Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Last night I stayed up later than usual, engulfed in an incredible book, (more on which I will disclose as soon as I'm finished.) As soon as I finished my reading, I began to feel sad. Sad that our attempt at procreation #4 was again unsuccessful, sad that for whatever reason, we were struggling with something that had come so easily to us the first time.  Then I began to feel selfish. I have the most adorable, beautiful, wonderful little boy, who lay fast alseep just down the hall from me.  In that moment I felt like our attempts to bring another child into the world were selfish ( a stupid feeling, I know) and wrong.  But at the same time, it feels like we are still missing a big part of our little family.

Is it fair to disrupt the wonderful thing that we have going on here? Will E feel less loved if we have another child? Will I love the other child less because I sure feel like my heart doesn't have a lot of room left after loving him so dearly?  But it's not the right now that I foresee, it's years down the road. Looking at him and his siblings huddled close together after the loss of one of his parents. Surely I can't leave him in this world alone? He has his two cousins, but the relationship between them will never be the same as the bond between siblings. I look to my own as an example. It wasn't necessarily easy when we were younger, but now, I couldn't imagine my life without them.

I think that trying to have another child brings up so many questions I never anticipated before, and I also wonder if my feelings are normal I guess. Did others go through with this when they expanded their families? Perhaps it's simply because I'm just emotional at the infertility issues we seem to be having. Every month that passes without success just brings me closer to believing maybe we aren't supposed to be having more children. And while the thought of having another child seems a bit selfish to me now, in the long run it seems unfair to Ethan to not have anymore children. I know in my heart that I want more. I always have. I just never expected all of the emotions that came with it.

Am I alone in this?


  1. You are definitely not alone in this. When I was pregnant with my first, I felt an overwhelming love and connection to that little thing growing inside of me. When he came out it was like the world stopped turning and all there was was him. My husband and I decided to try for a 2nd and got pregnant pretty much right away. The whole pregnancy was spent having thoughts like yours instead of feeling a connection to my baby. Even after he came out I wasn't really sure I had made the right decision. It took maybe a day for me to recover mentally and emotionally and I assure you that there is enough room in you heart for as many kids as you can have. My boys are almost 3 years apart, and now that they are 2 and almost 5 they have a lot of fun playing together. I'm so glad I had my 2nd, and now there's talk of a 3rd. If you ever need to talk about feelings, don't hesitate to contact me!

  2. you are not alone...sometimes having a second child seems in reach...as for me we tired for 2 yrs before we had Mia I gave up plenty of times but still did whatever the doctors told me to do and take the meds they put me on to have her now it took only 3 months from being put on meds and I was prego. sometimes it is easy but if life was easy we all would be rich..lol

  3. Thanks for your comments guys! It extremely reassuring!

  4. Hi Sis,

    You aren't alone. I went through all the seem feelings you are having. We also hard a much harder time getting pg the 2nd time around. Part of it was my age I'm sure as I was 38 at the time. But it was still disheartening every month when Ol Aunt Flo showed up at my door. I was worried about Greyson being alone when one of us passed on too. It's a scary feeling thinking of your child alone in the world and not being there to help them. I was also worried about how he would handle a sibling especially since he requires so much attention due to his medical issues. He surprised us by being thrilled at getting a brother and was actually excited and good to Christian for a long time. Now that they are 2 & 5 they beat the crap out of each other but this too shall pass I'm told.

    I'll tell you this much about having enough love. The heart is an amazing thing. It just grows and grows. You will have more than enough love to share with your children. It truly is an awesome thing. And to watch them play together just melts my heart.

    Give it time Sweetie. It all happens when it's supposed too. I know we aren't close in distance or emotion, but I love you very much and am here if you ever need anything. Ethan has 2 cousins up here that would love to play with him too.

    I love you.

  5. While I was pregnant with my second, I was REALLY worried about the same things. I knew how much I loved my first, and was fairly certain there wasn't enough love for the second.
    Good news is, I was wrong. Tons of love for the second one and some more for the first. I know for me, I learned a lot more about mommyhood being a mommy of two then I did being a mommy of one. So no worries. Everything you're feeling is normal. It'll all sort itself out!