I'd love to tell you all that I feel so much better than I did last week, but I'd be a lying to you. Still feeling crappy, but adding acid reflux and sporadic sciatic pain to the mix as well, but only a few nights this week, so I am really thrilled to see what the next few weeks of first trimester hell brings me.
Instead of telling tales of pregnancy woes here this week I am going to tell you the top ten reasons I think we are having a girl.
10. The Shettles method (look it up). We have been following this one for most of the time we have been trying to conceive so that is probably one of the reasons it took us 11 months to get knocked up. It's a science, yo! And the timing is hard as hell!
9. A friend of mine knows a lady that swears that if you lay on your left side post coitus, you will conceive a girl. Her success rates include two of my close friends who have tried this and have indeed had or are having a girl. I made it a rule to always lay on the left side, P.C., with my ass propped up on a pillow.
8. I am moody as hell. I have cried everyday since I was about 6 weeks along, which means there is a ton of estrogen floating around this beast. Heaven help anyone who upsets me, because I am also capable of causing severe PMS like tantrums and fits at the drop of a hat. I credit this to having two vagina's.
7. We have a girl name chosen. But we cannot decide on a possible boy name. Because we won't need one, I'm sure. (I'm not disclosing anytime soon so don't ask :) )
6. This pregnancy is my last pregnancy, so therefore it MUST be a girl so that I will NOT be compelled or tempted to put my body through this torture ever, ever, ever again.
5. This pregnancy is also so much worse than my last pregnancy. Sick all damned day, can't eat or drink anything, (as apposed to eating like a teenage boy during a growth spurt my last go.) too tired to get out of bed or shower or brush my teeth until 3pm. It's so a girl.
4. My son and husband both fall under the same star sign, Pieces. This kiddo is due in April, and will fall under the same star sign as me, Aries, thought this could be bad, knowing me...
3. My husband was a huge jerk when I was pregnant with my son. H U G E! This time, he's as sweet as pie, and as tame as a kitten with no claws. I'm convinced it's because his daughter already has him wrapped around her not quite fully formed finger. I'm not complaining about this at all....yet...
2. I just really feel like this is a girl. With Eth, I wanted him to be a girl, but I don't think I felt that he was a girl. I really feel it this time, plus, with all the other shit I mentioned above, I mean, I'd be flabbergasted if it turned out to be another boy.
1. April 22nd is my due date. Since I am a repeat C-section, I won't go to term, usually 38 weeks if all goes well. 38.5 weeks would be April 11th, a Wednesday, when most docs do c-sections so mom's will be out by Saturday. My mom's birthday is April 10th, my birthday is April 12th. How awesome would it be to have 3 generations of us born the 10th, 11th,and 12th? It's just not as cool if it's a boy, so therefore, she's a girl.
Of course, it is a long way off until we find out what the sex really is. But I'm pretty sure I already know.
Will I be bummed if it is a boy? Ya, for a minute, then I'll remember how much fun my boy is and how I'll be the only girl surrounded by men, and that will be totally cool with me. Plus I have friends and family with little girls to spoil at my disposal.
Until next week! If this child doesn't kill me first!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
8 weeks: let's talk misery
I'm sure some of you are sick of my facebook posts about how much I suck at being pregnant, so I am going to *try* to keep all my pregnancy woe's reserved for the blogosphere.
I am the worst pregnant person out there. I hate feeling miserable, sick, tired, weepy, sick and bloated. Hate it. So much so that I have decided that this pregnancy will be my last, no matter the outcome. (So please keep your fingers crossed that all goes well so my son won't have to be an only child.)
I remember feeling sick and very tired with Ethan. My nausea was pretty bad at certain times of the day, mostly the afternoons, but this baby has re-defined the meaning of pregnancy nausea. It is not only reserved for the morning, but usually occurs all day long, worsening sometimes early in the morning (like 4 am) or worsening in the evenings (like 5 pm,when my husband leaves or work). There's really no relief at all either, I feel fluish all day, all week. It's fun! No, that's not even funny to joke about! There are hot and cold flashes and often body aches as well, so, most days I feel like I'm going to die.
