Fat Chick Friday: What's my motivation??

So, under normal circumstances (i.e. before I had a family to support) I was fiercely competitive with just about anyone and anything.  Lifestyle changes, (my weight being the uh-hem, largest thing to change) has not sapped the spark for a healthy competition, but it sure as hell has effected the motivation.

This time last year I had just found out my best friend has gotten engaged, so I "vowed" that I was going to try and lose 40 lbs by her wedding in May.  I lost 14, progress yes, but seriously, coulda, shoulda, woulda, been 40 had I really put my best efforts into it.

Well if we are going to get technical, I 've vowed on dozens of occasions to finally do it, to let this year be the year that I look good in a bathing suit. But to perfectly honest, I 'm hoping the Apocalypse comes before then this time, because the motivation? She's been on vacation, for oh, the last 20 years of my life!

Some say losing weight is a lifestyle change, a huge commitment. And I know that to be successful, a lifestyle change is what has to be made.  When we moved to Vegas, I put our family on a 30/70 organic food diet, and we still stick to that pretty much today. But I'm still fat. I also said we would limit out fast food and dining out  trips for health as well as for the financial aspect, and we really don't eat out all that often. So on that principle, I should have dropped like 20 lbs right? Nope.

It is said that diet and exercise MUST go hand in hand when trying to lose weight as well, but exercising two days here, one day there, running for two weeks, then stopping for six weeks, isn't exactly going to count.

All of my mediocre efforts have resulted in maintaining my current weight, fluctuating a few lbs here and there. But I have never been truly motivated to stick with a plan and see it through. I'm not sure why.. There has never been something that I can't accomplish. When I put my mind to something, it takes all the powers of hell to try and stop me. But not this one thing.  This one thing that has plagued me ALL my life. The one thing that I want more than any of the other things that I have already accomplished.

Weight loss continually eludes me year after year.  I can't for the life of me understand why I can't seem to do this. I can support a family, I can raise a child, I can budget like a mofo, I can pay two cars payments and rent on my income alone, I can make a mean batch of cookies, I can kiss a boo boo, I can help the homeless. I am a powerful creature! But I can't seem to lose weight.

** please note that this is NOT me seeking advice or psychiatric evaluations, just a fat chick rambling on about her shitty motivation!

Be fierce or gtfo!

 Hello my pretties! Now that the holiday madness has passed, and insomnia has woken me up at 5:30 am, I am compelled to write. (Hey, creativity doesn't make appointments folks!)

So the day after we got home form all our holiday gluttony, I stepped on the scale, wrought with fear, as I had *ahem* indulged a bit during said period of festivity. Only instead of jumping off and vowing to eat nothing but cottage cheese forever while hugging my knees on the bathroom floor, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that not only had I NOT gained, but I had lost weight. (note, I was also pretty sick the entire time we were gone.) I immediately assumed that perhaps my scale was just being nice, trying to spare another break down episode, and the death threats that I give it when the numbers don't look good. So I weighed myself the following two days as well. Still looking good.

So since it's a new year and all, and I am the Queen of M Fing fresh starts(see here) the promise of a nice, shiny (OO shiny!), NEW year means all kinds of fun for me. Now I don't like to make resolutions, but I do have a few things each year I strive for.

This year's goals, if you will, are as follows:

Obviosly, watch the scale move much more in the downward motion
Work out more than one day a week, let's get crazy and shoot for three!
Get pregnant! (you'd think it would be easy with my husband)
Actually run the Las Vegas half marathon
Re-locate to a new address as I'm running out of places to hide bodies, and the cops are sniffing around a bit... we would like to live closer to our families.
Travel somewhere new (Portland? Paris?)
Win that free pre-paid cremation from the Neptune Society
And save more money!

So it's time to be fierce or get the fuck out! (for a couple of months anyhow.) Today calls for a run, and I'm dragging the Mr along with too.

>:(  grrrr this is my fierce face! But it kind of looks like an  I have two strands of hair and am very unhappy about it face too. Well, whatever, it's too early in the morning to be sane!

Fat Chick Friday: Fat Chick Fail

Ask me how many times I ran after the last post?

Go on.....

Once.

