I wanted to post my progress, or not, on this new diet thing I'm trying because I know many of you , like me, are trying to do a ton of stuff to get healthy (total euphemism for getting un-fat) and really want something that works! So I am your official Guinea pig/lab rat. And if it works, I want you all to know too!
Week 1:
The first two days of the diet are "loading" days in which you begin to take the drops and load up on fatty food to create a fat store for the remaining "fast/detox" days. I wasn't sure about this but on a scientific note it seems that it makes sense. So I've been eating a ton of crap, which isn't hard to do if you are heavy like me, since eating that way is what gets you into trouble in the first place. The diet specifies that you load up on high fat foods, not just junk food so we have had doughnuts (which I never eat because while they taste sooo good, they are sooo bad!) cheeseburgers, pizza in day one and mcdonald's b-fast, and mexican food on day two. My hubby is in heaven right now, tomorrow, he's in for a rude awakening!
Day 1: I was in heaven, seriously love to eat and I love to eat crap so this was totally fine for me. The plan says that since you are taking the drops while loading you may get full or not feel like eating. Me: ya fucking right!.....
Day 2: Ok diet...you win... it is so hard to eat today!! I am feeling all crappy, bloated and ...NOT hungry! So I am forcing myself to eat all this crap, and in turn am not feeling well about it. My tummy hurts and I am sooo tired I never want to eat crap again. I am actually looking forward to not eating crap tomorrow! Maybe this will cure me??? Kind of like your parents catching you smoking and making you smoke a whole pack or having a nasty hang over after a night of drinking, I'm dunzo with all this junk...Ugh..off to stuff my face with dinner...
Day 3: First day of restricted eating, and by restricted I mean 500 calories per DAY of veggies, some fruits and lean protein only. (No dairy, sugar, etc...fucking rough!) Now I'm sure like me, most of you are thinking 500 cals a day is a) not healthy and b) eating 500 cals with out the drops will make you lose weight too, so I'll explain how it works: HCG is the hormone found in pregnant women, when the brain thinks it's pregnant and you are not eating enough food to keep the "baby" healthy it starts burning off and using the fat stored in the body, not the muscle. The hormone allows you to eat a low calorie diet and not have the nasty side effects of well, starving yourself by eating only 500 calories. So back to day one of restricted calories, this diet is NOT for the feint at heart! My daily food was as follows: Oatmeal, tea, a packet of 90 cal turkey meat and a chicken breast with tomatoes. Not fun, not tasty, and I was not hungry per say, but my fat ass wanted to eat waaaaay more! So I was miserable.
Day 4: stepped on the scale skeptical as hell, but dropped 3 lbs. In. One. Day. Ate pretty much the same shit I had yesterday but feeling a bit hungry, added 3 rice cake snacks. I'm feeling the same, not necessarily hungry, but my inner fat girl wants me to totally face fuck a chocolate bar or 12 right now. Other wise, I feel fine, normal, even a little bit energetic?
Day 5: Work day. Still super sketchy, stepped on the scale and lost another 2 lbs. This shit seems to be working. Today after my breakfast and tea I felt ....full! Weird...Lunch was a half can of minestrone, some cucumbers and 5 strawberries, felt full again. Didn't sleep well last night but by hour 12 at work I was singing to the 80's on pandora and dancing around the lab...Weird...chicken for dinner again.
Day 6: Another 2 lbs. I am officially at the lightest weight I've ever been since before E was born. I am still waiting for the weight to stop. But 7 lbs in 4 days? I am going to start walking today and see if this energy lasts. Might as well speed things up a bit right? The program states you do not have to work out, but low impact stuff (walking, yoga) should be fine. I have to admit, there's a part of me that is a little scared of losing weight. I've been this way for so long now, I kind of identify myself with it, or hide behind it, and now that I am actually accomplishing this life long goal I feel a bit...mournful? Perhaps why I've been so unsuccessful in the past?
