Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Accountability and crap

So. If you've read anything I've written in the past you know my story already. If you're new to the bitter rants of an angry overweight 30 something, let me catch you up to speed. Quickly. I was fat once. Then I started to be not so fat. And I wrote about it. The end.

Well, life took its toll and the whole "I'll never go back to being over 200 lbs" line ended up being a bunch of crap. I've seen plenty of weight loss shows with crying contestants discussing how they gained all their weight after a loved one died, and it never made any sense to me, there was a part of me that just didn't get that. Then my dad got sick. And between stress eating, and comfort eating, and eventually both numerous times over, I found myself having gained back nearly all of the weight I had previously worked so damn hard to take off. And really quickly too. Man, grief does some really effed up stuff to a person and I get it now!  Truth is, I never really knew I was grieving via food until I looked at my body, really looked at it, and saw just how big I had gotten again. That is where it became not ok for me to continue to bury my feelings, drowning them in cookies, and cake , and pizza, fast food...I mean, we all know I could go on!

I knew what I had done to myself.  And I wasn't about to do anything to fix it because it felt good, like a nice hot bath after a rough day,  I wanted to eat and be lazy because in some sick way it was helping me cope. I did go to therapy for a while and we briefly discussed why I emotionally sabotage myself, but we never found the root of it.I had stopped going by then, stopped caring, it wasn't helping much anyhow.  I tried new medications, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, even pills that help you eat less.  All with little to no success.  Ultimately, I need to get out of my own head, I've done this before, why couldn't I  to do it again? I  I can't rely on anything to do it for me.  I need to climb this mountain and get over it by myself.  It's nothing you can magically fix with a pill, which I know I've mentioned before, nor can I be lazy about it, it requires work and commitment! So I joined gym, and I signed up for a half marathon.  Nothing like throwing myself out of the pan and into the fire right there! And now I need my community more than I ever have.  To keep me accountable, to keep me sane, to keep me motivated.  So if you're in you're own personal 12th hour and need to start being a better version of you, whatever that may mean to you, toss your hat in with mine and let's climb baby! Let's grab the bull by the horns and do this!!

Day 1: 224 lbs
Goal for July: under 220.
(I've got 2 weeks left, yikes!!!)


  1. And I'll be there every step of the way. . I'm glad we started going to the gym together and our 1 mile lunch walks. We can do this. We can't give up. I may be smaller than you but I have a lot to go to be where I want to be. Let's do this :) 6 week challenge.. LET'S GOOOOO!!

  2. Is it really helpful to point out that you are smaller than her? I personally think that's quite rude.

  3. You can do it! You're an amazing mom, smart, strong and you got this! Love you!

  4. It's a friend of mine I work with. It's no big deal!!