nutritional value in giving your kid a soda, there is no benefit to them in giving them fast food ALL the time. In fact, the opposite is true, this is detrimental to their health and well being over time.  And people wonder why their kids are overweight, or why their kids teeth are rotting out. Really? Let's think! Childhood obesity is not the child's problem, it's the parents!

I know it's hard. Shoot, despite my best efforts, my kid's favorite food is french fries!!  I was a product of this type of behavior, and I grew up an overweight child.   And I also admit that I allow my son to have some junk, occasionally, because we can't avoid it 100%, not a single one of us can.  Some days it's way easier to hit the McDonald's drive through on the way home, or to just let them have something like a soda for a special dinner out. The key is occasionally. Giving in to your child's whims, tantrums and begging is lazy parenting. (Ugh and I hate to go that route, but I am VERY passionate about this!!)

Just think of the struggles you are having yourselves to be healthy, do you really want that for your child? I know that this is the number one reason I am the food Nazi with my children.  They will never be allowed to raid the pantry, they do not get juice every day (maybe once or twice a week, and only one a day), they will never have a soda under my roof, they will eat at least one serving of fruit or vegetables daily, they will be extremely limited in having fast food. They will have the options to make wise food choices, they will learn why these things are not healthy for them, they will be allowed occasional treats because kids have gotta be kids, but they will be given every advantage to be as healthy as possible. Because I don't want them to be teased in school about their weight, or to have a phobia of eating in public, or to struggle their whole lives with obesity like me. And why would anyone else want that for their kids? This is such a passive epidemic, I mean how often do you think about that as you hand your child some chips or candy? You don't.  You really have to be mindful of these things and that requires extra effort to an already overwhelmed parent! But isn't it worth it? Like I said before, you wouldn't willing poison your child. Maybe take small steps and just be the bad guy and say no. One day, your son will be in fresh and easy begging you to buy him some cauliflower! (that one blew me away!) And think of how great that will make you feel! Hooray for small victories!

* I implore you to do some digging about some of these things, google, bing, do whatever to learn some of the facts surrounding these things! Becoming informed is like arming yourself for battle!*

A fat chick progress report

When I started writing this blog I never intended to have a huge group of followers, I mean, I still don't have a huge group of followers now, but sometimes I wish this was something a little more than an online diary of my life.  I originally wanted to inspire others, to share my trials as an over weight person, as a mom, as a wife, and I feel that I have stuck to that format pretty well.  I go through periods where I just feel un-motivated to write because I feel like who reads this crap any way? So I am not putting that kind of pressure on myself anymore.  I am writing my story and it is here for anyone who will listen.

If you have been following along recently, thanks for sticking with me!! I am still working my butt off, in a very literal sense.  My husband is starting to lament the butt that was! I am down 15 lbs and 5.5 inches (all over) total and have had a few weeks where it was pretty difficult to stay on track.  To think that this journey was going to be easy would be a naive mistake, and I was well aware that I would have some ups and downs, I just wasn't expecting them so soon in the process. But I am back on track, and a little behind schedule for my monthly goal, but I still fell that it is attainable.  I lost 10 last month and set a goal of 10 for this month as well, and while it's the 17th, and I've only lost 2 lbs so far this month, I still feel that I can reach that 10 mark by the 4th of Nov. (which is my weigh and measure day.) **fingers crossed!**

I am currently back on the 3 day military diet, for the 3rd time.  My first attempt I lost a total of 4 lbs, but I cheated on day 3 and didn't follow it exactly as planned, and the second time, I was just really unmotivated and didn't work out and only made it through 2 days, and I lost 0. So this time I have a laser focus and am currently on day 2. Most days I do the 20 min turbo jam work out but this week we are stepping it up (since I've been slacking) and I am doing the 40 min turbo jam work out and on alternate days, Jillian Michales 30 day shred. I'll probably go for a 2 mile run Saturday morning, so I'll have 6 days of cardio and 2 days of strength training this week. After I finish the military diet, it's back to a strict 1200-1500 calorie a day plan. That's how you do it folks, no magic cure, no magic pill. Diet AND exercise. Believe me, I have tried just about everything else out there under the sun! (read some of my previous entries!)

Can I tell you something else? Since I've started all of this, I have not only noticed that I am, indeed, getting smaller, but I feel SO much better as well.  These past few weeks, where I've been eating junk and not working out very much, I've noticed I felt really crummy. Moody, tired, irritable, and there were a couple of days that I was having stomach issues as well.  Somehow, my body has convinced itself that working out and eating better makes the whole body feel great, and now, I feel like I need to move and eat better to feel good.  Think about it.  If you're reading this and you aren't very active and aren't eating very well, and you are tired and run down all the time, try going for a walk, even if it's a very short walk, do this for 3 or 4 days and tell me that you don't feel better by day 4. It's amazing what a very small change can do for you!

I *should* be posting next week about my results with the 3 day thing and just a general progress update. Stay tuned!!

Is this thing on?

About 4 weeks in and I am down (I wish I could say 10 dammit!) 9 lbs. It's been a bit of a long road, but it's a big step in the right direction.  I still have 6 to lose this month (yikes) to meet my goal. But we are trucking along.  The 3 day military diet worked a little, I guess.  I was pretty much cheating and a hungry mean person by day 3 but I lost 4 lbs. I ended up gaining 1 lb back, only to lose it again a couple days ago.  Some days I just don't want to do it. It is getting hard to stay motivated, and I am pretty hungry all the time. But that's what happens. Jillian Michael's says "Get comfortable with uncomfortable." in one of her DVDs and I am at that stage! This is a life change, and life change of any sort is HARD WORK! You just can't afford to be inconsistent.

I'm still plugging away at 4-5 days of cardio.  I keep trying to add strength training to that, but that only happens about 1 day a week.  I'll try for 2 next week, scouts honor! I did start running again and instead of trying to work my way through the c25k program I decided to just screw it and go balls to the wall and put in 2 miles every other day.  And I did, I logged 6 miles this week, improving my total time by over 1 min. (It's half running, half walking, I wish I could just jump right in and trot 2 miles! Psh!) I also add in some turbo jam or one of my Jillian workouts on my off days.