Day 7: I have to admit that every morning I step on that scale I am ready for the scale to go up or to have not moved at all. This morning it only moved a smidge. Just 6 oz. Which is still a move in the right direction but I'll admit that it was a tiny bit disheartening since every other day I've lost around 2 lbs. But I think I may have eaten a bit more yesterday, not because I wanted to , but because I had prepared extra food the night before and ate 2 prepared meals when I generally have only 1. *Note to self,will NOT do that again...
So for my first week I have lost a grand total of 7 lbs, with a combined total of 11 lbs from my 30 by 30 work last month, I will begin adding walking and yoga to this week's regime, still feeling pretty good except for a little meltdown yesterday when I learned that the hubby snuck two pieces of chocolate cake (from work) into our fridge. I opened the box and immediately started crying, because dammit I wanted that shit bad! Then he threw them in the trash which produced and even bigger water works on my behalf. God I hate wasting food! Especially delicious chocolate cake! He had no idea until that moment how difficult this is for me, and I think neither did I. But, it's working, I feel good-ish, not hungry, not tired, just a little grumpy that the inner fat chick isn't going down without a fight!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
it's like parting with a member of the family...
Max is gone.
For those of you who didn't know him, he was beautiful. Fast, sexy, fun, sexy...
He was my baby. The first thing I worked so.freaking.hard to get!
When I was younger, my aunt had a gorgeous red 95' mustang that I loooooved! I wanted that car B.A.D!! So I set my little 14 year old heart on someday having a Mustang of my own.
When Ford re-made the Mustang body type to look more like the classic version, I nearly lost my shit. I was instantly in love. I built my dream car from the frame up, found a dealer with one and did it. I bought myself my dream car. It was the single worst car buying experience I've ever had, and that should have been the first sign of our tumultuous relationship.
In the first year if having Maximus, I replaced 3 tires and the entire front passenger wheel, broke off and replaced the passenger side mirror, got a crack in the windshield, broke the knob off the passenger seat, and had to have the alarm and stereo fixed.
In the remaining years together I had a tire slashed, hit a pole, had someone hit the car and had the entire bumper replaced, replaced the same light bulb on the passenger side brake light twice in a year (dammed passenger side), tore a serpentine belt, and wore the brakes down and broke the knob off the drivers side seat. I've had it for 6 years, it has less than 52,000 miles on it. When we took it in for a recall a few weeks ago, they did a check on the entire vehicle, the total cost of repairs to various belts, fluids and general shit totaled around $1600.
Clearly getting him off our hands was a good thing with all of the above, and you really cannot fit a car seat in that thing and be comfortable. But I still loved him so dang much you would have thought my husband had died the way I cried over him. In his earlier days, he and I had adventures together. Got picked up by random dudes at the gas station, drove way too fast on the freeway and never got caught, he growled when you revved his engine and I loved it! I had a car that made me feel alive, feisty and way hot. He was my status symbol, he made me feel kinda like one of the guys, an appreciator of fine auto, made me feel better than most chicks driving around in their Civic's and Toyota's.
But now, we need something way more practical. Something way more reliable, and something way more accommodating to our family (i.e. a four door) so he had to go. It was the best option for us both. Someone will take way better care of him than me, someone else will love him, and feel like hot shit in him. And we will go on in our new family car with better gas mileage. But I will always remember my first Mustang...
and I am looking forward to the day I can get my hands on my next muscle car...
hubby promised!
Maximus 2006-2011
fare thee well my beloved...
For those of you who didn't know him, he was beautiful. Fast, sexy, fun, sexy...
He was my baby. The first thing I worked so.freaking.hard to get!
 |
| right after I bought him <3 |
When I was younger, my aunt had a gorgeous red 95' mustang that I loooooved! I wanted that car B.A.D!! So I set my little 14 year old heart on someday having a Mustang of my own.
When Ford re-made the Mustang body type to look more like the classic version, I nearly lost my shit. I was instantly in love. I built my dream car from the frame up, found a dealer with one and did it. I bought myself my dream car. It was the single worst car buying experience I've ever had, and that should have been the first sign of our tumultuous relationship.
