Thursday, January 27, 2011


We are moving. Again. This will be my 16th move in my 30 years of life. The majority of those moves have been in the past 6 years.

I cannot stay still. I'm like those people you see that are always moving their bodies, only I have to re-locate my life. My soul is never content on staying in one place, so once the wind starts blowing my way I look on to what's next for me, or more recently, us.

I am certian I know when it started. You see, in high school I dated a boy who's family would always go on the awesome vacations, and during the almost two years we dated I go to tag along. I went places that were breath taking an awe inspiring to me. Thus a love of travel blossomed after our puppy love died out. My family never really vacationed. We went on endless trips to Disneyland, and we still do, and one trip up the coast of Cali when we were all older. Not sure why.

I started traveling when I was in 18. I lived in Montana for a month, drank up the big sky country with arms open, but the timing in my life was wrong and I didn't get as much out of the experience as I should have. (This was right after the puppy love ended mind you.) Then it was New York city. I was so far away from home, and it was so new and exciting to me. I wanted to move out there as soon as I got home. Then I went on my first cruise to Baja.

After this I started moving, no where really exciting, out of my parents house at 19, out of Cali at 24. But nothing ever feels right. No matter how many times I move after a while, I start to get that itch. I've always wanted more, not to be one who settles in one spot until they die, I feel the need to see, taste, and touch everything life has to offer.  I feel like I'm missing something, like I haven't found my "home" yet. 

Luckily, my husband is patient. He knows it will probably be a very long time until he gets to buy a house, we tried once, but my fear of commitment ultimately got in the way.  I just want to feel like I can go whenever we want, once a lease is up we can change things, be they across town or to a new state. He reluctantly has agreed to move to Oregon, (Possibly that is, part of why we are taking a big va-cay there this summer, a scouting trip I call it)  and has even pacified my wanderlust  at times by promising to retire in a foreign country one day.  Truth is, my husband has seen and experienced things he never imagined with me as his wife.  I think he kind of likes my spontaneity, it gives him something he never had. Before me he had hardly been out of the state of California, now he's spent 2 years of his life experiencing Nevada, and he's also sunned on the beaches of Hawaii, and will soon parade the streets of PDX and SFC. And my son, will be the most well traveled kid around, he will be like the ex boy-friend of mine. Winters in Hawaii, summers in Europe, trips here and there. He will have what I've dreamed and longed for, stamps on his passport.

I may never feel satisfied. I told my husband I'll settle eventually, but I'll need to travel. My soul is just too restless. The world is a big place, with many corners to explore and I want to see them all. But for now we go back to safety, back to our roots, back to the only place that's felt close to "home", until that darned wind starts to blow again...

Friday, January 21, 2011

Fat Chick Friday: 30 by 30

I'm doing the happy in my pants dance right now. I just jumped on the scale and I have lost another 4 lbs this week! I'm down 8 lbs in two weeks! Which really isn't that hard when you're fat anyway, (hello, have you seen  how much weight they lose on Biggest Loser?) but dammit I'm stoked since I put in about 75% of my effort.  Kind of makes me want to put in like 90% next week. Maybe that's why I'm dragging my husband to *try* a spin class with me today. (GULP) I'm too scared to go alone and have coerced him with ten different favors to come along and be my moral support, or to carry my broken ass back to the car after...

But I haven't told you guys about 30 by 30!

Feeling quite bad about how slothful and gluttonous I had been the first twelve days of the new year I sat in bed on Jan 12th thinking this madness has got to stop. I had an epiphany that night, 4 days after the calender's epiphany. I can and should be losing 10 lbs a month. I should be...wait, today is the 12th of January, in EXACTLY 90 days, on April 12th, I will turn 30...OH MY GOSH! I can lose 30 lbs by my 30th birthday!! Thus the next day began the 30 by 30 program.

They say in weight loss you need to set small, easily accomplish-able goals for yourself so that each small victory encourages you to finish the next one. If you make a goal of wanting to lose 90 lbs, it becomes daunting, but breaking it up into smaller goals makes it more realistic, more achievable.  So this has become my project.

I'm eating less, but not depriving myself, because this momma loves the food, and depravity only leads to binging, and Lord knows I've already been down that road! I am also forcing my ass to hit the gym, I mean, one of my new year's goals was to run a half marathon this year, so I should be training right? Run, Fat girl, RUN!

Now I know some of you faithful readers are thinking, isn't she also trying to get pregnant? Well, yes I am , and no I'm not? We are still trying but not with the fury we had before. If I get pregnant before I've lost the 30, then I will just keep maintaining these new-found healthy habits, not eating McDonald's meals  3 times a day, and working my pregnanty-ass out. I am ok with waiting, I've gotten over all the issues I had with having kids into my 30's (hell, I see women ALL THE TIME at work who are having kids well into their 30's and it's ok, nothing says I have to be super young to have kids!) and I've come to accept that my body doesn't work the way it did when I was 26, I've put her through some crap in the last 4 years! And it my thus, take longer to get knocked up. And E? He will be just fine being 3 or even 4 years older than his sibling, at least he will have them, and he and his cousins are thisclose in age, they will be pals forever!

