Sunday, March 27, 2011

He's gonna kill me

The boy is at his first NASCAR race today. Grandma Jo took him for the weekend so the hub and I could have a little alone time. Which just ended up in us having a nice dinner for two, and that's about it. (We're such exciting people.)

I know the kid is going to love this NASCAR stuff, not because white trash is in his blood, because he loves this adventurous stuff.  And because anything dangerous scares the shit out of me.  The first thing he ever sat and paid attention to on the TV wasn't Elmo or Mickey Mouse, it was NASCAR.  He sat there, at about 6 months old, glued to the TV as if the races were the most fascinating thing he had ever seen in 6 short months of his life.  His favorite movie is Disney's Cars, his room, decked out in Cars stuff, he owns and plays with tons of cars. He still loves watching NASCAR on TV. He likes to get down to the core of things, to see how things work, take apart and fix things. He also likes to go fast, he likes to push it to the limits, he is fearless.  He is going to be a NASCAR driver. And I will probably die of a heart attack because I will be afraid for him. 

I try really hard not to be one of those mom's who never lets her kid do anything because she's afraid. I want my kid to have every experience he wants, to taste all of the sweet juices that life's cup offers him.  But it comes at a price to me. Every time he gets too close to the edge, every time I feel that their is the potential for danger, I'll want to jump in and protect him.  But he needs to learn, and fall, and get hurt in order to grow and learn.  So while he takes his lumps in life I'll sit back and hate every minuet of it.  I'll die a little inside when things don't go well for him, but he will jump up and brush himself off and keep going, just like he has done from the very beginning. And someday this boy's sense of adventure is going to kill his poor, frail, play-it-safe momma!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


March 18th 2008. I never got to go into labor. You started to lose oxygen and had to be cut out of me. I didn't get to hold you right away. In fact it was a few hours later. But I already knew how much I loved you.

We had been through a lot in those 9 months.  Trip to the ER, a move, you wanting Mc Donalds sausage mcmuffins with egg all the time...(maybe that was me...) You kicked me constantly, got the most annoying hiccups sometimes as much as 7 times a day, and made my life miserable during your "incubation" phase.  But I still knew how much I loved you.

You changed my world for the better. Even though you are truly a little devil, you are also mommy's angel. My purpose in life had changed, it was no longer about me or about Daddy. Everything I've done, no matter how unpleasant, has been for your benefit. There were weeks when it was so rough dad and I were eating nothing but top ramen so you could eat the good stuff.  There will never be a day where you go hungry, where you ever feel or notice the struggle that Dad and I face sometimes.  I'll do everything I can to make sure you have everything you need. Always. I would walk through the fires of hell for you child. I hope you know that.

I was so happy on your 1st birthday. My baby growing up! I was so excited to see all the new things you'd be learning and exploring. All sorts of new possibilities opening up for you everyday. Then that year flew by and you turned 2.

Your little personality made a huge appearance and caused my world chaos.  I cried the day 2 rolled around, now it's going by too fast. I want time to slow down, to savor the sweetness of your last days in baby-hood. To hold you too tightly and not want to let go, but to also learn to let you grow up and let you learn on your own. You are so my child in looks as well as mannerisms. You can make my life so rough some days, but everyday you make my life worth living!

And now, 3. Ya, I'm still crying. The last traces of baby are gone. You are a little boy. A little boy who loves cars and trains and cuddles with mommy under the covers. Who giggles at farts, who loves ghost movies and shows, who only wants to eat junk food despite mom's best efforts, who also loves video games despite mom's best efforts.  A little boy with a sense of adventure, who isn't afraid of anything (mom has enough fear for two anyhow) who will try it all once, maybe even twice (unless it's vegetables!) You are all things wonderful and all things fiery, feisty and full of life. Hot tempered, a bit spoiled, and 100% lovable. I love you little man. And even though it's so hard to let go of my baby, I am looking forward to the time I have with this wonderful little boy. Je t'aime toujours mon petite. Tu est mon reason d'existance, variment. *

*hopefully the French is correct, I mean it's been years. I speak French way better than I spell French...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

HCG diet week 2

Well, I survived week 1, barley....  7lbs down,  11 total, so 19 to get to my first goal of losing 30  by 30.  It was rough, with ups and downs, mostly downs. So far I consider this fat kid torture, but it has been very effective.