In the first year if having Maximus, I replaced 3 tires and the entire front passenger wheel, broke off and replaced the passenger side mirror, got a crack in the windshield, broke the knob off the passenger seat, and had to have the alarm and stereo fixed.
In the remaining years together I had a tire slashed, hit a pole, had someone hit the car and had the entire bumper replaced, replaced the same light bulb on the passenger side brake light twice in a year (dammed passenger side), tore a serpentine belt, and wore the brakes down and broke the knob off the drivers side seat. I've had it for 6 years, it has less than 52,000 miles on it. When we took it in for a recall a few weeks ago, they did a check on the entire vehicle, the total cost of repairs to various belts, fluids and general shit totaled around $1600.
Clearly getting him off our hands was a good thing with all of the above, and you really cannot fit a car seat in that thing and be comfortable. But I still loved him so dang much you would have thought my husband had died the way I cried over him. In his earlier days, he and I had adventures together. Got picked up by random dudes at the gas station, drove way too fast on the freeway and never got caught, he growled when you revved his engine and I loved it! I had a car that made me feel alive, feisty and way hot. He was my status symbol, he made me feel kinda like one of the guys, an appreciator of fine auto, made me feel better than most chicks driving around in their Civic's and Toyota's.
 |
| *sniff* Us on a night out in town *sniff* :( ... |
But now, we need something way more practical. Something way more reliable, and something way more accommodating to our family (i.e. a four door) so he had to go. It was the best option for us both. Someone will take way better care of him than me, someone else will love him, and feel like hot shit in him. And we will go on in our new family car with better gas mileage. But I will always remember my first Mustang...
and I am looking forward to the day I can get my hands on my next muscle car...
 |
| you will be mine, oh yes, you will be mine! |
Maximus 2006-2011
fare thee well my beloved...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The ace in the hole
Abut a month ago I set out on this not so impossible task. To lose 30 lbs by my 30th birthday. I figured 10 lbs a month, that's reasonable? What I didn't plan on was how difficult it would be. How my dead-on-arrival metabolism would make it very difficult to lose weight even when burning max calories and following a low cal diet plan. True I don't restrict myself, a diet with restrictions will only cause me to fail, but I am limiting myself. I was able to quickly lose 8 lbs in about 2 weeks, but after a few events (my sister's b-day and a week of inactivity due to illness) caused me to gain 4 back. My body won't even let me have a little wiggle room. So not fair.
Since then I've been battling back, lost 2 of the 4 I gained for a total of 6 lbs this (not quite) month. Trying to re-gain my motivation to work out while working an erratic schedule at the hospital and preparing for and arranging a move has been rough, no lie. The time that I actually have at home I feel that I have so much to do and so little time to do it! What's a fat girl to do?!
I have been unsuccessful time and time again with getting over this initial hump. It is my Achilles's heel. Always losing and gaining back the same 10lbs over and over for the past 3 years, and even before that, always the same 10-15 lbs over and over.
Instead of looking at another attempt that has ended in failure I looked into other options. Starving myself is not going to work, because hello? I love food! Working out 6 hours a day not feesable when I am the bread winner in this family. Seriously hate throwing up, so bulimia is out. Surgery is cheating, and there is no magic pill that will allow you to eat whatever you want and not work out and lose weight anyhow. But I think I found an ace in the hole. I'm trying something new, I found something that I think is really going to help (not cure, not fix, not do the work for me mind you...help). It's not entirely one of those quick fix things, it's going to require a shit ton of effort and self control on my behalf. But it's a six week program that promises results or...wait for it...your money back guaranteed!! Trust me, I'm super skeptical already.
I won't go into details about it here until I know that it is going to work. And if it does? I promise I will share this info with you. Because we could all use an ace in the hole every now and then right?
Since then I've been battling back, lost 2 of the 4 I gained for a total of 6 lbs this (not quite) month. Trying to re-gain my motivation to work out while working an erratic schedule at the hospital and preparing for and arranging a move has been rough, no lie. The time that I actually have at home I feel that I have so much to do and so little time to do it! What's a fat girl to do?!