The worst part thus far has to go to week 7, when I ended up at an impasse and in the er. I have never, ever been in more pain in my entire life. I am sure the screaming I was doing in the bathroom was frightening all of the patrons. This didn't happen at all my first time round the block, so the experience was new, and frightening and horrifying all at once and I am currently taking a battery of products to, er, keep things moving. Imagine passing something the size of a large naval orange out of something the size of a quarter, with no drugs or assistance what-so-ever! I'll never be the same again. (shudders) The one and only good thing I got from this adventure was seeing my baby. Imagine my relief when the ultrasound tech turned the screen and showed my the little bean, heart pumping away, all tiny and strong deep in my tummy. I didn't need any pain medicine after that, the feeling I felt was so euphoric. Such a relief after the last time I sat in the same exact room, looking for our baby, to make sure there was still a baby in there only to find an empty uterus.
That being said, I may bitch and whine and complain everyday about how miserable I am right now, but rest assured that every second I feel crappy is a reassurance that everything is going well, baby is still fighting away, growing and living. Every time I feel horrible it is a sign that someone else is doing well. It's my baby telling me, hey, mom, I'm still here, growing bigger every day. And that even though this little one is so grounded the second she (or he) comes out, we will be relieved that our long battle with infertility, nausea, and all the other crap that comes with this is finally over and our family will be complete.
I am the worst pregnant person out there. I hate feeling miserable, sick, tired, weepy, sick and bloated. Hate it. So much so that I have decided that this pregnancy will be my last, no matter the outcome. (So please keep your fingers crossed that all goes well so my son won't have to be an only child.)
I remember feeling sick and very tired with Ethan. My nausea was pretty bad at certain times of the day, mostly the afternoons, but this baby has re-defined the meaning of pregnancy nausea. It is not only reserved for the morning, but usually occurs all day long, worsening sometimes early in the morning (like 4 am) or worsening in the evenings (like 5 pm,when my husband leaves or work). There's really no relief at all either, I feel fluish all day, all week. It's fun! No, that's not even funny to joke about! There are hot and cold flashes and often body aches as well, so, most days I feel like I'm going to die.
The worst part thus far has to go to week 7, when I ended up at an impasse and in the er. I have never, ever been in more pain in my entire life. I am sure the screaming I was doing in the bathroom was frightening all of the patrons. This didn't happen at all my first time round the block, so the experience was new, and frightening and horrifying all at once and I am currently taking a battery of products to, er, keep things moving. Imagine passing something the size of a large naval orange out of something the size of a quarter, with no drugs or assistance what-so-ever! I'll never be the same again. (shudders) The one and only good thing I got from this adventure was seeing my baby. Imagine my relief when the ultrasound tech turned the screen and showed my the little bean, heart pumping away, all tiny and strong deep in my tummy. I didn't need any pain medicine after that, the feeling I felt was so euphoric. Such a relief after the last time I sat in the same exact room, looking for our baby, to make sure there was still a baby in there only to find an empty uterus.
That being said, I may bitch and whine and complain everyday about how miserable I am right now, but rest assured that every second I feel crappy is a reassurance that everything is going well, baby is still fighting away, growing and living. Every time I feel horrible it is a sign that someone else is doing well. It's my baby telling me, hey, mom, I'm still here, growing bigger every day. And that even though this little one is so grounded the second she (or he) comes out, we will be relieved that our long battle with infertility, nausea, and all the other crap that comes with this is finally over and our family will be complete.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I'm happy, right?
It's hard to get excited when the last time you found out you were pregnant the whole thing went up in smoke. It shouldn't be, I mean, I should be happy, excited, elated, relieved, but there's a part of me that can't get too attached. At least not yet.
My doctor has told me that it is pretty uncommon for you to have two back to back miscarriages, but it still weighs heavily on your mind.
It is very early still. Just shy of 5 weeks, which is coincidentally the same time I started the process of losing the last baby, so imagine if you will, how frightened I feel. My symptoms so far are pretty mild, I am mostly moody, a teensy bit nauseated like, every other day, and a little tired every now and then. Much different from the last time where I was feeling sick and very tired right away, so this must be good right? Well, I hope at least!
Overall, I guess I really, really want to believe that everything is going to be fine. I'll feel better after we make it to 7 weeks, but the feeling will never go away. I could still miscarry at 9, 13, or 20 weeks. Or worse.
Keep your fingers crossed, and send out a big "Stay put baby!" for me will ya?
My doctor has told me that it is pretty uncommon for you to have two back to back miscarriages, but it still weighs heavily on your mind.
