30 day progress report

Ugh...frustration is all that I feel right now.  Despite working out 4-6 days a week and eating healthier most days, I managed to gain back some of the 6 lbs I lost the first two weeks of bikini body mommy workouts.  I blame my impending period (I seriously hate being a girl most days...) and added workouts which make you very hungry.  I haven't retaken measurements yet, I try to keep that around the first part of the month so I just took a set for June, and hadn't made much progress from the first week of the challenge with those so I have no idea if I am losing inches (I don't feel like it) or not. I made a deal with the husband to have him encourage me to work out and eat better and give him some (wink, wink) incentive if I lost over my goal weight for the month.  So far that encouragement has come in the form of, "Don't eat that" twice in 2 weeks.  Thanks for the encouragement love!! Not...I have to remind myself that my body's metabolism is still in the mind set of maintaining my weight, I haven't put forth enough combined diet and exercise to trick it into speeding up just yet, so let's change the plans for the remaining days in June to hit my 7lbs target.
Work outs need to have at least 3 of 6 days with 1 hour or more of exercise.  Continue to eat 1700-1500 calories daily (no more cheating...sad face) and hope for the best come July 1st.  I can do this.....right?? It is so hard, school makes me so tired and consumes so much of my time that I feel like any extra time I have I should be studying, and even then, with the current events in the world I find it hard to find motivation to push on for myself.  I'd rather wallow in sadness. But it needs to be done and Rome wasn't built in a day, or even a month so I will continue on and fix the process as needed.

That's right, we're a damn Rolls-Royce, dammit!!!!!

Here I go again on my own...

Accountability is key.  Especially with any weight loss program.  Every time I start out on a new "expedition, " I look for a friend or two to join me.  I always get a couple likes on the facebook page, but no one every really commits.  And that's ok, I know everyone has their own lives and stuff...but this journey is never easy and it makes life rough when you have to do it solo.  Maybe that's why I can never really commit whole-heartedly to the process.  I recently (ok, today) started another round of the bikini body mommy work out, which I have done before, but have never finished.  Well, I really want to finish it this time.  Like me, the hostess Brianna, has 60 lbs (post partum, she just had an adorable baby) and I know she will kill it and look fabulous in no time! I may finish the 90 day challenge, I may get half way...I don't know, its hard to say... but for now I'll be song for the ride. (If you haven't checked out her program, I seriously encourage you to do so at bikinibodymommy.com

In the last couple of posts I have discussed my emotional eating problem and can tell you that while I have had no success on the scale, I am becoming very much more aware of the things, times, feelings, ect when I eat.  Baby steps I guess, truth is, I'm being a stubborn ass and while knowing that I really am not hungry, I just haven't cared that much.  With the stress of the final two weeks of my first semester in nursing school, eating was all I could do to keep sane, and the mentality just kind of stuck. But hopefully I am back on track with this new program, and the pounds will start melting off again.  I set a very small goal of losing only 7 lbs this month (ok, that doesn't really seem too small) but I know that I can achieve this easily, having gained about this much in the past few months of school.  Yikes...

My game plan is to continue the BBM workouts daily and supplement a couple of run days with a couple of extra weight lifting days.  I noticed a HUGE difference in my endurance during the BBM workout day 1 fit test than I have seen in previous attempts, I was able to do more on certain moves than in the past! Go weightlifting!! I may do an entire post on how amazing lifting is for weightloss vs just cardio one of these days.  And I will (ugh, Iam going to hate my life for commtting like this) post my before pictures and stats for this current challenge (not going to say when!!) So keep posted!! If you haven't liked the Diary of an Angry Fat Chick facebook page do so here. On this page I will post little bonuses, like perhaps some vlogs?? Recipies??? Fun things???? So go there if you want more!

"Fat Amy"

            So the last time I wrote I discussed how I had a food addiction and how this has been really difficult for me to overcome.  I recently purchased some books to help me work through these issues, and both have been really helpful (if you'd like to know more about them , send me a message on my Facebook page.) They have thus far been very enlightening and have helped me to start to look at food in a new light.  It's been about three weeks and I was feeling really good, and felt like I made some progress.  Today when I got on the scale I was down five pounds even! But there was an incident today that really threw me for a loop.  Yesterday after my rounds in the hospital, I noticed a giant rip in the bum of my scrub pants, (these scrubs we are required to wear are garbage and half of my class has had them rip, no joke!) I was concerned over how long this tear had been in my pants and put it to my group of really great people, knowing they would have said something if they had noticed...No one noticed which means, whew! They must have ripped when I got in or out of my truck on the way home.  The next day at class we were all laughing and joking about it and one of my classmates offered a spare pair of his pants, I told him that I had a big butt and his pants wouldn't fit me, and after some of his insisting his pants were an XL, and they'd fit, I  told him these that I had were a 2XL.  (this alone was shameful for me, but I never put too much into it as the sizing is really weird for these scrubs too, I normally wear a large in ALL the other scrubs I've ever owned)  another classmate said "Damn! 2XL??" I really didn't bat an eyelash because I joke around about being fat with these guys all the time. At that point in time, it seemed like it didn't bother me.

