Friday, June 17, 2011

...The only way to really know, is to really let it go...

I'm not even 100% sure if it's time to post this. It's still so fresh.

Spent the whole day feeling good, better than usual. My appetite came back today, which I thought was weird, but it didn't even cross my mind to worry.
Saturday night I started spotting. I freaked out, cried clutching my stomach saying every prayer I 've ever known, begging, pleading for this to not be happening.
Desperately, I looked to the Internet to see if perhaps, this is normal for five and a half weeks. Several sources said it was.

Still spotting, and now, cramping. Panic has set in. I called a nurse hotline, and was recommended to go to an urgent care. This cannot be happening, our insurance isn't effective until the first of July! How can you do this to me?!
We went to the urgent care, they turned us away because we couldn't pay that day. They sent us to another urgent care. They also turned us away. I sat in the car bawling as my husband tried desperately to console me. I begged the contents of my uterus to stay put, don't leave me! Not now, not when you were the only ray of sunshine in our lives! Why is this happening to us?
We went home, defeated. I told my husband if the bleeding got worse, we would go to the er.
It got worse.
The ER staff looked at me baffled, since I wasn't bleeding to death, they weren't sure why I was there. I had to know. Had to know what was happening to my baby. The baby we worked so hard to conceive. The baby I was so over the moon excited about. My miracle baby.
Blood test showed I was still pregnant, but barley.  Ultrasound showed my uterus was empty. The doctor asked if I thought I had bled enough to have lost the baby. I said no. He sent us home with out a definite answer. Follow up with an ob/gyn, take it easy.
How can I take it easy? I'm losing my baby.

We call a few area ob/gyn's, the office visit with out insurance is $200. We simply cannot afford it. I call planned parenthood, to see if they could help us once more. The girl I spoke with on the phone was sympathetic and helpful, they couldn't get me an appointment until Wednesday but if I walked in they would be able to see me that day.
Planned parenthood does not have a local office. We had to pack up our family, and rush to another city, 45 minuets away.  When we got there, we waited to be seen by the receptionists. When I told them why we were here she said "Well, there's nothing we can do for you here." I tried explaining what the ER doctor said to me. "Well, it takes a few days for the HCG to leave your body, that positive doesn't mean anything."
I've never felt so distraught in my whole life. The whole world did not care that I was losing my baby. This is the worst time possible for this to happen to us. We wasted gas that we didn't have in the first place to come and see whether or not my baby was actually gone, and were turned away, yet again.
We returned home, defeated, distraught with grief. My whole body ached with the emotional and physical pain of losing my child. I bit the bullet and made the appointment with the ob/gyn. We would cash out the savings bonds we were going to use for Ethan's college money so I could go.

My body feels 100% normal, non pregnant. I try my best to put on a brave face and move on. The thought that I was losing my baby doesn't hurt as bad as the circumstances that followed it. On the bright side, I am able to get pregnant. Maybe we will be lucky and get pregnant again right away after this. Maybe this time it will stick. I am optimistic, hopeful, but our family doesn't have "good" luck, only bad. And my heart feels as empty as my uterus.

Feeling better, the spotting finally stopped. I feel like this is probably over and am relieved. Until around 4 pm. The bleeding gets worse, much worse. The cramping is awful. At around 9 pm, at dinner with my friends, I pass the baby in the bathroom at the restaurant. My heart is broken a little more. What do I do? What can I do? These last few days have been emotionally un-bearable. I thank God a thousand times over for my best friend who not only has been through this, but who took me away for a few days, cared for me and spoiled me. And of course my husband, who proved to be my rock, and was just as broken hearted about this as me. I would have been in such a deep, dark place if not for them.

The doctor appointment. Everything went smooth, my uterus was empty, still, but my hcg was still positive, normal they said.  They will re-check in two weeks.  The NP told us to start trying again right away. I feel a tiny sliver of hope in all of this darkness. Now we can move on. Our hearts a little heavy, our spirits a little down. The world has yet again kicked us in the face, but we are only stronger because of it.

...Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back to me...

*All of my readers have been following along on this journey as we try to conceive our second child, and this is just a part of this process. I wouldn't think anyone here would be judging why I wrote this post but for those who may be new, or who have missed some of the earlier posts, this is part of my life at this time. It was important for me to share the joy of finally being pregnant here and it is with a heavy heart that I share this story. But I am being true to my self and my friends and family whom I don't get to share things with directly by continuing the story of our pregnancy through any stage. I truly enjoyed hearing all the "congrats" on us announcing this pregnancy and I know I can also lean on the same people for support now, during this time of need. Thanks!


  1. Sux.

    Totally sux.

    I feel you.... *hugs*

  2. This is the first time I have ever read your blog.

    That said, why would anyone judge your decision to share your emotions over the loss of the pregnancy???

    Years ago, without even knowing I was pregnant (3 months, still getting my period, although lighter than normal), I had a miscarriage in the shower. I worked for a cold, bitter, bitch of a woman. I called in to go to the doctor. One of my coworkers was a close friend. I called the friend first after the appointment and she told our boss for me....

    The boss's response, "Oh, give me a fuckin' break! She's not coming in? She didn't even know she was pregnant! You don't get mourning time for cells you didn't know about!"

    But I knew I'd lost a baby. A three month old, beating heart, early brain activity baby. And I was devastated.

    As an aside, my mother told both me and my sister not to announce our pregnancies until after the 3 month mark. Miscarriage is so common is those first few months. (She had two.) She found it easier to handle when she didn't have to announce the loss.

    Good luck! I hope you have the baby you are longing for SOON!