I have been unsuccessful time and time again with getting over this initial hump. It is my Achilles's heel. Always losing and gaining back the same 10lbs over and over for the past 3 years, and even before that, always the same 10-15 lbs over and over.
Instead of looking at another attempt that has ended in failure I looked into other options. Starving myself is not going to work, because hello? I love food! Working out 6 hours a day not feesable when I am the bread winner in this family. Seriously hate throwing up, so bulimia is out. Surgery is cheating, and there is no magic pill that will allow you to eat whatever you want and not work out and lose weight anyhow. But I think I found an ace in the hole. I'm trying something new, I found something that I think is really going to help (not cure, not fix, not do the work for me mind you...help). It's not entirely one of those quick fix things, it's going to require a shit ton of effort and self control on my behalf. But it's a six week program that promises results or...wait for it...your money back guaranteed!! Trust me, I'm super skeptical already.
I won't go into details about it here until I know that it is going to work. And if it does? I promise I will share this info with you. Because we could all use an ace in the hole every now and then right?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
On why I'll never be a kept woman.
My only ambition in life is to be a "kept" woman. To stay at home with the kids, have dinner on the table for my family when my husband gets home from work (ok, so I just set women back about 50 years, but dammit it's my right to want to be a housewife!), care for my children, ect... I mean I pretty much already do all of this, I just have to work in between. And that part sucks. While I'm whiling away at work, listening to patients complain about their health, about why they have to have so much blood drawn, about the hospital food, and such, my mind is busy thinking of the many things that needed to be done around the house today and that after my 12 hour shift I will not have the energy to get that stuff done. Oh the woe's of my life.
I had a taste of the housewife lifestyle. I was lucky enough to have been able to stay at home the entire first year of my son's life. At first I thought I would go crazy, being the girl who once worked two jobs and went to school full time just to keep myself occupied, but indeed I settled comfortably into the housewife role. I busied about my home everyday, (being anal and having OCD surely helped with this) and had time to attend to any errands such as the post office and grocery store all at my leisure. It was a taste of something good, and I have been craving it ever since.
But fate would have other plans. My husband lost his great job with awesome government benefits, and we had an infant to care for. So this super mom sprung to action, doing whatever it took to care for her family. And since then I have been like the female lion, caring for and supporting my family. Going out and putting in long hours hunting, bringing the latest kill home for the cub and the lazy male lion to enjoy. (Am I resentful much?) But this is what needed to be done. My parents did not raise me to be helpless, nor to ever depend on others to care for me. And now the lazy male lion is in school, almost done with his AA, but that doesn't mean this lioness gets a reprieve. No, because I want what every mom wants, and that is the best opportunity for her children.
Having dabbled in the world of education I have seen how downhill public schools have gone, how simple values have been lost, how the government brushes education under the rug and cuts from that budget constantly. My youngest brother-in-law is a product of private education, the kid is a genius, excellent grades in school, and a full ride to Notre Dame, along with his girlfriend and two of his friends. Now how often does that happen? You get to go to an Ivy league college, far away with three people you've known since grade school? Freaking sweet. In society today, education is kind of "you get what you pay for". Now, please don't misinterpret, I and several of my wonderful friends, are all products of public education, and my sister is a teacher at our Alma Mater. But I want what's best for my son, meaning, Ivy league colleges in the future (should that be his choice) just like my parents wanted my life to be better than theirs by offering me the best of what they could.
Now, my working to put the kiddo's through private school isn't the only reason I'll never be a kept woman. I have taste, and I like the nicer things in life. Try as I may to be humble, I am a princess. I have an eye for quality. My mother taught us to be thrifty, to look at the price per ounce of things, for what would be the better bargain, and I am a damn thrifty shopper, but I buy name brand when I know the quality and taste is better. I like expensive restaurants, rarely eat fast food (if we eat out, it better be at a sit down) and love entertainment such as going to see off-Broadway shows, vacations, and museums, things that enrich the mind and bring culture to a dry palate. I'm not even sure where any of this came from seeing as my parents are both pretty humble.