My next move is cutting back on calories even more, trying like heck to stay in the 1200-1500 range, since it looks like I'll be nursing even less now that little guy is eating solids. I'm a little sad to lose out on the calorie burning benefits of nursing! But he and I have found a good groove where he nurses about 3 times a day. And I am done pumping in the middle of the night! Whew!

Send happy thoughts my way, as the next couple weeks I'm looking for a big push at 3 lbs each week. I could use the good mojo!! I am also trying another detox drink thing, that doesn't affect my eating (Yea!) but should cause me to lose some water weight. Again, I'll be your Guinna pig and report back to you! If you'd like to know more about the 3 day military diet, just shot me a message!

Winning at pinning, food, ch. 2

I was supposed to do this yesterday, oops. We got busy doing nothing in particular and I never got to it.  But here is another winner, winner chicken dinner recipe from pinterest that we love.

Mini Chicken Pot Pies:

 Ok, pretty freaking easy:

*Bisquick (my hub does this part and mixes 2 batches worth to get 12 mini pies, also stick with the only use water kind, I buy a big box because we use it for tons of other things which I'll feature here as well!)
*Diced chicken
*Add your own  diced veggies ( we used carrots and potatoes the first time, but the carrots were still crunchy and I don;t love cooked carrots, so we just used the potatoes the second time. You should nuke the potato in the micro for 7 mins to get it tender)
*I thought of this genius idea of using cream of chicken soup as the traditional "gravy" for the pot pies, and let me tell you, it was fabulous!! I used about a tbsp and will try 2 tbsp's next time!
*Shredded cheddar

preheat oven to 375
Mix up your 2 batches of pancake mix and fill a greased (or pam or whatevs) muffin tin with 1 tbsp of mixture

Add veggies and chicken
Add cream of chicken soup on top of veggies and chicken

Cover with 1 tbsp of batter
Add a sprinkle of shredded cheese (or you can mix it in with your chicken and veggies)
Bake for 25-30 mins (they should be a nice golden color)

These are so good, and you can make them and freeze them for later (apparently) and also mix and make different types as well. My little guy even loves these kid sized friendly "muffins"

Enjoy!!

It's all for science

So, last week I had a bad week.  And by bad I mean that I didn't lose any weight.  I didn't gain any either, but I did work out 4 days for what seemed like nothing.  Boo.  I was sooo ridiculously hungry all week and I had no idea why.  Was it from working out so much? Was it from not eating as much as my fat A is used to? Or was I just hungry for no reason at all?  Then the answer became very clear, something that I didn't anticipate, Aunt Flo showed up.  I was wondering when she'd return, usually right around nine months post-partum my OB said, but my Aunt showed up a few months early.  It's cool, I'd rather get this show on the road and get back to normal. But since the mystery was solved (and copious amounts of food was eaten!) I have resolved to be much more proactive this week. 

I have decided to take it up a notch since now my knee (praise the Lord!!) is feeling much better.  Work outs will still be 4 days a week BUT an hour long each day, with weight training added in.  And I am starting a 3 day "military diet" tomorrow. After I complete it, I will let you know the results and give you the deets, but for now, let me be your Guinna pig.  You all probably know that my philosophy is never about finding a quick fix, it's about slow and steady wins the race, but I'm looking at this as a "detox" of sorts after my naughty weekend, and as usual, I will probably slightly modify it to meet my needs.

I am close to hitting my first goal, losing all weight gained from Lucas, I have 11 lbs to go and plan on killing that this month.  Then it's off to conquering my Ethan weight gain, which will end up being about 38 more lbs...yikes!! But the goal is to have that gone by Jan 1st!! Then to my Everest!! The final 30-50 ( I may hit a certain wight and be cool with never reaching my soft goal weight) To which I promise some gnarly before and after pics, but there's no way in H-E double hockey sticks I'm putting up before pics without there being some afters to show as well!! Yikes! Stick with me kids, this is the real deal this time!

Winning at pinning, food, ch. 1

Heyo....So lately I've been making some food and crafts that I've gotten off of pinterest and I really want to share some of it with you all because stuff this awesome! This is the food part of this "series" I'll probably also do a craft series. It depends on how much y'all like this part. So, feedback??

This week's recipe is one we tried last week and it was so sublimely tasty I wanted to share it first! We ate the whole thing and I could have made two and eaten one by myself! Here is the original link, as I never follow a recipe to the T, I love having a little room for creativity so I just follow the basics. Thanks to emmalinaviolet.wordpress.com for the original recipe and photos, because credit is due where it's found!

Buffalo chicken garbage bread (or as I'm going to call it, Buffalo Chicken Calzone!)

1 tube of premade pizza dough (or any pizza dough, rolled into a rectangle, I get the Pillsbury stuff)
1-2 cups diced chicken (ok, I didn't really measure, I use the frozen diced Tyson chicken and eyeball it)
2 cups of mozz cheese ( I only know this because 1 bag of shredded cheese = 2 cups)
Hot sauce
ranch dressing ( or blue cheese if you prefer...)

Grab that pizza dough and roll it out to form a rectangle, let that bad boy sit for about 20 mins.

Spread dough with a layer of ranch, here I didn't measure either, I used a basting brush and brushed on probably about a half a cup of ranch, if you use too much it will definitely overpower the roll.

Toss the (cooked) diced chicken in hot sauce, use as much of the hot sauce as you'd like here, we went easy on it this round, next time we will use much more for that extra kick! Add chicken to dough, here you can also add more hot sauce if you'd like, experiment!!

Put shredded cheese on top of all this deliciousness, you can use all 2 cups or as little as you'd like, but if you like  cheesy, gooey goodness, use 2 cups, it's perfect.

Roll that beautiful creation up like a burrito, it will be sticky so be gentle as to not tear the dough.

Bake at 425 for 20-25 mins, it should be nice and brown on the outside, but apparently sometimes it can be doughy on the inside, ours came out perfect at 25 mins.

Eat the crap out of this yummy stuff! If you try this one, please let me know how you liked it!