Did I ever tell you guys that I have a huge problem with motivation? Yup. I do...

But I so plan on going tomorrow. Really! I do! It's just, it gets so busy around the holidays, then Aunt Flo dropped in, blah blah blah. I know excuses, and crap ones at that.

But tomorrow? Now that the chaos of holiday shopping is done, and I don't have to work, and because if I don't I'll just sit around my house eating M&M's and playing WOW all day. I must run.  I mean, I need to at least do one thing productive.

But on the plus, I did lose 3 of 4 holiday lbs gained. Go me!

Too bad I'll probably put it back on next week.

Merry Christmas you saucy minxes you :)

Fat Chick Friday

This blog originated as a means for me to document my weight loss journey, with a sprinkling of other fun stories and anecdotes along the way. Well, since I've been a very naughty girl and have ceased all "getting healthy" projects for oh, I don''t know, a few months, I've managed to get away from the really important issues at hand. Such as the diary of an angry fat chick.

This week I have decided to introduce a new weekly feature on my blog. Fat Chick Friday will probably be every week, every other week as the hilarity and sob stories of me going from fat chick to former fat chick ensue. 

This last weekend while my best friend, and fellow blogger,  Andrea came to visit for the extended weekend. This meant that fast food in the form of In-N-Out, Del Taco, Cafe Rio, and other wondrous places, was consumed. As well as an unhealthy slew of other delicious foods. Slothfulness was also a great pass time for us. Nice.  But the other activity that occurred during Andrea's visit was my sister running the Las Vegas Rock N Roll  half marathon. Yes, the one I was supposed to run with her.  Well, it's obvious I did not. But she did, (and alone thanks to me) and did amazing! And I got to thinking as we waited for her to finish,  with hundreds of runners parading by as we sat, I really did want to do this. I should have done this but I chickened out. Well, I STILL want to be a runner!

Today, my husband and I started running again. For me, I started the C25K program over, from day one, and it totally kicked my ass.  My boobs were aching (damn you giant boobs!) and I was way out of breath at the finish but dang it I got my ass back on that treadmill after *cough4extrapoundscough* and months of inactivity and did it.

And starting over was one of the hardest steps I've ever taken.  But it's going to be one of the most worth while!

And that's how Sue (C) see's it!
Just kidding, stay classy San Diego!

But really, Let's hope my fat ass sticks with it this time. Until next week, or the week after, whatever....

I really am thankful

Thanksgiving has never been one of my favorite holidays.  I usually volunteer to work each year, including this one (hello holiday pay!). But this year I was passed over and ended up with it off, for the first time in a few years.  And the icing on that cake? My family has decided to come out here this year. Joy!

But really? Thanksgiving, what a weird holiday.  A day we "Americans" (I use the term lightly since so few of us are actually native to this land) celebrate with a giant feast giving thanks for the settlers that crossed over and made a new start here in this great land.  We won't go on to say what else those settlers did to the natives after that. But I don't celebrate Thanksgiving for that reason.  I use this as a time to be with my family, and to truly reflect on what I am thankful for in my life. 

The last two years have beaten us up pretty badly.  My husband lost his job two years ago in October.  Needless to say it was hard to be thankful at that Thanksgiving, having no income, and no prospect for jobs, and an impending move from a house that we loooooved. And last year we were trying so hard to recover from a brutal economy, having lost over $18,000 in savings, retirement, bonds for Ethan's college just so we could survive. My husband's car was repossessed and we were facing another move since we couldn't afford to live in a house anymore.  Not to mention, we were stuck in Vegas, just the three of us, while our families got together to celebrate.  It's hard to feel grateful when you've faced such a rough few years. 

But this year? This year has been a much better, not quite good, but better year than we have had in a while.  I have so much to be thankful for.  For the first time in a few years, we are living well.  Gone are the days when my husband and I were living off top ramen just so we could have milk and food for our son.  Gone are the times when we were overdrafting our bank account each and every pay period, gone are the days of only having one car, and my husband bringing in $350 every two weeks.  Things aren't perfect, but they are so much better.  We actually donated about $85 this Thanksgiving to needy families, not huge, but for us it was.  Now don't read this as me saying, hey we have money now and are super happy! Because that is not it, nor is it all I'm thankful for.