All of these things would be possible, with limits if we were a single income family. My husband's BA in computer networking will be able to afford us nice things. But I also want the comfort of having a little extra, and that means somethings must be sacrificed in the name of good living. My freedom of domestic bliss. Sure in a couple months I'll get a taste of that freedom again, but it will come with a heavy price, and it won't last long. I must admit that I am a bit jealous of all of you who can stay at home! So maybe someone should just discover my clever writing and pay me to stay at home and write a book or something...That way I can have the best of both worlds?
Hey, a girl can dream right?
I had a taste of the housewife lifestyle. I was lucky enough to have been able to stay at home the entire first year of my son's life. At first I thought I would go crazy, being the girl who once worked two jobs and went to school full time just to keep myself occupied, but indeed I settled comfortably into the housewife role. I busied about my home everyday, (being anal and having OCD surely helped with this) and had time to attend to any errands such as the post office and grocery store all at my leisure. It was a taste of something good, and I have been craving it ever since.
But fate would have other plans. My husband lost his great job with awesome government benefits, and we had an infant to care for. So this super mom sprung to action, doing whatever it took to care for her family. And since then I have been like the female lion, caring for and supporting my family. Going out and putting in long hours hunting, bringing the latest kill home for the cub and the lazy male lion to enjoy. (Am I resentful much?) But this is what needed to be done. My parents did not raise me to be helpless, nor to ever depend on others to care for me. And now the lazy male lion is in school, almost done with his AA, but that doesn't mean this lioness gets a reprieve. No, because I want what every mom wants, and that is the best opportunity for her children.
Having dabbled in the world of education I have seen how downhill public schools have gone, how simple values have been lost, how the government brushes education under the rug and cuts from that budget constantly. My youngest brother-in-law is a product of private education, the kid is a genius, excellent grades in school, and a full ride to Notre Dame, along with his girlfriend and two of his friends. Now how often does that happen? You get to go to an Ivy league college, far away with three people you've known since grade school? Freaking sweet. In society today, education is kind of "you get what you pay for". Now, please don't misinterpret, I and several of my wonderful friends, are all products of public education, and my sister is a teacher at our Alma Mater. But I want what's best for my son, meaning, Ivy league colleges in the future (should that be his choice) just like my parents wanted my life to be better than theirs by offering me the best of what they could.
Now, my working to put the kiddo's through private school isn't the only reason I'll never be a kept woman. I have taste, and I like the nicer things in life. Try as I may to be humble, I am a princess. I have an eye for quality. My mother taught us to be thrifty, to look at the price per ounce of things, for what would be the better bargain, and I am a damn thrifty shopper, but I buy name brand when I know the quality and taste is better. I like expensive restaurants, rarely eat fast food (if we eat out, it better be at a sit down) and love entertainment such as going to see off-Broadway shows, vacations, and museums, things that enrich the mind and bring culture to a dry palate. I'm not even sure where any of this came from seeing as my parents are both pretty humble.
All of these things would be possible, with limits if we were a single income family. My husband's BA in computer networking will be able to afford us nice things. But I also want the comfort of having a little extra, and that means somethings must be sacrificed in the name of good living. My freedom of domestic bliss. Sure in a couple months I'll get a taste of that freedom again, but it will come with a heavy price, and it won't last long. I must admit that I am a bit jealous of all of you who can stay at home! So maybe someone should just discover my clever writing and pay me to stay at home and write a book or something...That way I can have the best of both worlds?
Hey, a girl can dream right?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wanderlust
We are moving. Again. This will be my 16th move in my 30 years of life. The majority of those moves have been in the past 6 years.
I cannot stay still. I'm like those people you see that are always moving their bodies, only I have to re-locate my life. My soul is never content on staying in one place, so once the wind starts blowing my way I look on to what's next for me, or more recently, us.