It is very early still. Just shy of 5 weeks, which is coincidentally the same time I started the process of losing the last baby, so imagine if you will, how frightened I feel. My symptoms so far are pretty mild, I am mostly moody, a teensy bit nauseated like, every other day, and a little tired every now and then. Much different from the last time where I was feeling sick and very tired right away, so this must be good right? Well, I hope at least!
Overall, I guess I really, really want to believe that everything is going to be fine. I'll feel better after we make it to 7 weeks, but the feeling will never go away. I could still miscarry at 9, 13, or 20 weeks. Or worse.
Keep your fingers crossed, and send out a big "Stay put baby!" for me will ya?
Monday, August 8, 2011
PMS, I loath thee....
I hate PMS. No, really, I hear you girls out there who are silently agreeing with me. The cravings, the bloating, the acne. But this hatred, for me, it goes way deeper than that. Each time I get so much as a pimple I know what's coming. It's not just Aunt Flo for me kids. It's a sign of defeat. Again. It's mother nature giving me the middle finger. The "take that beotch", rub-it-in-my-face kind of attitude my life keeps handing me left and right. Because ultimately, it's another failed attempt to have another baby.
I told myself that I wasn't going to do this, get all bitchy and stuff, after the miscarriage heard round the world, but I blame those evil hormones that come with the teenage acne I'm experiencing at the moment and I am pissed as hell. Because the last two and a half months of my life have been more fucked up than any one person can possible imagine and I was just hoping with all hope that maybe, just maybe, on some karmic level, all the B.S we have endured as a family, could possibly be painted with a tiny silver lining.
Fuck you PMS, and the horse you rode in on...
blah, blah, ya sure, don't stress about it and whatnot feel good crap y'all are thinking. Save it for a couple weeks and tell me then. Mmmmkay?
With love BITTER Betty.
I told myself that I wasn't going to do this, get all bitchy and stuff, after the miscarriage heard round the world, but I blame those evil hormones that come with the teenage acne I'm experiencing at the moment and I am pissed as hell. Because the last two and a half months of my life have been more fucked up than any one person can possible imagine and I was just hoping with all hope that maybe, just maybe, on some karmic level, all the B.S we have endured as a family, could possibly be painted with a tiny silver lining.
Fuck you PMS, and the horse you rode in on...
blah, blah, ya sure, don't stress about it and whatnot feel good crap y'all are thinking. Save it for a couple weeks and tell me then. Mmmmkay?
With love BITTER Betty.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tales of a former dancer part 3
My husband loves to watch So You Think You Can Dance. Once apon a time, I did too. Before I retired from my life as a dancer, I had ambitions. Lots of them. I was dancing at UNLV, finally getting to a place in my dancing where I felt I was ready to put myself out there in the real world, and Las Vegas has lots of opportunities for dancers with talent ranging from mediocre to advanced. The plan was to finish my degree, with a minor in dance. Because really? Who majors in Dance anyhow? And to audition like crazy. I also wanted to give SYTYCD a go as well. Now, by no means did I ever think I was good enough to make it to the top 20, but I did think I might have made it past the choreography round. Maybe. I felt it would have just been an amazing experience, and a chance to dance with Mia Michaels? I'd cut off my feet for that (but then I wouldn't be able to dance...I didn't think it through very much I guess.) But life had other plans for my dancing career.
In my second year at UNLV, I managed to get into an upper division ballet class. And it was hard yo. And I've done point (and kind of sucked at it I may add) But it was a perfect challenge for me, dancing with girls who had been doing this since they could walk was a great push for me to work all that much harder. I had less than half the years of experience they did, but I shined like a new penny. Then two things happened that ended my career. About a third into the semester, I tore the heck out of my hamstring, and you don't ballet with a torn hamstring. But at the time, it wasn't such a big deal to me because I had just gotten engaged during the summer and was planning on bailing out on Vegas anyhow. So long hopes and dreams! People do dumb things when they are in love. So I dropped my beloved ballet class. And most of my other classes as well and moved to California in December. And lived happily ever after, for the most part.
But I stopped watching that show. Because there's this part of me that still wonders what might have been if I had gone ahead and stayed. Had I not injured myself, had I been more focused and less in a love induced fog. And it makes me miss dancing something fierce. Movement stirs within my soul and it always will. I can hear the tune of the city streets and I'll want to burst out dancing. Dancing is that one thing for me that I am good at and that one thing that I would love to do forever, but now I'm too old, too fat and too scared to go back to that world, so I shut it out. Box up those memories and shoes and save them for a rainy day. Or for a little girl who may just share her mommy's passion for dance.