The frustration station

Week two of get thee less fattimus:
Total lbs lost: 5
Days exercised: 1 :(

This knee injury has been major lamesauce.  My knee is getting worse everyday, the pain has reduced me to tears the last three days.  I did go have it checked out on Tuesday and x-rays were taken as it was pretty swollen and I am still waiting to hear back from the dr's office.  I am pretty sure it's bad news bears though. The way it feels, this will not be a simple case of R.I.C.E!! (rest, ice, compression, elevation) And seriously nothing has made me more depressed these last two weeks than not being able to move more! For the first time in a looooooong time I have been so motivated to work out only to be unable.  I have to say that thankfully, eating much better has been paying off for me or I would be doubly pissed off! It still hasn't been an easy road in the dieting half though, there were a couple of days that I was really freaking hungry! I just had to choose very wisely and pray, pray, pray for the strength to get through this!! And I am kicking ass!

Now the plan of attack going into week 3, lots of ab and arm strength training.  I will also start doing some resistance band training as well, going back to my dancer days and all the pi-yo stuff used to do, to get the muscles shredding! But I am pretty sure cardio is out. :(..... If only I had a pool!!!! Or access to one in the near vicinity! Which I do not. Booooooooo!

This week I could sure use some positive thoughts, well wishes and prayers for the knee to magically heal itself. (And also for me to not need the "S" word)

On the road again...

Holy crap! Look who came out of blog retirement!! That's right, I'm back! (for now). After having baby #2 I really wanted to focus on raising my two darling children for a while, and I am pretty sure no one was reading my stuff anyhow.  But now, the dust has settled in life a bit and I missed bearing my soul to the Internet! 

Also, it has taken me about 4 months (post partum) to finally realize, I am done being the angry fat chick.  So we are on the road again, the road to wellness.

I don't want to say I have a number in mind when it comes to my actual goal weight, and thinking about almost 100lbs to lose is a little daunting, so the plan for the moment is eating better, much better.  This week I have cut back on calories, mercilessly tracking away via spark people and keeping within a 1700-2000 calories a day range (only because I'm breastfeeding or that would be more like 1200-1500).  As just two days, I had lost 2 lbs already, and I feel great! By eating more fruits and veggies, I can already feel my body gaining more energy, and craving less junk! It's wonderful because if you've been reading all along, you know that sugar is my downfall. Eff off sugar, I don't need you! (ok, maybe just a little bit...) so this is truly a miracle of epic proportions.  I am also drinking a metric fuck ton of water.  Each time I finish a meal, or finish a round of nursing thing 2, I try to chug my 24 oz cup. I currently work out by running to the bathroom every thirty seconds. Ha! But that seriously helps curb the cravings.  My meals are currently looking something like this:
1 cup cereal with 1% milk and fruit in the am, no sugary shit either, we stopped buying any kinds of kid cereal months ago.
crystal light energy or an iced coffee to drink and a granola bar as a snack
a salad with chicken or steak meat and 2-4 cookies ( I still need a little sugar) or a lean cuisine meal for lunch
water, water, water, water
healthy dinner with lots of veggies, mostly new recipes I have gotten from pinterest, peppered in with some oldies, but goodies. And I usually top that off with 1 cup of ice cream (I looooove my desserts, and I usually eat a HUGE bowl of ice cream in a sitting, but have since started eating stuff out of Ethan's little guy dishes to control portion sizes and crazy enough, I am satisfied!!)
Aaaaaand that usually come out to about 2000 calories.

I have been wanting to work out and spent Monday and Tuesday totally depressed because I managed to hurt my knee this weekend, rendering me pretty useless. But I did start walking, quite modestly, Wednesday and again today, and hopefully my knee will get over being lame and heal itself so I can start running 3 days a week.  The plan will eventually work up to running 3 days a week and doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred 2-3 times a week as well. But, baby steps, yo!

So here it begins. And I freaking mean it this time!

To Rapture with love

So, I know I haven't been blogging up a storm lately, but I will come out of retirement soon!!!But now for a very shameless plug for my favorite photographers....

The work is great, I had a huge zit that Emily "took care of", my husband and son were in a horrible mood, but you'd never really know from these photos.

They are very professional and give you the freedom to print out your photos where ever you want.

If they can make this rag-tag bunch of misfits look great, imagine what they will do for you and yours!! You can find them here!

When April Fool's jokes go wrong...

It was intended to be a pretty harmless, ha ha, joke's-on-you-peeps type of thing.  I mean, you've gotta love seeing everyone post stuff on facebook to the likes of, uh-oh, we're pregnant or we're moving or Sammy is in the hospital with a terrible case of herpes or something on April first.  And I was no exception, I mean, I had a pretty damned believable (apparently VERY believable) story for the day so I ran with it...

Ethan, March 18, 2008

It started with me posting this picture, of the day my son Ethan was born, 4 years ago and saying, "Lucas decided to come on April 1st instead of April 10th" or something to that effect. I must admit, every one's reaction made my day.  When will I ever get to pull a prank like this again? It was so worth it.  And I still have no regrets! In fact, I am still laughing about it.

Well, karma is, as they say, a bitch.  Now through out my entire pregnancy, my blood pressure ran a bit on the high side.  But at my Dr's appointment on the 29th, it was pretty high, so high I was thisclose to being sent into the hospital to be monitored.  So when I got home, being the good little phlebotomist/medical assistant that I am , I decided to monitor my BP daily to make sure all was well in the world.  It was pretty normal every day, until Monday morning. Not wanting to be a worry wart, or hypochondriac I didn't want to alert the media right away.  I tried to rest a bit, still not going down. Tried to drink a bunch of water, still not going down.  I finally had to call my mom to seek her opinion on the matter. Should I call my doc or not? The verdict was call, just to err on the side of caution.  The office then told me to head on down to the hospital, get checked out.

