Fat Chick Friday: What's my motivation??

So, under normal circumstances (i.e. before I had a family to support) I was fiercely competitive with just about anyone and anything.  Lifestyle changes, (my weight being the uh-hem, largest thing to change) has not sapped the spark for a healthy competition, but it sure as hell has effected the motivation.

This time last year I had just found out my best friend has gotten engaged, so I "vowed" that I was going to try and lose 40 lbs by her wedding in May.  I lost 14, progress yes, but seriously, coulda, shoulda, woulda, been 40 had I really put my best efforts into it.

Well if we are going to get technical, I 've vowed on dozens of occasions to finally do it, to let this year be the year that I look good in a bathing suit. But to perfectly honest, I 'm hoping the Apocalypse comes before then this time, because the motivation? She's been on vacation, for oh, the last 20 years of my life!

Some say losing weight is a lifestyle change, a huge commitment. And I know that to be successful, a lifestyle change is what has to be made.  When we moved to Vegas, I put our family on a 30/70 organic food diet, and we still stick to that pretty much today. But I'm still fat. I also said we would limit out fast food and dining out  trips for health as well as for the financial aspect, and we really don't eat out all that often. So on that principle, I should have dropped like 20 lbs right? Nope.

It is said that diet and exercise MUST go hand in hand when trying to lose weight as well, but exercising two days here, one day there, running for two weeks, then stopping for six weeks, isn't exactly going to count.

All of my mediocre efforts have resulted in maintaining my current weight, fluctuating a few lbs here and there. But I have never been truly motivated to stick with a plan and see it through. I'm not sure why.. There has never been something that I can't accomplish. When I put my mind to something, it takes all the powers of hell to try and stop me. But not this one thing.  This one thing that has plagued me ALL my life. The one thing that I want more than any of the other things that I have already accomplished.

Weight loss continually eludes me year after year.  I can't for the life of me understand why I can't seem to do this. I can support a family, I can raise a child, I can budget like a mofo, I can pay two cars payments and rent on my income alone, I can make a mean batch of cookies, I can kiss a boo boo, I can help the homeless. I am a powerful creature! But I can't seem to lose weight.

** please note that this is NOT me seeking advice or psychiatric evaluations, just a fat chick rambling on about her shitty motivation!