Day 8:  I was super bummed, almost depressed yesterday because I only lost a few ounces. When I stepped on the scale today I was expecting another low blow to find that I had lost another pound and a half! I kept telling myself if I was still stuck I was going to try the "cheat meal" method to get me unstuck. I still am considering cheating because I really want a fucking bowl of fruit loops man. Damn that tempting son of a bitch Tucan Sam! I still don't feel hungry per say, but craving everything like a mother trucker.  18 more days of detoxing :( Will I make it? Stay tuned!

Day 9: Gained a pound. W.T.F...How exactly does one gain a pound by eating 500 calories? Hmmm? So I had a "cheat meal" for breakfast.. A small bowl of fruit loops (oh it was soooo good!) and some coffee...with cream...dun dun dun...This freaking diet is working my patience.  And while I want to quit, I won't because it's been super effective thus far. I guess week 2 is just going to be riddled with ups and downs as I try to experiment and try different things.  I am going for a nice walk today to help burn off some extra calories (and steam) and the rest of my meals today will be back to normal.  I was so excited to see if I had broken through another milestone today, 2 more lbs (now 3 grrr) and I'll be out of the 210's.  Now I hate posting my actual weight on here, because, well, who would? But I am excited about the prospect of breaking through the 10's where I have been stuck for 3 years. Only to have it dangled in front of my nose like a cupcake on a string then snatched away from me because I'm trying to tweak this or that with my diet to satisfy both myself and the diet's requirements. Today, I hate this diet.  Tomorrow, we may be friends again...maybe...

Day10: I seriously picked the worst time to diet. We're in the middle of packing up and moving so the house is in complete disarray and my nerves are shot already. All I want is to eat but I'm stuck on the good ol diet....Good thing I lost that pound I gained or I'd have been pissed! Maybe walking can wait a bit, cuz honestly, I haven't been doing it...This shit is hard...seriously!

Day 11: Scale didn't that's how this week is going to be huh? You're a dirty, dirty whore HCG...Oh and since we're being honest here, lemme tell you about another unpleasant effect of this diet...Since you aren't eating as much crap, you don't crap. I've taken the suggested fiber and still, nothing, so guess what that means? Laxatives and enemas! Yea! You guys are all lining up to buy this stuff now right?
14 days to go...

Day 12: Yesterday, as suggested to break through a plateau, I ate apples. Yes, Just apples. I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat the recommended 6, just 2. I did not lose anything. Stuck, regardless of the fact that I had 2 apples to eat ALL DAY. If I don't move beyond this point I will be discontinuing this diet as of Tuesday. I can probably do better now with out these stupid drops. All it's doing is causing trouble. Sure it worked really well the first week, but this week has been literal torture. At this point I don't recommend this stuff to anyone. I hate this damned diet....

Day 13: So I super cheated yesterday...I ate fried chicken and mac salad for lunch, went to a chili and dessert cook off at my mom's church and sampled some of the fare, I bought my hubby a birthday cake and had a slice, and I bought a ton of girl scout cookies (for after the diet) and ate 3. But I needed it after this crappy diet week.  It was soooo good. And unless my sister's scale is broken, I didn't gain anything! So today I'm back on the diet, but feeling re-charged and ready for a new week, with a few revisions, and I WILL add walking and yoga! Getting on the treadmill now...

Day 14: I did get on the treadmill btw...But ate dinner at Red Robin since today was the hub's birthday, followed by cake, and ice cream....I was a bad girl, and I gained 2 pounds, but you know what? It was so worth it! I'm telling you, eating normal food has never tasted soooo good!

So my 2 pounds lost this week were re-gained, but it was bliss after the week of hell I've had with this diet. Weight loss total is the same as last week, but back on the diet with a few modifications (for future survival purposes....) next week!