If anyone knows my husband you can imagine the phone call I had to make to him as he was at work. 
Me: "Hey babe, how soon will you be done at work?"
Him: "Bout 30-45 mins, why?"
Me: "Well...Not to worry but my blood pressure is pretty high and the doc wants me to go to the hospital sometime soon. But finish what you're doing, then we'll leave whenever you get home."
Him: panicking "Um, what do you need me to do , should I leave now? Let me go tell my boss. (enter boss name here) I um, my wife is I mean her blood pressure is high, we have to go to the..."
Me: "Calm down, please."
Him: "I'm just going to finish up and um I , um we are uh..." insert more panic-panicy panic talk...
Me: "Please just relax, they are probably just going to monitor me and send me home ok, please don't freak out and end up getting in an accident on the way home."
Him: "Ok, I'll be home soon..."

Him not coming home right away gave me time to pack my bags, shower, chill out and get ready to go.  I seriously thought that at the very least, they'd watch my BP, send me home and possibly do the section the following day.

I was pretty much calm and collected the entire time.  Not really worried because I felt totally fine, normal even.  I mean I had had it with being pregnant that was for sure but I didn't actually think that that night I'd be having a baby.

Once we got to the hospital I had to leave my husband in the lobby while they checked me in.  The charge nurse was horrible and basically blew me off like I was one of those stupid patients who worries about everything.  She told me that I'd have to go to a room and try to "calm down" while they waited for another nurse to be called in and take care of me.  Once I was in that room, no one came in and took my BP until the nurse who was called in arrived.  The first hour I was there was the most terrible "service" anyone could have ever had.  By the time my nurse took my BP, it was 175/101. Pretty dang high, so much for calming down!

Once everything was said and done, my doc decided the best way to cure pre-eclampsia was to just deliver the baby. So that evening we prepared to have our son.  Sometime after I had been hooked up to all the monitors and such, I ended up going into labor anyhow, and they had to start me on a drug called magnesium to help control my BP.  Now, Mag hurts like hell when it's running through your body and between the IV meds, the BP cuff squeezing the crap out of my arm every 15 mins and contractions, shit hurt real freaking bad! I was pretty miserable! It was a trifecta of horrible-ness I'd not wish on my worst enemy! The time could not come any faster for that spinal block!

Once we actually got to the OR, our surgery was delayed due to a woman having twins in the room next door, au-natural mind you.  It was actually pretty cool hearing twins be born, and I for one minuet wanted to have twins myself. Just for one minuet...But the time came and everyone was happy and laughing and having a good time.  It was seriously such a positive feeling, I was very pleased at the entire OR team. Much better than my last section.

At 8:34, p.m. Lucas was born.  He looks just like his big brother did, but with dark hair and that Italian skin color (Vs my and E's very pale German). He has been great at nursing, great at sleeping and has a very active colon. 

Lucas, April 2, 2012

I wrote this post in January of '11 about the fear I felt about not having enough room in my heart to love another child.  It wasn't until that moment he arrived that I knew that was so out the window.  The heart is a wonderous thing, it grows to accommodate.  Now I can't imagine my world a mere 8 days ago with out this beautiful boy in it.  Having my boys with me, curled up on the bed watching TV or whatever together is the most perfect thing I could ever imagine.  And I'm so glad that this April fool's joke tried to get the best of me, because I couldn't have been happier with the results!

The end is nigh!

I guess I am officially at that point where each time I go out in public there's some  a-hole that has some inappropriate thing to say about me.
"You look like you're ready to pop!"
 About ready to pop you in the mouth is what I'm about to do!
"Oh it must be any day now for you!"
Actually, I've still got 2.5 weeks to go, are you saying I look fat?? Huh? Huh!!
and my favorite yesterday...
"Is it just one baby or two?"
Eeeeeeffffff you lady!
Here's the real clincher. It's only women (with the exception of one homeless man in a wheel chair asking me for money. Buddy, do I look like I can spare some change?) that keep making these comments.  Like, haven't you ever had children? Don't you remember how huge you, or your sister, or your aunt or whomever got? And how freaking miserable she was at the end? Can't you see that while, yes, I am huge, and sweating profusely, and out of breath and just horribly uncomfortable that I do NOT need to hear your "cute" little anecdotes, and I do NOT feel like playing 20 questions with a fetching stranger while standing in line at Target buying socks for my 4 year old and Tums for my shitty heartburn? What is with women? Dudes really just look at me like they need to be as far away form me as possible in case my water breaks or I suddenly clench my stomach in pain so they don't have to play the role of hero or something, and I love them for that! I do not feel like being bombarded just because of my "accessory". I know that when I see a "very" pregnant looking lady, my first instinct isn't to start up a conversation with her, it's a silent prayer that she be done with this torture ASAP! and then I move on with my life. If I wasn't pregnant people generally wouldn't turn around and try to start up a conversation with me in a random place, so why now? Is it because everyone loves babies? Or big 'ol fat pregnant ladies? It's just annoying! And I don't get it!

I do thank the Lord above that I am at the end of the road now.  And while it is becoming increasingly difficult to do pretty much anything right now, I just keep counting down the days until my fetus is on the outside of my body.  Fully knowing, mind you, that this will pose a whole new set of challenges and bodily discomforts, but for me it still signifies the beginning of the end of my body feeling like crap.

Here are some things I will miss about being pregnant: (and this is a first since I hated everything with E's pregnancy)
Feeling the little guy wiggle around in my tummy when he's hungry (which is often)
Having my husband dote on me constantly ("Hun, can I get you anything?" "Are you feeling ok?" "Yes, I'll bring you a decaf caramel frappachino on my way home.") I'll really miss that one...
The anticipation, it's like being a child counting down the days until Christmas!
Not having to scoop the cat box, or do pretty much any animal related chore.
Not looking like a freak because you are talking to yourself (I was talking to the baby, seriously...)
Pretty much eating a bunch of crap with little to no consequence (I am still > 40 lbs, woot, well for me anyhow...)

Here are some things I am soooo looking forward to after he comes however...
Sleeping (Insomnia sucks! I may not sleep any more but it will be quality over quantity!)
Sleeping on my stomach or back again!
Sleeping on my new mattress with out a huge fetus in my belly! (Even if it is in 30 minute periods)
No more heartburn!
No more swollen feet, ankles, hands and face! (Because no woman looks good with the pregnant face)
I can wear my real wedding rings again, not the fake $20 one we got before we got the real rings.
My shirts will cover my stomach again!
I'll be able to comfortably shave again
Sushi! And real coffee!
High heels!!