I am certian I know when it started. You see, in high school I dated a boy who's family would always go on the awesome vacations, and during the almost two years we dated I go to tag along. I went places that were breath taking an awe inspiring to me. Thus a love of travel blossomed after our puppy love died out. My family never really vacationed. We went on endless trips to Disneyland, and we still do, and one trip up the coast of Cali when we were all older. Not sure why.
I started traveling when I was in 18. I lived in Montana for a month, drank up the big sky country with arms open, but the timing in my life was wrong and I didn't get as much out of the experience as I should have. (This was right after the puppy love ended mind you.) Then it was New York city. I was so far away from home, and it was so new and exciting to me. I wanted to move out there as soon as I got home. Then I went on my first cruise to Baja.
After this I started moving, no where really exciting, out of my parents house at 19, out of Cali at 24. But nothing ever feels right. No matter how many times I move after a while, I start to get that itch. I've always wanted more, not to be one who settles in one spot until they die, I feel the need to see, taste, and touch everything life has to offer. I feel like I'm missing something, like I haven't found my "home" yet.
Luckily, my husband is patient. He knows it will probably be a very long time until he gets to buy a house, we tried once, but my fear of commitment ultimately got in the way. I just want to feel like I can go whenever we want, once a lease is up we can change things, be they across town or to a new state. He reluctantly has agreed to move to Oregon, (Possibly that is, part of why we are taking a big va-cay there this summer, a scouting trip I call it) and has even pacified my wanderlust at times by promising to retire in a foreign country one day. Truth is, my husband has seen and experienced things he never imagined with me as his wife. I think he kind of likes my spontaneity, it gives him something he never had. Before me he had hardly been out of the state of California, now he's spent 2 years of his life experiencing Nevada, and he's also sunned on the beaches of Hawaii, and will soon parade the streets of PDX and SFC. And my son, will be the most well traveled kid around, he will be like the ex boy-friend of mine. Winters in Hawaii, summers in Europe, trips here and there. He will have what I've dreamed and longed for, stamps on his passport.
I may never feel satisfied. I told my husband I'll settle eventually, but I'll need to travel. My soul is just too restless. The world is a big place, with many corners to explore and I want to see them all. But for now we go back to safety, back to our roots, back to the only place that's felt close to "home", until that darned wind starts to blow again...
I cannot stay still. I'm like those people you see that are always moving their bodies, only I have to re-locate my life. My soul is never content on staying in one place, so once the wind starts blowing my way I look on to what's next for me, or more recently, us.
I am certian I know when it started. You see, in high school I dated a boy who's family would always go on the awesome vacations, and during the almost two years we dated I go to tag along. I went places that were breath taking an awe inspiring to me. Thus a love of travel blossomed after our puppy love died out. My family never really vacationed. We went on endless trips to Disneyland, and we still do, and one trip up the coast of Cali when we were all older. Not sure why.
I started traveling when I was in 18. I lived in Montana for a month, drank up the big sky country with arms open, but the timing in my life was wrong and I didn't get as much out of the experience as I should have. (This was right after the puppy love ended mind you.) Then it was New York city. I was so far away from home, and it was so new and exciting to me. I wanted to move out there as soon as I got home. Then I went on my first cruise to Baja.
After this I started moving, no where really exciting, out of my parents house at 19, out of Cali at 24. But nothing ever feels right. No matter how many times I move after a while, I start to get that itch. I've always wanted more, not to be one who settles in one spot until they die, I feel the need to see, taste, and touch everything life has to offer. I feel like I'm missing something, like I haven't found my "home" yet.
Luckily, my husband is patient. He knows it will probably be a very long time until he gets to buy a house, we tried once, but my fear of commitment ultimately got in the way. I just want to feel like I can go whenever we want, once a lease is up we can change things, be they across town or to a new state. He reluctantly has agreed to move to Oregon, (Possibly that is, part of why we are taking a big va-cay there this summer, a scouting trip I call it) and has even pacified my wanderlust at times by promising to retire in a foreign country one day. Truth is, my husband has seen and experienced things he never imagined with me as his wife. I think he kind of likes my spontaneity, it gives him something he never had. Before me he had hardly been out of the state of California, now he's spent 2 years of his life experiencing Nevada, and he's also sunned on the beaches of Hawaii, and will soon parade the streets of PDX and SFC. And my son, will be the most well traveled kid around, he will be like the ex boy-friend of mine. Winters in Hawaii, summers in Europe, trips here and there. He will have what I've dreamed and longed for, stamps on his passport.
