Last night I stayed up later than usual, engulfed in an incredible book, (more on which I will disclose as soon as I'm finished.) As soon as I finished my reading, I began to feel sad. Sad that our attempt at procreation #4 was again unsuccessful, sad that for whatever reason, we were struggling with something that had come so easily to us the first time. Then I began to feel selfish. I have the most adorable, beautiful, wonderful little boy, who lay fast alseep just down the hall from me. In that moment I felt like our attempts to bring another child into the world were selfish ( a stupid feeling, I know) and wrong. But at the same time, it feels like we are still missing a big part of our little family.
Is it fair to disrupt the wonderful thing that we have going on here? Will E feel less loved if we have another child? Will I love the other child less because I sure feel like my heart doesn't have a lot of room left after loving him so dearly? But it's not the right now that I foresee, it's years down the road. Looking at him and his siblings huddled close together after the loss of one of his parents. Surely I can't leave him in this world alone? He has his two cousins, but the relationship between them will never be the same as the bond between siblings. I look to my own as an example. It wasn't necessarily easy when we were younger, but now, I couldn't imagine my life without them.
I think that trying to have another child brings up so many questions I never anticipated before, and I also wonder if my feelings are normal I guess. Did others go through with this when they expanded their families? Perhaps it's simply because I'm just emotional at the infertility issues we seem to be having. Every month that passes without success just brings me closer to believing maybe we aren't supposed to be having more children. And while the thought of having another child seems a bit selfish to me now, in the long run it seems unfair to Ethan to not have anymore children. I know in my heart that I want more. I always have. I just never expected all of the emotions that came with it.
Am I alone in this?