While most days I feel bitter and generally pissed off at the world, I am super looking forward to being done with the incubation part.  I am sure all of those around me would also agree! (Sorry, hopefully Captain Bitchy Pants will be going away in a few weeks too...) Only 18 days left until Luke's big arrival!!

Four

Last year I wrote this for you. And now I think I'll do it for you every year I can. Right now you are curled up next to me on my bed, sleeping away. I love those moments!

What a change a year can make! I was so sad to let go of my baby last year, but now I am excited for 4! I am so excited to see you learn and grow so much more! This year has been the hardest ever as your mom! You do not make life easy that's for sure! But you still make my life worth living, every. single. day. You have proven how dang smart you are, even though we held you back from pre-school this year, you've managed to defy us and learn every single thing you possibly can, from spelling, to writing, to math. And you have made dang sure that mom knows that you will do what you want, when you want to do it, (as potty training has been a constant battle of "don't tell me what to do.") I have learned that I can't control you no matter how hard I try,and that I have to let you be you on your terms, not mine, therefore, you are exactly like me, and as everyone knows, I am hard to deal with too! But I so admire that spirit and spunk in you, after I quit fuming over the power struggles we face, your tenacity is so applaudable! Good for you for knowing (at 3 for that matter) exactly what you want in life! Please, please, never lose that!

I can't wait to see just how much more you will learn and grow once you hit that big 4! Each day you stun me with something new, be it something you say or something you do, you are always full of surprises. Sometimes they are awesome, like you spelling m-o-m, the first word you learned how to read, write, and spell. To the time you were so mad at me you told me "I don't love you, Daddy doesn't love you, and Jesus doesn't love you!" because I put your butt in time-out.  Part of me wanted to cry, and part of me wanted to laugh, but ultimately you got spanked for having a smart mouth. I wasn't expecting to hear that until you were about 13 or so! Always a surprise with you kid! But you are never stingy with telling me how much you love me, or with giving me hugs, kisses, and cuddles. I wish that you'll never grow out of that, but I brace myself for the day it's no longer cool for you to do so. Please never forget to tell me, or anyone for that matter, just how much you love them and I promise to do the same. Remember our days are numbered and loving others is the best gift you can ever give to yourself! (and everyone likes being loved as well!)

I love how much your relationship with God has grown this year.  It's so awesome to hear my little boy say his prayers at night, and that you get excited to go to church on Sunday. I love how you can look at things and know that God created everything. Nothing could please me more than to see you grow in faith! It's going to be the most important thing in your life forever and I also hope you never forget that you have a "heavenly" father who loves you so much and will always be there for you in good times and bad. I hope that Dad and I can be good examples of faith too.  I hope you see all that we have been through in our lives and know that we never gave up our hope that God will (and does) always see us through!

Always remember that you are smart, kind and of course, loved so much by your family! Always remember that YOU are my favorite thing in the world and that will never change! Happy birthday my big 4 year old boy!

On being prepared

The curtains are closed, but behind them, the stage is set for the show that's about to start.  The bags are (almost) packed, stacks if diapers and boxes of wipes are stuffed in whatever space we can find, the play-yard sits at the ready, changing table set, baby clothes washed and ready for the tiny body that's going to adorn them. Everything just waiting, frozen in time for now.  Like actors, we have rehearsed all our parts and know them well, we've prepared for this show for almost nine months now. And now the curtain is about to open, the show about to begin. Life about to change. Life about to begin.

I've felt for a while now that just because we have a set c-section date does not mean that we won't go into labor before then.  In fact, I feel pretty certain that we will be early. So for the last few months I've had a profound need to have everything set and in order for whenever that moment may arrive.  I never went into labor with E, and I have no idea what it's going to be like. I suppose the Braxton Hicks contractions I've had the last six weeks have been prepping me for that, demonstrating to me what my body is going to feel like when it's time to take the stage.  And just like I would feel before a show, I am nervous. What if I forget my lines? What if I forget my blocking? What if I miss my cue? These were the things that once gave me the jitters before any show, now they sound more like What if Chris is at work? What if I don't really know I am in labor? What if we get to the hospital too late for the surgery? And like every other performance I've ever been in, I know that once I get myself out onto that stage I'll be fine. Everything that we've rehearsed the last few months will kick in and send me on auto pilot and I'll nail it.

But for now, we wait in the wings. Waiting for that "curtain" call. And we're ready.

March madness

Yet another month in the long haul has passed us by.  I am now left with only weeks until the big day, which is now officially set for April 10th (a bit later than I'd like since d-day is the 13th but, the end is indeed in sight. I guess...) My mom is pleased because this means she gets a grand baby for her birthday! Good thing too, because I am poor as hell, so a grand baby it is Ma! Happy b-day! The downer to this, I get to spend my birthday in the hospital...boo...I was planning on being holed up in bed with my kiddos! But perhaps having everyone wait hand and foot on me may not be too bad (I do love chocolate covered strawberries, cheesecake, and sushi if you'd like to send a little b-day love to me in the good ol hospital!)

I am definitely very glad that the end of the journey is in sight now as it has become very unpleasant being me lately.  My pregnancy has been "tolerable" until the last few weeks.  It is seemingly impossible to do pretty much anything but lay around all the time since fatigue and back pain are both major problems. Sleeping has been both better (new mattress!!) and worse (it's just damned uncomfortable no matter where or how I sleep) and nausea has returned, however, my appetite has remained causing a bit of a surge in my weight gain this month. I am officially at 36 lbs total, and would really like to stop right here!! Doc still assures me that everything is fine but I feel like a major fat ass, especially since my will to do any physical activity has flown out the window! So April 10th cannot get here fast enough!

We have just about everything ready for Luke's arrival and thank goodness for a good tax return and some awesome family and friends for that! When we had Ethan, we didn't need to buy anything at all for him for months! Clothes? We didn't buy any for E for a looooong time, for L.J? I had to buy a ton, and we still could use some more!(Don't grow too fast please!) Diapers? E was set for the first 5 months of his life, L.J. may have a 2 month supply in which mom and dad have provided about half of.  Both my husband and I are seeing that it's only fun for friends and family the first time you have a kid I suppose. Or maybe it's because we're having another boy? I don't know, I've never done this before so I imagined we'd get super spoiled like we did the first baby! And while both babies have been a BIG deal to us, Chris is super worried that Luke will feel like he's not as good as his brother is based on the amount of stuff he doesn't have. I'm pretty sure he's not going to notice that he didn't have as many blankets or toys as his brother did when he was a baby!

