Friday, April 22, 2016

"Fat Amy"

            So the last time I wrote I discussed how I had a food addiction and how this has been really difficult for me to overcome.  I recently purchased some books to help me work through these issues, and both have been really helpful (if you'd like to know more about them , send me a message on my Facebook page.) They have thus far been very enlightening and have helped me to start to look at food in a new light.  It's been about three weeks and I was feeling really good, and felt like I made some progress.  Today when I got on the scale I was down five pounds even! But there was an incident today that really threw me for a loop.  Yesterday after my rounds in the hospital, I noticed a giant rip in the bum of my scrub pants, (these scrubs we are required to wear are garbage and half of my class has had them rip, no joke!) I was concerned over how long this tear had been in my pants and put it to my group of really great people, knowing they would have said something if they had noticed...No one noticed which means, whew! They must have ripped when I got in or out of my truck on the way home.  The next day at class we were all laughing and joking about it and one of my classmates offered a spare pair of his pants, I told him that I had a big butt and his pants wouldn't fit me, and after some of his insisting his pants were an XL, and they'd fit, I  told him these that I had were a 2XL.  (this alone was shameful for me, but I never put too much into it as the sizing is really weird for these scrubs too, I normally wear a large in ALL the other scrubs I've ever owned)  another classmate said "Damn! 2XL??" I really didn't bat an eyelash because I joke around about being fat with these guys all the time. At that point in time, it seemed like it didn't bother me.

           Sitting back today and reflecting on everything that happened after that point, I was wondering what made me eat like a crazy person today when I had been doing so well for the last week.  That's when I stumbled across something in my readings that hit me like a ton of bricks.  The author asked us readers to write down why we tend to eat in secrecy, away from others, and what we think other people would think if they saw us eating they way we did in secret.  "What would _____ think if he/she saw you eating what you wanted to eat in front of them?" It brought me right back to this issue today, hell, it brought me back to the third grade when the boy I liked called me thunder thighs! So I let myself have cake, and then we went and got ice cream with the kids, and then I ate so much at dinner that I felt really full. 

            I'm going to have rough days.  I'm going to have great days.  I'm going to have people who support me and people who don't understand me.  He didn't mean to be hurtful, I know that for sure, but it did hurt, and that is my fault.  I allowed myself to be in this position by making fun of me first, by trying to make light of my shitty situation to feel like it was something that is acceptable.  Be the funny fat chick, make fun of yourself first, like in Pitch Perfect, I'm fat Amy.
Seriously...I called myself out so that others wouldn't.  And it sort of backfired today. But, I realize that I can't put myself in that situation with out feeling really vulnerable, I wasn't prepared for the emotional backlash that followed and it fucked up my whole day.  But it's not ruining the rest of my life.  I'll take my tender bits, dust them off and try better tomorrow.  Taking this journey one day at a time.

Friday, April 1, 2016

The long, hard road

It has been a while.  Life gets crazy and it gets hard to keep up with these kinds of things in the daily grind.  But as it is the beginning of the month, I find myself in a real tough spot emotionally.  One I keep finding myself in over, and over again.  I recall saying I'll never go back to 200+ again once I got down to 198.  I remember crying tears of joy because, before kids, I seriously never thought I'd get that far, and I did.  And tragedy hit me and I gained 26 lbs back but with the help of my girls at work, I lost 13 of it.  Dang I worked my ass off too! I was feeling good, starting to look good(ish) and then nursing school happened. Over the course of four months I've managed to gain almost every pound I lost back.  12 of 13. Oh, I've been going to the gym, at least 3 times a week, running at least twice a week for 2 miles each go, and weight lifting 1-2 times a week too.  The issue is I have this addiction disorder (It actually runs in the family.) I am a food addict. I eat my feelings; when I'm bored, mad, sad, tired....It's been pretty bad lately.  And it's obviously not something I come right out and talk about, not seriously anyway.  You can team this up with my fancy bipolar disorder and the fact that I can blow through money like its toilet paper sometimes too.  They go hand in hand some days.  I don't even realize I'm doing it, that's the scary thing.  I walked into a store for one reason and walked out with a box of giant cookies that I ate almost half of by myself.  I was starving yesterday after clinicals and went to get lunch and grabbed ice cream too.  I spent money on TWO things I really didn't need, WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT! That's almost scary. 
I weighed myself as is customary on the first of the month, and usually when I do this I have lost something from the previous months, but these last two months my stats have gone up instead of down.  I cried as I took my measurements because I can see the damage I'm doing to myself.  Breaking through the addiction has been my biggest road block.  If I can't fix this, I can't fix me and that has never felt more real than right now in these moments. Food addiction is not something you really think about, but when you look at just the addiction part of it?  I mean, addiction is very powerful, if you can't get to the bottom of it, it never goes away.  I've seen it with my own family, you replaced one vice for another.  I've seen people who have has gastric bypass do the same thing, you exchange one vice for another.  If you can't beat the addiction altogether, you're really effed.  So I've been working on breaking down this major stronghold in my life.  I 've got a couple books I'm working out of and they both tell me that journaling is a great tool for helping to navigate through these waters, and I've been pretty dammed honest and open here in the past so here goes nothing.  I'll never quit my pursuit of finding a healthier version of myself.  I'll keep on trying until I'm either where I need to be or dead! Most of the time I post stuff here to encourage or motivate, today I'm the one who needs the encouragement and motivation! I'll keep posting as long as I physically can, it's really hard to find the time to journal with school demanding so much of my time!! But please, if you pray, pray for me, if not, send me good vibes, luck, whatever, tomorrow is Lu's b-day so pizza, ice cream, and cake.  Hooray. Just how I need to start this month off!!