It has been a while. Life gets crazy and it gets hard to keep up with these kinds of things in the daily grind. But as it is the beginning of the month, I find myself in a real tough spot emotionally. One I keep finding myself in over, and over again. I recall saying I'll never go back to 200+ again once I got down to 198. I remember crying tears of joy because, before kids, I seriously never thought I'd get that far, and I did. And tragedy hit me and I gained 26 lbs back but with the help of my girls at work, I lost 13 of it. Dang I worked my ass off too! I was feeling good, starting to look good(ish) and then nursing school happened. Over the course of four months I've managed to gain almost every pound I lost back. 12 of 13. Oh, I've been going to the gym, at least 3 times a week, running at least twice a week for 2 miles each go, and weight lifting 1-2 times a week too. The issue is I have this addiction disorder (It actually runs in the family.) I am a food addict. I eat my feelings; when I'm bored, mad, sad, tired....It's been pretty bad lately. And it's obviously not something I come right out and talk about, not seriously anyway. You can team this up with my fancy bipolar disorder and the fact that I can blow through money like its toilet paper sometimes too. They go hand in hand some days. I don't even realize I'm doing it, that's the scary thing. I walked into a store for one reason and walked out with a box of giant cookies that I ate almost half of by myself. I was starving yesterday after clinicals and went to get lunch and grabbed ice cream too. I spent money on TWO things I really didn't need, WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT! That's almost scary.
I weighed myself as is customary on the first of the month, and usually when I do this I have lost something from the previous months, but these last two months my stats have gone up instead of down. I cried as I took my measurements because I can see the damage I'm doing to myself. Breaking through the addiction has been my biggest road block. If I can't fix this, I can't fix me and that has never felt more real than right now in these moments. Food addiction is not something you really think about, but when you look at just the addiction part of it? I mean, addiction is very powerful, if you can't get to the bottom of it, it never goes away. I've seen it with my own family, you replaced one vice for another. I've seen people who have has gastric bypass do the same thing, you exchange one vice for another. If you can't beat the addiction altogether, you're really effed. So I've been working on breaking down this major stronghold in my life. I 've got a couple books I'm working out of and they both tell me that journaling is a great tool for helping to navigate through these waters, and I've been pretty dammed honest and open here in the past so here goes nothing. I'll never quit my pursuit of finding a healthier version of myself. I'll keep on trying until I'm either where I need to be or dead! Most of the time I post stuff here to encourage or motivate, today I'm the one who needs the encouragement and motivation! I'll keep posting as long as I physically can, it's really hard to find the time to journal with school demanding so much of my time!! But please, if you pray, pray for me, if not, send me good vibes, luck, whatever, tomorrow is Lu's b-day so pizza, ice cream, and cake. Hooray. Just how I need to start this month off!!