So let's pray (please, oh please, oh please Lord) that I keep up the good work, the motivation and the will power! Oh and pray that I survive spin today! Yikes!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Last night I stayed up later than usual, engulfed in an incredible book, (more on which I will disclose as soon as I'm finished.) As soon as I finished my reading, I began to feel sad. Sad that our attempt at procreation #4 was again unsuccessful, sad that for whatever reason, we were struggling with something that had come so easily to us the first time.  Then I began to feel selfish. I have the most adorable, beautiful, wonderful little boy, who lay fast alseep just down the hall from me.  In that moment I felt like our attempts to bring another child into the world were selfish ( a stupid feeling, I know) and wrong.  But at the same time, it feels like we are still missing a big part of our little family.

Is it fair to disrupt the wonderful thing that we have going on here? Will E feel less loved if we have another child? Will I love the other child less because I sure feel like my heart doesn't have a lot of room left after loving him so dearly?  But it's not the right now that I foresee, it's years down the road. Looking at him and his siblings huddled close together after the loss of one of his parents. Surely I can't leave him in this world alone? He has his two cousins, but the relationship between them will never be the same as the bond between siblings. I look to my own as an example. It wasn't necessarily easy when we were younger, but now, I couldn't imagine my life without them.

I think that trying to have another child brings up so many questions I never anticipated before, and I also wonder if my feelings are normal I guess. Did others go through with this when they expanded their families? Perhaps it's simply because I'm just emotional at the infertility issues we seem to be having. Every month that passes without success just brings me closer to believing maybe we aren't supposed to be having more children. And while the thought of having another child seems a bit selfish to me now, in the long run it seems unfair to Ethan to not have anymore children. I know in my heart that I want more. I always have. I just never expected all of the emotions that came with it.

Am I alone in this?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Fat Chick Friday: What's my motivation??

So, under normal circumstances (i.e. before I had a family to support) I was fiercely competitive with just about anyone and anything.  Lifestyle changes, (my weight being the uh-hem, largest thing to change) has not sapped the spark for a healthy competition, but it sure as hell has effected the motivation.

This time last year I had just found out my best friend has gotten engaged, so I "vowed" that I was going to try and lose 40 lbs by her wedding in May.  I lost 14, progress yes, but seriously, coulda, shoulda, woulda, been 40 had I really put my best efforts into it.

Well if we are going to get technical, I 've vowed on dozens of occasions to finally do it, to let this year be the year that I look good in a bathing suit. But to perfectly honest, I 'm hoping the Apocalypse comes before then this time, because the motivation? She's been on vacation, for oh, the last 20 years of my life!

Some say losing weight is a lifestyle change, a huge commitment. And I know that to be successful, a lifestyle change is what has to be made.  When we moved to Vegas, I put our family on a 30/70 organic food diet, and we still stick to that pretty much today. But I'm still fat. I also said we would limit out fast food and dining out  trips for health as well as for the financial aspect, and we really don't eat out all that often. So on that principle, I should have dropped like 20 lbs right? Nope.

It is said that diet and exercise MUST go hand in hand when trying to lose weight as well, but exercising two days here, one day there, running for two weeks, then stopping for six weeks, isn't exactly going to count.

All of my mediocre efforts have resulted in maintaining my current weight, fluctuating a few lbs here and there. But I have never been truly motivated to stick with a plan and see it through. I'm not sure why.. There has never been something that I can't accomplish. When I put my mind to something, it takes all the powers of hell to try and stop me. But not this one thing.  This one thing that has plagued me ALL my life. The one thing that I want more than any of the other things that I have already accomplished.

Weight loss continually eludes me year after year.  I can't for the life of me understand why I can't seem to do this. I can support a family, I can raise a child, I can budget like a mofo, I can pay two cars payments and rent on my income alone, I can make a mean batch of cookies, I can kiss a boo boo, I can help the homeless. I am a powerful creature! But I can't seem to lose weight.

** please note that this is NOT me seeking advice or psychiatric evaluations, just a fat chick rambling on about her shitty motivation!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Be fierce or gtfo!

 Hello my pretties! Now that the holiday madness has passed, and insomnia has woken me up at 5:30 am, I am compelled to write. (Hey, creativity doesn't make appointments folks!)

So the day after we got home form all our holiday gluttony, I stepped on the scale, wrought with fear, as I had *ahem* indulged a bit during said period of festivity. Only instead of jumping off and vowing to eat nothing but cottage cheese forever while hugging my knees on the bathroom floor, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that not only had I NOT gained, but I had lost weight. (note, I was also pretty sick the entire time we were gone.) I immediately assumed that perhaps my scale was just being nice, trying to spare another break down episode, and the death threats that I give it when the numbers don't look good. So I weighed myself the following two days as well. Still looking good.

So since it's a new year and all, and I am the Queen of M Fing fresh starts(see here) the promise of a nice, shiny (OO shiny!), NEW year means all kinds of fun for me. Now I don't like to make resolutions, but I do have a few things each year I strive for.

This year's goals, if you will, are as follows:

Obviosly, watch the scale move much more in the downward motion
Work out more than one day a week, let's get crazy and shoot for three!
Get pregnant! (you'd think it would be easy with my husband)
Actually run the Las Vegas half marathon
Re-locate to a new address as I'm running out of places to hide bodies, and the cops are sniffing around a bit... we would like to live closer to our families.
Travel somewhere new (Portland? Paris?)
Win that free pre-paid cremation from the Neptune Society
And save more money!

So it's time to be fierce or get the fuck out! (for a couple of months anyhow.) Today calls for a run, and I'm dragging the Mr along with too.

>:(  grrrr this is my fierce face! But it kind of looks like an  I have two strands of hair and am very unhappy about it face too. Well, whatever, it's too early in the morning to be sane!