I keep thinking about how stressful this month is going to be around here. I start my stupid, expensive phlebotomy class tomorrow, Chris is wrapping up his finals and he then starts his last semester for his A.S. program (yea!), E turns 4! I feel like we're going to be running our butts off all month long with my OB appointments starting every week, plus finalizing everything for the incoming baby! But God willing we will survive this month and all its joy and maybe next month we will be able to slow down a little bit and enjoy the start of our new lives!!

Holidays and the epic husband fail

Valentine's day is supposed to be one of those holidays that you love when you are in a relationship. It's a day for your S.O. to show you their love and appreciation, by sometimes giving jewelry, flowers, or candy. A time for a loved one to feel validated, worthy, and, well, loved!

Now, flashy gifts aren't always what your lover may be looking for, but it is very nice to know just how loved you are. Sometimes it is just a simple homemade card or breakfast in bed that really shows your lover how much you really do care. All in all, it really requires little effort, minimal, if any cash at all, and just a touch of thoughtfulness to do something special, be it big or small.

That doesn't happen for me. Like ever. Ok, maybe my husband has done something one or two years for V-day in the entire 10 years we've been together, but it was pretty damned forced, and many MAJOR hints were dropped that if he didn't he'd surely be in the dog house for the rest of the year. But other than that, he absolutely lacks the capacity for any sort of romantic gesture. You see for him, Valentine's day is pretty much all about getting physical. This sort of thing may have been acceptable before we got married, but now he pretty much relys on the fact that he should be getting lucky at least twice this month (his birthday is also this month) and therefore puts no thought or effort into any sort of gift, romantic gesture, or food product. It is very disappointing being me every Valentine's day.

Now, my husband is a very lucky man.  Not a single holiday goes by that he isn't reminded just how much his wifey truly loves him.  Even on the holidays where we have zero cash to spend on each other I still always put some sort of thought into doing something extra special for him, like a note in his lunch, handmade cards, baking various delicious treats, or when I can, buying him something he wants or needs. Every holiday. But him? He never puts much thought or effort into any holiday at all. My birthday? "Sorry, we had no money." Mother's day "But you monitor the bank account like a hawk." Our anniversary "Oh, that's today?" Christmas "Here's a gift card to coldstones!" (I really don't even like ice cream). It's lame. Every holiday I come up empty handed, and always there are about 20 lame excuses as to why he didn't do anything for me.

So not only do I hate valentines day, but pretty much any holiday where under normal conditions, the ones you love do something special for you. Because I know my husband will fail on the most epic level possible. Is is possible that he clearly just completely lacks the imagination? I mean, my dad even does stuff for my mom and he's pretty un-motivated to do damn near anything at all most days! So I kind of don't buy into that bull. 

Now, he does on occasion get me gifts, as in this last Christmas, 2010, he did buy me the Tiffany necklace, but I'll tell you right now, I suggested quite heavily that he should get it for me. I even gave him the money, took him to the store and showed him which one it was, and made sure he got off his ass and got it for me. Which means I pretty much bought it for myself and he took the credit for it. That is the extent of his gift giving, I have to meticulously plan it ahead of time and then I know exactly what I am getting and when. Again, lamesauce! The man can't even take a hint.

 I've learned over the years that I must have extremely low expectations from this guy, therefore any little tiny thing he does do for me will come as a complete shock, I mean, I 'd be fucking floored if he actually paid attention to something I said and got it for me! (See, I even used the F word to prove how truly amazed I'd be) Because this guy is just not romantic at. all. And I live with it, always dreaming for just a tiny bit of creativity, but knowing that he is who he is and that I love him anyway. This is the man I chose to spend my eternity with, and I'll tell you it was not because he was a hopeless romantic.  Maybe someday he'll get the hint, but I won't hold my breath!

parenthood

This last Sunday we had a super bowl party with our bible study group.  It was the first time the group had been around our son.  Two of the women in my group are teachers and they said that for an almost 4 year old, my son was very bright.  One, a first grade teacher, said he was smarter than some of her students! And everyone went on about how well behaved and well mannered he was.  In fact, when around others, they frequently compliment my sons manners.  All of this makes me bust at the seams with pride.  Why? Because it means that despite what I think, my husband and I are doing something right.

What these people don't know is that last weekend my sister and I were literally dragging him out of the mall kicking and screaming because he was throwing the hugest temper-tantrum of all history. I have only been super embarrassed as a parent once, and that was it. 

Some days it's like having two different children.  He's an angel one day, all cuddly and huggy and kissy to me, "Mommy you're my princess."  The next day he is like the spawn of satan, and I  hear wonderful little gems like "Jesus doesn't love you and neither does daddy," or "You make me so sick mommy," as he sits in timeout.  Boy I can't wait for his teenage years!

There are days when I know why some species eat their young, and other days when he amazes me with his knowledge, or his kindness, or his faith in God. On those not so good days I can't help but wonder if something is mentally wrong with him.  Why does he do this or that? Why doesn't he understand the simple concept of listening, or of consequences? What is wrong with him? Then there are days when I feel like it's all me.  Am I doing this right? Will he be in therapy for years because we spank him? Am I teaching him the right things? What am I doing here at all? Who let me have kids?

I mean, I am still new to the job here.  I have no other experience to base my findings on yet.  I'm hoping for much more luck this next time around! But really, how do you know when your kid is just being a kid and when there really is a problem? My husband and I have discussed going to seek the advice of our doctor, not because we really feel like Ethan is broken in any way, but mostly for the peace of mind it would give us.  If he's fine then I know I just have to tough it out, and maybe start drinking more. And if there is something wrong then that's fine too and we'll just move on, on the best path for him.  Mostly I need to hear that he is just a toddler being a toddler form someone who knows kids.