But my husband, he loves that damn show. He's starting to develop an eye for talent. Some dance culture if you will. But the only time he'll ever see his wife dance is in old videos of recitals from years ago.
I'll probably never dance again.
But who knows. I have been thinking really hard about making a come back...
In my second year at UNLV, I managed to get into an upper division ballet class. And it was hard yo. And I've done point (and kind of sucked at it I may add) But it was a perfect challenge for me, dancing with girls who had been doing this since they could walk was a great push for me to work all that much harder. I had less than half the years of experience they did, but I shined like a new penny. Then two things happened that ended my career. About a third into the semester, I tore the heck out of my hamstring, and you don't ballet with a torn hamstring. But at the time, it wasn't such a big deal to me because I had just gotten engaged during the summer and was planning on bailing out on Vegas anyhow. So long hopes and dreams! People do dumb things when they are in love. So I dropped my beloved ballet class. And most of my other classes as well and moved to California in December. And lived happily ever after, for the most part.
But I stopped watching that show. Because there's this part of me that still wonders what might have been if I had gone ahead and stayed. Had I not injured myself, had I been more focused and less in a love induced fog. And it makes me miss dancing something fierce. Movement stirs within my soul and it always will. I can hear the tune of the city streets and I'll want to burst out dancing. Dancing is that one thing for me that I am good at and that one thing that I would love to do forever, but now I'm too old, too fat and too scared to go back to that world, so I shut it out. Box up those memories and shoes and save them for a rainy day. Or for a little girl who may just share her mommy's passion for dance.
But my husband, he loves that damn show. He's starting to develop an eye for talent. Some dance culture if you will. But the only time he'll ever see his wife dance is in old videos of recitals from years ago.
I'll probably never dance again.
But who knows. I have been thinking really hard about making a come back...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
To another year
So kids it's my four year anniversary with my wonderful hubby. And this year, instead of me writing some sappy blog about our relationship and it's ups and downs like I did last year, this year I'm going straight to the bull. The "king" (insert eye roll), my champion. That's right, I'm interviewing my hub. Let's get a little male perspective here. (He is pretty much playing Wii bowling as I'm interviewing him)
So what did you think when you first saw me that fateful day in the Olive Garden?
Are you serious? That question again? Honestly , I didn't really notice you because you didn't make yourself known.
Bull shit, I did so. You don't remember what I said to you?
I don't remember.
YOU DON'T?!?
No that was 10 years ago.
You're such a man. Next question then, when you DID first notice me, what did you think?
Very nice (said like Borat) You were a nice piece of meat, only 20.
When did you know I was the one?
Back in 0.......probably about a year after you moved to Vegas.
Wow, you're really slaying them babe. The night before our wedding were you anxious, nervous, scared?
Kind of all of the above. Scared because I was getting married, anxious because I was marrying you, pre-wedding jitters I guess. Then your brother and Dennis and Aaron and Ashley took me in the bathroom and gave me shots.
No they didn't....
Yes they did! They took me in there and told me congrats and helped me relax.
I seriously didn't know that until right now.
I told you that!
No you didn't. I remember everything, duh...In a church, shame on you...Anyhow...You still cried like a beeotch, do you remember why?
I don't know...Cuz I saw you.
So I looked hot?
I wouldn't say that....
asshole!
Ha, ha, ha...You looked radiant dumb ass, you didn't look hot, hot is for single chicks.
Nice save, butthole. So, soon after we found out we were expecting, did that freak you the heck out like it did me?
Nope. I was cool as a cucumber, because I wanted a family.
Ya, so did I but I was still scared poop-less. Do you love me more than our kid? Just kidding, kind of....
No. I love you each the same, in different ways.
Awww...Muffin. But you should love me best!
What is your favorite memory of us?
There's so many. When you stole the floating things in Hawaii.
They were by the trash, that is not stealing, that's called one man's trash is another's treasure!
And when we go to Disneyland, like that one time it rained and we had to wear ponchos and you were sharing one with me, I think we have a picture of that right? Oh and that one time at band camp...
You crack me up. I love your randomness! What is your favorite thing that I do?
...(long pause)...you're caring? You put up with me?