I have a beautiful, fantastic and supportive family.  Our families have helped pull us out of the rubble of our old lives, never once lecturing, or being condescending as parents and families can be at times.  Just extending a hand, sending a thoughtful card, a random check.  I am so thankful for my family! I feel truly blessed.  And my husband? An amazing support.  He knows just how hard it is for me at my job.  How much I hate being away from my son and how much I ache to be a stay at home mom again.  He is working so hard at school, and is constantly nurturing me and supporting me through some pretty ugly times. My son? A little ball of wonder and energy. Pushing us to our limits, testing us, growing and learning.  He knows how to push all the right buttons and then turn around and make you fall absolutely in love with him in one second. 

I am also thankful for amazing friends! Friends that have been like family, helping us out in a pinch, lending a house to stay in, or money, or free child care (you know who I'm talking to here.) And friends that no matter what the distance is between us, they can surely be counted on for anything (late night blogging advice, books for my kiddo, ect!)

I don't need fancy clothes, cars, expensive purses or any other kind of material junk in my life. I currently have all I need.  And that is what I am truly thankful for.

 What are you thankful for? Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Tales of a former dancer part 2

While I was taking my time (four years) to get my associates degree I danced through college.  (Which was probably the main reason it took my four years was because half of my credits were dance classes.)  There was one semester I was taking 12 hours of classes 4 days a week.  But I loved it dearly.  There hasn't been anything before or since that I have truly loved doing more.  Maybe horizontal dancing....maybe...

Most people would probably wonder why I did not aspire to make dancing a part of my career.  There are many reasons for that.  Sure, I was talented enough to make it in some form or another as a professional (not stripping kiddos!) but I wasn't ever motivated enough.  I mean, lets be practical, as I was (am).  Dancer's have pretty short lived careers as far as "performing" is concerned.  Injuries can end a dancers carrer in an instant, and I alrady had bad knees and ankles. The semester before I stopped dancing, I pulled my hamstring, badly, and have since not fully recovered.

Dancers have to fit a certian "body type." I have always been thick, short and sturdy, not the tall, lithe, and graceful type that embodies most of the greats that I have come to know and  love.  I may get thinner, but I'd never grow the extra five inches I needed to be a professional ballerina. Thanks mom and dad. And lastly, it takes a lot of No's to finally get a yes.  I'm not one to deal well with rejection.  I mean, from the girl who once wanted to drop everything and move to New York to pursue a career in Theater at 18,  I had acquired enough knowledge in my advanced age (for a dancer) that I must be practical and find a career that would have more longevity. 

Thus dancing became just a passion.  I still decided once I enrolled at UNLV to become a dance minor, maybe I would be able to teach one day. (I have strong philosophies on what qualifies one to be able to teach dance, professional experience is one, education second.) Which would still enable me to live apart of my dream while making some sort of a living, which would have been teaching art.  But I soon decided against finishing my education at UNLV and quit dancing all together.  I was 25, newly engaged, and other wise, pretty well pre-occupied with being in love (and lust) that I dropped everything and quit school and dance.

Do I regret that? Well, not really. I mean I do want my B.A. eventually. It's not until I watch a show like "So You Think You Can Dance" or movies like "Flashdance" or "Staying Alive" or hear music that makes me want to jump off my chair and do tour-jete's around the room that I deeply miss my passion.  But my life as wife and mommy has become my new food. Writing has replaced my need for an artistic outlet.  Dreaming of dancing, going to shows, and watching old dance videos have silenced the need for me to perform.  And I'm still waiting on my dream career as a stay at home mom/ angsty blog & book writer to come to be.

A free show

Today after I took my shower, I realized that I had no clothes to change into in the bathroom. Freshly shaved (ahem) and lotioned, I walked out into my bedroom to grab some clothes. At some point my husband must have opened the blinds. And I noticed my neighbor was outside the window, getting into his car rather quickly. While I bolted back into the bathroom for my bathrobe, I realized this is the same neighbor whom I believe knocked on the wall when last night's procreation attempt got a little loud.

I'm not sure if he saw me or not, I wouldn't doubt it. I think it's time to move.