Sunday, May 30, 2010

Run fat girl, Run!

I run. How weird is that? And not just to a box of cookies either! Like real honest to goodness run! I ran my first 5k last summer with my family. Didn't do too bad either, for no training that is! I mean I was practically being pulled to the finish line by my sister but hell, I finished right? And you know what? It was a pretty un-fucking-believable feeling too. Or maybe that was my asthma? True fat kids have atshma!!!

So I decided to start training for a half marathon in December after that. Needless to say, it didn't happen and I haven't been exactly "consistent" in my efforts  to train since.  A day here, a day there once a month ect...So yesterday I decided that since I was awaken by a toddler...again...instead of reaching for a box of doughnuts (of which there were none left anyway remember?) perhaps I should go for a run. Nothing too serious, just a casual jog around the neighborhood. It was actually pretty invigorating; clean, crisp air in my lungs, all my wobbly parts working synonymously to project my massive mass forward...sigh...good times. That is until I woke up this morning and hurt from head to toe. The kind of hurt where every step is pain;where breathing too deep kills your abs kinda burn. Ya...awesome! No I really mean it! There is some sort of sick satisfaction that I get from that. Freaking masochist that I am! But I digress, as usual!

The plan is to do the 5k again in September, it was truly a blast. The whole out of shape family decided that we are glutton for punishment and are going to partake in the festivities again, and perhaps actually all  do the Las Vegas half marathon in December! Yikes! But  for a fat person there could be no better feeling, short of becoming un-fat, than accomplishing something like that! Hey! My ass may even look smaller after all that training! Ya, you're right...wishful thinking, remember my last blog about doughnuts? I kinda like to eat! And running (even once a month!) makes me hella hungry! But I will begin (or is that resume?) my training efforts this week! I am, in some sick and twisted, way really bound and determined to run a half marathon, I mean, eventually! So, stay tuned kiddies!

                                                                 Guess which one is me!
                                                                    (hint, the fat one!)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


My son wakes me up at a quarter to seven this morning making that seriously annoying "pop" noise with his mouth.  After having a tumultuous night that included very little sleep due to a screaming toddler and a  mommyfied nervous breakdown, my first thought apon being rudely awoken were not "I'm just going to ignore this and try to go back to bed." No. They were: "Hmmm, I have a half a bag of mini frosted chocolate doughnuts in the cabinet right now." Oh ya. Those bad boys were practically singing to me! Sleep? Who needs it! Mama has a hankering for some sugar! And not the calorie free kind I can get from the Hub...

Let's back-peddle a bit here. This being the premiere "Angry fat chick" post and all. I have always been a bit heavier. As far back as I can remember, I was the essential fat kid. You know, the one you see in every movie about young kids doing crazy things, a la "The Sandlot", "Stand by me", "Goonies", you get the picture, right? Ya, I'm the Chunk, literally. I've never really been ok with this, but as a fat kid I accepted my role and played it well. It's true to the stereotype, I'm pretty funny. As a fat kid you have to be. That's the gift God gives you for the big joke of your crappy metabolism. But my fat-ness wasn't quite as bad (at least in my own mind) until after the birth of my son. Oh ya, gained 70 lbs form that little bundle of joy. And as much as I would like to blame him, little angel that he is, he did not threaten to eat me from the inside out if I didn't feed him  2.5 McMuffins daily. Oh ya, McDonald's knew me by name and star sign! While I lost a little over 30 lbs in the two years post-birth, I am still at my fattest ever. I'm not even sure of how it's humanly possible for me to eat enough calories in a day to maintain this more "fluffy" version of myself, which I guess points me back to the doughnuts in the cabinet....

I had a hell of a sweet tooth at the grocery store yesterday. No bueno folks! NEVER a good idea to go to a place where the first thing you see when you walk in the door is frosted chocolate doughnuts! And people wonder why Americans are fat! Well, against my better judgment (the inner skinny chick in my head begging me to put the doughnuts down) I put them in my cart. Along with some mini cherry pies (they were on sale for .53 cents!), a quart of vanilla ice cream, and a box of m&m cookies. Today all that remains of that sugar coated calorie fest are the pies. Yup, and I wonder why and how I got to weigh in at 215 lbs....FML!!!!