I may never feel satisfied. I told my husband I'll settle eventually, but I'll need to travel. My soul is just too restless. The world is a big place, with many corners to explore and I want to see them all. But for now we go back to safety, back to our roots, back to the only place that's felt close to "home", until that darned wind starts to blow again...
Friday, January 21, 2011
Fat Chick Friday: 30 by 30
I'm doing the happy in my pants dance right now. I just jumped on the scale and I have lost another 4 lbs this week! I'm down 8 lbs in two weeks! Which really isn't that hard when you're fat anyway, (hello, have you seen how much weight they lose on Biggest Loser?) but dammit I'm stoked since I put in about 75% of my effort. Kind of makes me want to put in like 90% next week. Maybe that's why I'm dragging my husband to *try* a spin class with me today. (GULP) I'm too scared to go alone and have coerced him with ten different favors to come along and be my moral support, or to carry my broken ass back to the car after...
But I haven't told you guys about 30 by 30!
Feeling quite bad about how slothful and gluttonous I had been the first twelve days of the new year I sat in bed on Jan 12th thinking this madness has got to stop. I had an epiphany that night, 4 days after the calender's epiphany. I can and should be losing 10 lbs a month. I should be...wait, today is the 12th of January, in EXACTLY 90 days, on April 12th, I will turn 30...OH MY GOSH! I can lose 30 lbs by my 30th birthday!! Thus the next day began the 30 by 30 program.
They say in weight loss you need to set small, easily accomplish-able goals for yourself so that each small victory encourages you to finish the next one. If you make a goal of wanting to lose 90 lbs, it becomes daunting, but breaking it up into smaller goals makes it more realistic, more achievable. So this has become my project.
I'm eating less, but not depriving myself, because this momma loves the food, and depravity only leads to binging, and Lord knows I've already been down that road! I am also forcing my ass to hit the gym, I mean, one of my new year's goals was to run a half marathon this year, so I should be training right? Run, Fat girl, RUN!
Now I know some of you faithful readers are thinking, isn't she also trying to get pregnant? Well, yes I am , and no I'm not? We are still trying but not with the fury we had before. If I get pregnant before I've lost the 30, then I will just keep maintaining these new-found healthy habits, not eating McDonald's meals 3 times a day, and working my pregnanty-ass out. I am ok with waiting, I've gotten over all the issues I had with having kids into my 30's (hell, I see women ALL THE TIME at work who are having kids well into their 30's and it's ok, nothing says I have to be super young to have kids!) and I've come to accept that my body doesn't work the way it did when I was 26, I've put her through some crap in the last 4 years! And it my thus, take longer to get knocked up. And E? He will be just fine being 3 or even 4 years older than his sibling, at least he will have them, and he and his cousins are thisclose in age, they will be pals forever!
So let's pray (please, oh please, oh please Lord) that I keep up the good work, the motivation and the will power! Oh and pray that I survive spin today! Yikes!
But I haven't told you guys about 30 by 30!
Feeling quite bad about how slothful and gluttonous I had been the first twelve days of the new year I sat in bed on Jan 12th thinking this madness has got to stop. I had an epiphany that night, 4 days after the calender's epiphany. I can and should be losing 10 lbs a month. I should be...wait, today is the 12th of January, in EXACTLY 90 days, on April 12th, I will turn 30...OH MY GOSH! I can lose 30 lbs by my 30th birthday!! Thus the next day began the 30 by 30 program.
They say in weight loss you need to set small, easily accomplish-able goals for yourself so that each small victory encourages you to finish the next one. If you make a goal of wanting to lose 90 lbs, it becomes daunting, but breaking it up into smaller goals makes it more realistic, more achievable. So this has become my project.