They don't tell you when they hand that tiny bundle of baby over to you in the hospital just how hard this job will be.  They don't give you instructions, other than feed it, clothe it, and keep it safe.  They don't tell you that it doesn't get any easier when they start to walk, and then talk, and then talk back to you, and then say horrible things to you. If they did, I believe there wouldn't be such a huge population! Hello China, I found your solution! Show those crazy SOB's a pre-schooler with an attitude, or a teenager going through puberty! But you learn life together, you go through those rough patches as a family.  Some parents only mildly damage their children after it all, some children damage their parents, and some, on both ends, royally screw it up. But I don't think any parent goes into having a child with the feeling that they intend to emotionally scar their kid for life.  It's all part of the learning curve.

Life is messy, as a blog I just read so perfectly put.  Even when it looks neat on the surface, there's still some dirt under it all.  Anyone who pretends to have all their shit together isn't fooling anyone.  In fact you're probably the most messed up! But I'll take my mess, my obstinate child and his temper and all his flaws any day.  God only gives us what He believes we can handle, and I am so glad to know that He thinks I am a real bad ass! Because He sure dishes it out!

It would be so nice if more parents were able to share their insecurities with one another.  Think of the wealth of knowledge we could all gain, think of the support! Instead of everyone just trying to pretend that they have it all together, so much more could be accomplished by being honest. The "Dude, I have NO CLUE what I am doing here with this kid! Help!" Instead of " Oh Samantha is just perfect! Such an angel all the time, we're so blessed!" Blech! No one believes that bull shit! In fact I may start my own support group, called "Most days my kid is great, but some days he's a real asshole." And we will all be truthful and honest and share war stories and also share the good stories too. And there will be wine, lots of wine, and cake. And maybe pie...anyone with me?

9 weeks and counting down!

Yikes! We are in the single digits now!! Only nine weeks left until life is totally turned upside-down!

Things are still going ok over here, I keep remembering just how unpleasant the last trimester is.  My body feels like crap all the time and my nausea has returned! Yea!! I am thisclose to going back on the anti-nausea medication I was on in my first trimester!

My doctor visits are now bi-weekly so I will be stressing even more about my weight, which is still fine.  I guess since I was constantly harassed by my last OB about my weight at each and every visit, I keep expecting to get the same verbal lashing from my current OB. But she keeps assuring me that everything is just fine.  And at this point I have only gained a mere 26 lbs in comparison to the 50 or so I gained the first time around.  I am being much more careful this time around as my poor body cannot possibly handle another 70 lbs! Besides, I was only able to lose 30+ of that 70 from E so if I gain 30+ with LJ, I know I can handle that!


I posted on facebook a few days ago about a fall I had on Sunday night, which has prompted me to wear only flat soled shoes until LJ gets here, for the safety of both of us! I still have a sore knee, ankle and wrist and doing yoga was actually unpleasant a couple days ago as a result! I am very lucky that I didn't fall on my stomach and that nothing is broken! That could have been much worse! I guess after a while you have to realize that you have limits, so anything with a heel (sniff, sniff) is gone!

Am I a little freaked out that I pretty much have only 2 months left? Maybe. I am feeling better knowing that at the end of this month we will be 100% ready for LJ's arrival so I am not freaking out just yet.  He is measuring right on track so I am not worried that he will end up coming early, well, early as in this month anyhow! As for now I just sit back and count the days! I keep thinking that in the very near future, I will be doing pretty much the same thing, but with a baby. Not sure how much my life will change, but I'm looking forward to it.

 P.S. Can you believe it's already February?

Hurry up and slow down...and other random thoughts

I think that most women, while pregnant, feel as though those 9 months go by excruciatingly slow. I can't exactly say that I feel that way.  I look back and wonder where the last 6.5 months went. I seriously feel so unprepared, like he's going to be here tomorrow and I've got so much yet to do. I was looking for baby mittens at Target a few weeks ago, because we didn't register for any clothes for Lucas and I really felt like I needed to have those mittens rightnow. The one Target I went to must have been re-doing all the baby stuff they had because not only could I not find the damn mittens, but I couldn't find any other infant items (onsies, socks, hats, etc,) as well, and you wouldn't believe the panic that set in because of the damn lack of mittens.  It was like my whole world was going to collapse, like I was going to be officially branded 'asshole mother of the year' because I had 3.5 moths left in my pregnancy and no mittens to show for it. Today, Target did have the baby mittens and I carried them around in my cart the entire time I was in the store, having some relief that I had acquired the wondrous mittens! By the time we were finished I put them back. Like I really need to have mittens right this minuet? I've got 10 weeks left and a pretty limited budget. I think that it's ok to wait a few more weeks for mittens. But that crazy panic sets in every once and a while! I am going to have another baby in a very short amount of time!

 Today my nesting took a toll on my truck, my poor, filthy truck.  We have had the family truckster for about 2.5 years and it has really taken a beating in that time.  No one ever tells you that once you have a child you will never have a clean car again.  I cleaned up paint from E's art classes, soda and food stains from my dear husband, who takes his lunches at work in his car, and trash from months ago. I also tackled stains of questionable nature on the seats (which thus far have defeated even my cleaning abilities,  but I will win damn it!), dust and dirt and grim from years of kids and husband, and I vacuumed about a half ton of gunk off the floor.  That puppy sparkles now like a brand new penny, and 20 bucks says my husband won't even notice. It will look like a dumpster again by tomorrow. Sigh.

Why do you never have a camera handy when you need one? Today the boy was playing with the cat on our bed and the image of my son cradling this giant cat who happens to be about as long as E is tall, was completely priceless. But alas, camera and cell phone were safely tucked away in my purse on the kitchen counter. Boo.

Yesterday my best friend and I took a random trip to Disneyland with our kids.  It's really funny because we both used to go together all the dang time. If you have ever spent time with the two of us you know we have random inside jokes about pretty much everything, and Disney spares no expense.  It really makes life come full circle in a way knowing that here we are (or were for that matter) at this place that still hold so much magic for the two of us, with our children.  Of course I am hugely pregnant and she has a 4 month old so you can imagine how productive our trip was.  Especially getting two huge strollers on and off the tram, while my son was sleeping. Holding a 35 lbs toddler while 6.5 months pregnant is not something I wish to do again anytime soon. But we had fun and I look forward to when the kids are older and we can all go together again (preferably with husbands so they can do the heavy lifting!). Perhaps one day we will be going with our grandkids too!

