Friday, April 22, 2016

"Fat Amy"

            So the last time I wrote I discussed how I had a food addiction and how this has been really difficult for me to overcome.  I recently purchased some books to help me work through these issues, and both have been really helpful (if you'd like to know more about them , send me a message on my Facebook page.) They have thus far been very enlightening and have helped me to start to look at food in a new light.  It's been about three weeks and I was feeling really good, and felt like I made some progress.  Today when I got on the scale I was down five pounds even! But there was an incident today that really threw me for a loop.  Yesterday after my rounds in the hospital, I noticed a giant rip in the bum of my scrub pants, (these scrubs we are required to wear are garbage and half of my class has had them rip, no joke!) I was concerned over how long this tear had been in my pants and put it to my group of really great people, knowing they would have said something if they had noticed...No one noticed which means, whew! They must have ripped when I got in or out of my truck on the way home.  The next day at class we were all laughing and joking about it and one of my classmates offered a spare pair of his pants, I told him that I had a big butt and his pants wouldn't fit me, and after some of his insisting his pants were an XL, and they'd fit, I  told him these that I had were a 2XL.  (this alone was shameful for me, but I never put too much into it as the sizing is really weird for these scrubs too, I normally wear a large in ALL the other scrubs I've ever owned)  another classmate said "Damn! 2XL??" I really didn't bat an eyelash because I joke around about being fat with these guys all the time. At that point in time, it seemed like it didn't bother me.

           Sitting back today and reflecting on everything that happened after that point, I was wondering what made me eat like a crazy person today when I had been doing so well for the last week.  That's when I stumbled across something in my readings that hit me like a ton of bricks.  The author asked us readers to write down why we tend to eat in secrecy, away from others, and what we think other people would think if they saw us eating they way we did in secret.  "What would _____ think if he/she saw you eating what you wanted to eat in front of them?" It brought me right back to this issue today, hell, it brought me back to the third grade when the boy I liked called me thunder thighs! So I let myself have cake, and then we went and got ice cream with the kids, and then I ate so much at dinner that I felt really full. 

            I'm going to have rough days.  I'm going to have great days.  I'm going to have people who support me and people who don't understand me.  He didn't mean to be hurtful, I know that for sure, but it did hurt, and that is my fault.  I allowed myself to be in this position by making fun of me first, by trying to make light of my shitty situation to feel like it was something that is acceptable.  Be the funny fat chick, make fun of yourself first, like in Pitch Perfect, I'm fat Amy.
Seriously...I called myself out so that others wouldn't.  And it sort of backfired today. But, I realize that I can't put myself in that situation with out feeling really vulnerable, I wasn't prepared for the emotional backlash that followed and it fucked up my whole day.  But it's not ruining the rest of my life.  I'll take my tender bits, dust them off and try better tomorrow.  Taking this journey one day at a time.

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