You're really knocking them dead here baby!
What is your least favorite thing that I do?
Tell me what to do.
Well if you didn't act like a teenager I wouldn't have to.
Ha, ha, ha...it's your way or no way.
Yes, actually it is, after all these years you don't know that?
What are you looking froward to in the future?
A better life with you and our children. Like owning our own home, having no bills.
So what would you want the readers of my blog to know about us?
Every marriage has its ups and downs, but the person that you're with helps you through those downfalls, and that's the type of couple we are.
Word, babe.
Any final thoughts?
I love you, and don't be mad for my answers. You asked me.
Yes I did.
What are your final thoughts?
Don't ever get famous babe, because you kind of suck at interviews!
So that's my husbands blog debut. And probably his last. But we really do adore each other, (as you see from the dumbass's and other loving terms of endearment we use.) Our marriage isn't perfect but it's us 100%. And we wouldn't have it any other way. So salute my lover, here's to another year!
So what did you think when you first saw me that fateful day in the Olive Garden?
Are you serious? That question again? Honestly , I didn't really notice you because you didn't make yourself known.
Bull shit, I did so. You don't remember what I said to you?
I don't remember.
YOU DON'T?!?
No that was 10 years ago.
You're such a man. Next question then, when you DID first notice me, what did you think?
Very nice (said like Borat) You were a nice piece of meat, only 20.
When did you know I was the one?
Back in 0.......probably about a year after you moved to Vegas.
Wow, you're really slaying them babe. The night before our wedding were you anxious, nervous, scared?
Kind of all of the above. Scared because I was getting married, anxious because I was marrying you, pre-wedding jitters I guess. Then your brother and Dennis and Aaron and Ashley took me in the bathroom and gave me shots.
No they didn't....
Yes they did! They took me in there and told me congrats and helped me relax.
I seriously didn't know that until right now.
I told you that!
No you didn't. I remember everything, duh...In a church, shame on you...Anyhow...You still cried like a beeotch, do you remember why?
I don't know...Cuz I saw you.
So I looked hot?
I wouldn't say that....
asshole!
Ha, ha, ha...You looked radiant dumb ass, you didn't look hot, hot is for single chicks.
Nice save, butthole. So, soon after we found out we were expecting, did that freak you the heck out like it did me?
Nope. I was cool as a cucumber, because I wanted a family.
Ya, so did I but I was still scared poop-less. Do you love me more than our kid? Just kidding, kind of....
No. I love you each the same, in different ways.
Awww...Muffin. But you should love me best!
What is your favorite memory of us?
There's so many. When you stole the floating things in Hawaii.
They were by the trash, that is not stealing, that's called one man's trash is another's treasure!
And when we go to Disneyland, like that one time it rained and we had to wear ponchos and you were sharing one with me, I think we have a picture of that right? Oh and that one time at band camp...
You crack me up. I love your randomness! What is your favorite thing that I do?
...(long pause)...you're caring? You put up with me?
You're really knocking them dead here baby!
What is your least favorite thing that I do?
Tell me what to do.
Well if you didn't act like a teenager I wouldn't have to.
Ha, ha, ha...it's your way or no way.
Yes, actually it is, after all these years you don't know that?
What are you looking froward to in the future?
A better life with you and our children. Like owning our own home, having no bills.
So what would you want the readers of my blog to know about us?
Every marriage has its ups and downs, but the person that you're with helps you through those downfalls, and that's the type of couple we are.
Word, babe.
Any final thoughts?
I love you, and don't be mad for my answers. You asked me.
Yes I did.
What are your final thoughts?
Don't ever get famous babe, because you kind of suck at interviews!
So that's my husbands blog debut. And probably his last. But we really do adore each other, (as you see from the dumbass's and other loving terms of endearment we use.) Our marriage isn't perfect but it's us 100%. And we wouldn't have it any other way. So salute my lover, here's to another year!
Friday, June 17, 2011
...The only way to really know, is to really let it go...
I'm not even 100% sure if it's time to post this. It's still so fresh.
Saturday:
Spent the whole day feeling good, better than usual. My appetite came back today, which I thought was weird, but it didn't even cross my mind to worry.
Saturday night I started spotting. I freaked out, cried clutching my stomach saying every prayer I 've ever known, begging, pleading for this to not be happening.
Desperately, I looked to the Internet to see if perhaps, this is normal for five and a half weeks. Several sources said it was.
