Thursday, August 18, 2011

I'm happy, right?

It's hard to get excited when the last time you found out you were pregnant the whole thing went up in smoke. It shouldn't be, I mean, I should be happy, excited, elated, relieved, but there's a part of me that can't get too attached. At least not yet.
My doctor has told me that it is pretty uncommon for you to have two back to back miscarriages, but it still weighs heavily on your mind.
It is very early still.  Just shy of 5 weeks, which is coincidentally the same time I started the process of losing the last baby, so imagine if you will, how frightened I feel. My symptoms so far are pretty mild, I am mostly moody, a teensy bit nauseated like, every other day, and a little tired every now and then. Much different from the last time where I was feeling sick and very tired right away, so this must be good right? Well, I hope at least!
Overall, I guess I really, really want to believe that everything is going to be fine. I'll feel better after we make it to 7 weeks, but the feeling will never go away. I could still miscarry at 9, 13, or 20 weeks. Or worse.
Keep your fingers crossed, and send out a big "Stay put baby!" for me will ya?

Monday, August 8, 2011

PMS, I loath thee....

I hate PMS. No, really, I hear you girls out there who are silently agreeing with me. The cravings, the bloating, the acne. But this hatred, for me, it goes way deeper than that. Each time I get so much as a pimple I know what's coming. It's not just Aunt Flo for me kids. It's a sign of defeat. Again. It's mother nature giving me the middle finger. The "take that beotch", rub-it-in-my-face kind of attitude my life keeps handing me left and right. Because ultimately, it's another failed attempt to have another baby.

I told myself that I wasn't going to do this, get all bitchy and stuff, after the miscarriage heard round the world, but I blame those evil hormones that come with the teenage acne I'm experiencing at the moment and I am pissed as hell. Because the last two and a half months of my life have been more fucked up than any one person can possible imagine and I was just hoping with all hope that maybe, just maybe, on some karmic level, all the B.S we have endured as a family, could possibly be painted with a tiny silver lining.

Fuck you PMS, and the horse you rode in on...

blah, blah, ya sure, don't stress about it and whatnot feel good crap y'all are thinking. Save it for a couple weeks and tell me then. Mmmmkay?

With love BITTER Betty.