I'm eating less, but not depriving myself, because this momma loves the food, and depravity only leads to binging, and Lord knows I've already been down that road! I am also forcing my ass to hit the gym, I mean, one of my new year's goals was to run a half marathon this year, so I should be training right? Run, Fat girl, RUN!
Now I know some of you faithful readers are thinking, isn't she also trying to get pregnant? Well, yes I am , and no I'm not? We are still trying but not with the fury we had before. If I get pregnant before I've lost the 30, then I will just keep maintaining these new-found healthy habits, not eating McDonald's meals 3 times a day, and working my pregnanty-ass out. I am ok with waiting, I've gotten over all the issues I had with having kids into my 30's (hell, I see women ALL THE TIME at work who are having kids well into their 30's and it's ok, nothing says I have to be super young to have kids!) and I've come to accept that my body doesn't work the way it did when I was 26, I've put her through some crap in the last 4 years! And it my thus, take longer to get knocked up. And E? He will be just fine being 3 or even 4 years older than his sibling, at least he will have them, and he and his cousins are thisclose in age, they will be pals forever!
So let's pray (please, oh please, oh please Lord) that I keep up the good work, the motivation and the will power! Oh and pray that I survive spin today! Yikes!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Uncertainty
Last night I stayed up later than usual, engulfed in an incredible book, (more on which I will disclose as soon as I'm finished.) As soon as I finished my reading, I began to feel sad. Sad that our attempt at procreation #4 was again unsuccessful, sad that for whatever reason, we were struggling with something that had come so easily to us the first time. Then I began to feel selfish. I have the most adorable, beautiful, wonderful little boy, who lay fast alseep just down the hall from me. In that moment I felt like our attempts to bring another child into the world were selfish ( a stupid feeling, I know) and wrong. But at the same time, it feels like we are still missing a big part of our little family.
Is it fair to disrupt the wonderful thing that we have going on here? Will E feel less loved if we have another child? Will I love the other child less because I sure feel like my heart doesn't have a lot of room left after loving him so dearly? But it's not the right now that I foresee, it's years down the road. Looking at him and his siblings huddled close together after the loss of one of his parents. Surely I can't leave him in this world alone? He has his two cousins, but the relationship between them will never be the same as the bond between siblings. I look to my own as an example. It wasn't necessarily easy when we were younger, but now, I couldn't imagine my life without them.
I think that trying to have another child brings up so many questions I never anticipated before, and I also wonder if my feelings are normal I guess. Did others go through with this when they expanded their families? Perhaps it's simply because I'm just emotional at the infertility issues we seem to be having. Every month that passes without success just brings me closer to believing maybe we aren't supposed to be having more children. And while the thought of having another child seems a bit selfish to me now, in the long run it seems unfair to Ethan to not have anymore children. I know in my heart that I want more. I always have. I just never expected all of the emotions that came with it.
Am I alone in this?
Is it fair to disrupt the wonderful thing that we have going on here? Will E feel less loved if we have another child? Will I love the other child less because I sure feel like my heart doesn't have a lot of room left after loving him so dearly? But it's not the right now that I foresee, it's years down the road. Looking at him and his siblings huddled close together after the loss of one of his parents. Surely I can't leave him in this world alone? He has his two cousins, but the relationship between them will never be the same as the bond between siblings. I look to my own as an example. It wasn't necessarily easy when we were younger, but now, I couldn't imagine my life without them.
I think that trying to have another child brings up so many questions I never anticipated before, and I also wonder if my feelings are normal I guess. Did others go through with this when they expanded their families? Perhaps it's simply because I'm just emotional at the infertility issues we seem to be having. Every month that passes without success just brings me closer to believing maybe we aren't supposed to be having more children. And while the thought of having another child seems a bit selfish to me now, in the long run it seems unfair to Ethan to not have anymore children. I know in my heart that I want more. I always have. I just never expected all of the emotions that came with it.
Am I alone in this?
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