Sunday:
Still spotting, and now, cramping. Panic has set in. I called a nurse hotline, and was recommended to go to an urgent care. This cannot be happening, our insurance isn't effective until the first of July! How can you do this to me?!
We went to the urgent care, they turned us away because we couldn't pay that day. They sent us to another urgent care. They also turned us away. I sat in the car bawling as my husband tried desperately to console me. I begged the contents of my uterus to stay put, don't leave me! Not now, not when you were the only ray of sunshine in our lives! Why is this happening to us?
We went home, defeated. I told my husband if the bleeding got worse, we would go to the er.
It got worse.
The ER staff looked at me baffled, since I wasn't bleeding to death, they weren't sure why I was there. I had to know. Had to know what was happening to my baby. The baby we worked so hard to conceive. The baby I was so over the moon excited about. My miracle baby.
Blood test showed I was still pregnant, but barley. Ultrasound showed my uterus was empty. The doctor asked if I thought I had bled enough to have lost the baby. I said no. He sent us home with out a definite answer. Follow up with an ob/gyn, take it easy.
How can I take it easy? I'm losing my baby.
Monday:
We call a few area ob/gyn's, the office visit with out insurance is $200. We simply cannot afford it. I call planned parenthood, to see if they could help us once more. The girl I spoke with on the phone was sympathetic and helpful, they couldn't get me an appointment until Wednesday but if I walked in they would be able to see me that day.
Planned parenthood does not have a local office. We had to pack up our family, and rush to another city, 45 minuets away. When we got there, we waited to be seen by the receptionists. When I told them why we were here she said "Well, there's nothing we can do for you here." I tried explaining what the ER doctor said to me. "Well, it takes a few days for the HCG to leave your body, that positive doesn't mean anything."
I've never felt so distraught in my whole life. The whole world did not care that I was losing my baby. This is the worst time possible for this to happen to us. We wasted gas that we didn't have in the first place to come and see whether or not my baby was actually gone, and were turned away, yet again.
We returned home, defeated, distraught with grief. My whole body ached with the emotional and physical pain of losing my child. I bit the bullet and made the appointment with the ob/gyn. We would cash out the savings bonds we were going to use for Ethan's college money so I could go.
Tuesday:
My body feels 100% normal, non pregnant. I try my best to put on a brave face and move on. The thought that I was losing my baby doesn't hurt as bad as the circumstances that followed it. On the bright side, I am able to get pregnant. Maybe we will be lucky and get pregnant again right away after this. Maybe this time it will stick. I am optimistic, hopeful, but our family doesn't have "good" luck, only bad. And my heart feels as empty as my uterus.
Wednesday:
Feeling better, the spotting finally stopped. I feel like this is probably over and am relieved. Until around 4 pm. The bleeding gets worse, much worse. The cramping is awful. At around 9 pm, at dinner with my friends, I pass the baby in the bathroom at the restaurant. My heart is broken a little more. What do I do? What can I do? These last few days have been emotionally un-bearable. I thank God a thousand times over for my best friend who not only has been through this, but who took me away for a few days, cared for me and spoiled me. And of course my husband, who proved to be my rock, and was just as broken hearted about this as me. I would have been in such a deep, dark place if not for them.
Thursday:
The doctor appointment. Everything went smooth, my uterus was empty, still, but my hcg was still positive, normal they said. They will re-check in two weeks. The NP told us to start trying again right away. I feel a tiny sliver of hope in all of this darkness. Now we can move on. Our hearts a little heavy, our spirits a little down. The world has yet again kicked us in the face, but we are only stronger because of it.
...Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back to me...
*All of my readers have been following along on this journey as we try to conceive our second child, and this is just a part of this process. I wouldn't think anyone here would be judging why I wrote this post but for those who may be new, or who have missed some of the earlier posts, this is part of my life at this time. It was important for me to share the joy of finally being pregnant here and it is with a heavy heart that I share this story. But I am being true to my self and my friends and family whom I don't get to share things with directly by continuing the story of our pregnancy through any stage. I truly enjoyed hearing all the "congrats" on us announcing this pregnancy and I know I can also lean on the same people for support now, during this time of need. Thanks!
Saturday:
Spent the whole day feeling good, better than usual. My appetite came back today, which I thought was weird, but it didn't even cross my mind to worry.