So I only have 10 weeks left of pregnancy torture and I can tell you I am pretty stoked about that! I'll be really glad to sleep on my back and stomach again, even if I only get to do so for 30 minuet stretches! I am eager to see what this little boy is going to look like, and get to know who he is going to be. And everywhere I go I'll see an adorable little baby and I just want to stick him in my purse and run away. But I refrain from craziness knowing my own little one will be here so soon! And jail is no place to give birth, so I have heard...But I am feeling alright, I have my ups and downs. Some days I feel like I'm still in my first trimester and I want to vomit at everything I see or smell, and some days I feel like I'm not even pregnant. Most days I'm tired, cranky, and hungry. It's like a wonderful surprise each morning when I wake up! Just how shitty will I feel today!?

**And just a little side note here about my profound love (not) of being pregnant:
I understand that there may be readers here who are trying to have children or who wish they had a family or whatever the circumstance, and my complaining about being pregnant is in no way meant to highlight the struggles and frustrations some people may feel when they read about so and so bitching about her pregnancy. I have felt that way a time or two myself. As you may recall, getting pregnant this time around was an extremely difficult and heartbreaking process for my husband and me, and there was a time I felt like I'd probably cut a bitch for talking about having morning sickness and whatnot, but now that I am here, I realize, as well as most women on this wacky roller coaster, that pregnancy sucks. But my complete hatred of pregnancy doesn't make me any less of a good parent, and it doesn't make me resent my children and it is in no way keeping me from trying again for a third child. Best way to put it? Imagine having the flu for nine months, and tell me you wouldn't bitch about that yourself? Right. And if it still bugs you that much, stop reading.

"Mom"petition

Such a touchy subject. And who among us has not committed this sin? (If you honestly think you haven't ever done it, you're one of the worst offenders! True story!)

It seems the instant you become pregnant everyone is filling your head with 'ideas' on how you should raise your child. Some of the info is generally helpful, while for the most part, much of it can be down right condescending.  I mean, when it comes right down to it, don't you, the parent, know what's best for your child? I'm pretty sure I've done my fair share of what other people may think are parenting no-no's.  For instance, I spank my son. Some people think that is totally barbaric! How could you? Gasp, call CPS, this bitch is crazy and beating her child! When honestly, what difference does it make? It is my and my husband's decision to choose how to discipline, feed, nurture, praise, and grow our children into the adults we think they should be. No one else has any say in that.

So why then do we all as moms feel the need to tell each other, be it subtly or not so subtly, that what your doing is wrong? What is with the mompetition?

What is with this need to feel like other moms suck at child raising? And that you are indeed "winning" at this parenting thing? The need to judge how other moms choose to raise their children is overwhelming!  Do we do this because we really feel like total parenting failures most of the time? And if we see Sally Soandso doing something downright atrocious, does it make you feel better about you and your own shortcomings?

Maybe it just falls into women being uber competitive with each other even before children come in the picture.  Suzie has more friends than Jenny, Tasha has bigger boobs than Evie, Megan married a lawyer while Christy married a plumber, etc. From the beginning it seems that women are hardwired to compete against each other in this strange contest. Does anyone know why? I sure as heck don't! But it seems to make sense. And while Evie may never have bigger boobs than Tasha, she can gloat in her mind that she is a much better mom because she only feeds her children organic food while Tasha is the fast food queen! Do you sleep better at night Evie? Probably not.

You would think that as moms we would be coming together, sharing horror stories and bonding over a lack of sleep when it really gets down to that fake smile, ass out hug, and air kisses everytime you see another mom you know,  then you go talk shit to your husband about the fact that she lets her kids drink soda! You know dudes don't do this stuff. Can you imagine your husband in this conversation with his buddies:

"Oh my gosh Paul, you will never guess who was at the playground today texting away on his iphone while his kid ate fist fulls of dirt!"
"Who, was it Norm?"
"Yes! Can you believe that guy? I mean, put the phone down and watch your kid!"
"Ugh, seriously! That guy is so father of the year!"

 Ha ha, right? But you know you've probably had a conversation similar to that with your girlfriends. (again, don't lie to yourself, we all do it, this is a safe place where no one is judging you...) Maybe we just shouldn't care about those things.  I mean, it's not your kid who is eating dirt, or wearing disposable diapers, or who is formula fed, or who is still not potty trained, and on and on and on, so why do you care? You don't have to deal with it? And every mom knows that when you get home, your little angel isn't such an angel after all. Some days kids suck! Being a parent is hard and no one is blissful and happy after you have children! Sorry, they are hard work!  I always say (post child) that being a parent is the hardest but most rewarding job I've ever had. Why would we even think about being better than the next gal? Honestly, if your kid grows up and doesn't go on wild killing sprees, doesn't get robbed by a hooker, has some sort of job, and doesn't end up in rehab 178 times you've probably done a pretty dang good job, despite all the hater-mom's opinions out there. So next time you catch yourself starting to judge someone over their parenting choices, stop and think about why. Maybe we can put an end to this garbage!

Calendar

Just got our 2012 calendars today (thanks mom!).  It brings up all sorts of excitement and anticipation for the upcoming months,  and the promise of a fresh start that a new year gives us .  What does 2012 hold for us?  Filling out each month with the necessary information, birthdays, Dr.'s appointments, parties, etc., leads me to wonder what each new month will hold. 

Will March bring that big promotion that my husband is up for? (prayers are indeed needed for this one, if you would)
Will we have our own home by May?
Will we be able to take a nice vacation for our 5 year anniversary in July?
Will we still be living in the high desert in September?
 Will we be going to Florida in October?
Will we have a big Christmas this year with our newly expanded families?

There is so much this year that I am looking forward to, and I feel it in my heart that this year will be so much better for my family. It makes me eager to see the time fly by and welcome each new surprise with open arms.