Saturday night I started spotting. I freaked out, cried clutching my stomach saying every prayer I 've ever known, begging, pleading for this to not be happening.
Desperately, I looked to the Internet to see if perhaps, this is normal for five and a half weeks. Several sources said it was.
Sunday:
Still spotting, and now, cramping. Panic has set in. I called a nurse hotline, and was recommended to go to an urgent care. This cannot be happening, our insurance isn't effective until the first of July! How can you do this to me?!
We went to the urgent care, they turned us away because we couldn't pay that day. They sent us to another urgent care. They also turned us away. I sat in the car bawling as my husband tried desperately to console me. I begged the contents of my uterus to stay put, don't leave me! Not now, not when you were the only ray of sunshine in our lives! Why is this happening to us?
We went home, defeated. I told my husband if the bleeding got worse, we would go to the er.
It got worse.
The ER staff looked at me baffled, since I wasn't bleeding to death, they weren't sure why I was there. I had to know. Had to know what was happening to my baby. The baby we worked so hard to conceive. The baby I was so over the moon excited about. My miracle baby.
Blood test showed I was still pregnant, but barley. Ultrasound showed my uterus was empty. The doctor asked if I thought I had bled enough to have lost the baby. I said no. He sent us home with out a definite answer. Follow up with an ob/gyn, take it easy.
How can I take it easy? I'm losing my baby.
Monday:
We call a few area ob/gyn's, the office visit with out insurance is $200. We simply cannot afford it. I call planned parenthood, to see if they could help us once more. The girl I spoke with on the phone was sympathetic and helpful, they couldn't get me an appointment until Wednesday but if I walked in they would be able to see me that day.
Planned parenthood does not have a local office. We had to pack up our family, and rush to another city, 45 minuets away. When we got there, we waited to be seen by the receptionists. When I told them why we were here she said "Well, there's nothing we can do for you here." I tried explaining what the ER doctor said to me. "Well, it takes a few days for the HCG to leave your body, that positive doesn't mean anything."
I've never felt so distraught in my whole life. The whole world did not care that I was losing my baby. This is the worst time possible for this to happen to us. We wasted gas that we didn't have in the first place to come and see whether or not my baby was actually gone, and were turned away, yet again.
We returned home, defeated, distraught with grief. My whole body ached with the emotional and physical pain of losing my child. I bit the bullet and made the appointment with the ob/gyn. We would cash out the savings bonds we were going to use for Ethan's college money so I could go.
Tuesday:
My body feels 100% normal, non pregnant. I try my best to put on a brave face and move on. The thought that I was losing my baby doesn't hurt as bad as the circumstances that followed it. On the bright side, I am able to get pregnant. Maybe we will be lucky and get pregnant again right away after this. Maybe this time it will stick. I am optimistic, hopeful, but our family doesn't have "good" luck, only bad. And my heart feels as empty as my uterus.
Wednesday:
Feeling better, the spotting finally stopped. I feel like this is probably over and am relieved. Until around 4 pm. The bleeding gets worse, much worse. The cramping is awful. At around 9 pm, at dinner with my friends, I pass the baby in the bathroom at the restaurant. My heart is broken a little more. What do I do? What can I do? These last few days have been emotionally un-bearable. I thank God a thousand times over for my best friend who not only has been through this, but who took me away for a few days, cared for me and spoiled me. And of course my husband, who proved to be my rock, and was just as broken hearted about this as me. I would have been in such a deep, dark place if not for them.
Thursday:
The doctor appointment. Everything went smooth, my uterus was empty, still, but my hcg was still positive, normal they said. They will re-check in two weeks. The NP told us to start trying again right away. I feel a tiny sliver of hope in all of this darkness. Now we can move on. Our hearts a little heavy, our spirits a little down. The world has yet again kicked us in the face, but we are only stronger because of it.
...Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back to me...
*All of my readers have been following along on this journey as we try to conceive our second child, and this is just a part of this process. I wouldn't think anyone here would be judging why I wrote this post but for those who may be new, or who have missed some of the earlier posts, this is part of my life at this time. It was important for me to share the joy of finally being pregnant here and it is with a heavy heart that I share this story. But I am being true to my self and my friends and family whom I don't get to share things with directly by continuing the story of our pregnancy through any stage. I truly enjoyed hearing all the "congrats" on us announcing this pregnancy and I know I can also lean on the same people for support now, during this time of need. Thanks!
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