           Sitting back today and reflecting on everything that happened after that point, I was wondering what made me eat like a crazy person today when I had been doing so well for the last week.  That's when I stumbled across something in my readings that hit me like a ton of bricks.  The author asked us readers to write down why we tend to eat in secrecy, away from others, and what we think other people would think if they saw us eating they way we did in secret.  "What would _____ think if he/she saw you eating what you wanted to eat in front of them?" It brought me right back to this issue today, hell, it brought me back to the third grade when the boy I liked called me thunder thighs! So I let myself have cake, and then we went and got ice cream with the kids, and then I ate so much at dinner that I felt really full. 

            I'm going to have rough days.  I'm going to have great days.  I'm going to have people who support me and people who don't understand me.  He didn't mean to be hurtful, I know that for sure, but it did hurt, and that is my fault.  I allowed myself to be in this position by making fun of me first, by trying to make light of my shitty situation to feel like it was something that is acceptable.  Be the funny fat chick, make fun of yourself first, like in Pitch Perfect, I'm fat Amy.

Seriously...I called myself out so that others wouldn't.  And it sort of backfired today. But, I realize that I can't put myself in that situation with out feeling really vulnerable, I wasn't prepared for the emotional backlash that followed and it fucked up my whole day.  But it's not ruining the rest of my life.  I'll take my tender bits, dust them off and try better tomorrow.  Taking this journey one day at a time.

The long, hard road

It has been a while.  Life gets crazy and it gets hard to keep up with these kinds of things in the daily grind.  But as it is the beginning of the month, I find myself in a real tough spot emotionally.  One I keep finding myself in over, and over again.  I recall saying I'll never go back to 200+ again once I got down to 198.  I remember crying tears of joy because, before kids, I seriously never thought I'd get that far, and I did.  And tragedy hit me and I gained 26 lbs back but with the help of my girls at work, I lost 13 of it.  Dang I worked my ass off too! I was feeling good, starting to look good(ish) and then nursing school happened. Over the course of four months I've managed to gain almost every pound I lost back.  12 of 13. Oh, I've been going to the gym, at least 3 times a week, running at least twice a week for 2 miles each go, and weight lifting 1-2 times a week too.  The issue is I have this addiction disorder (It actually runs in the family.) I am a food addict. I eat my feelings; when I'm bored, mad, sad, tired....It's been pretty bad lately.  And it's obviously not something I come right out and talk about, not seriously anyway.  You can team this up with my fancy bipolar disorder and the fact that I can blow through money like its toilet paper sometimes too.  They go hand in hand some days.  I don't even realize I'm doing it, that's the scary thing.  I walked into a store for one reason and walked out with a box of giant cookies that I ate almost half of by myself.  I was starving yesterday after clinicals and went to get lunch and grabbed ice cream too.  I spent money on TWO things I really didn't need, WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT! That's almost scary. 
I weighed myself as is customary on the first of the month, and usually when I do this I have lost something from the previous months, but these last two months my stats have gone up instead of down.  I cried as I took my measurements because I can see the damage I'm doing to myself.  Breaking through the addiction has been my biggest road block.  If I can't fix this, I can't fix me and that has never felt more real than right now in these moments. Food addiction is not something you really think about, but when you look at just the addiction part of it?  I mean, addiction is very powerful, if you can't get to the bottom of it, it never goes away.  I've seen it with my own family, you replaced one vice for another.  I've seen people who have has gastric bypass do the same thing, you exchange one vice for another.  If you can't beat the addiction altogether, you're really effed.  So I've been working on breaking down this major stronghold in my life.  I 've got a couple books I'm working out of and they both tell me that journaling is a great tool for helping to navigate through these waters, and I've been pretty dammed honest and open here in the past so here goes nothing.  I'll never quit my pursuit of finding a healthier version of myself.  I'll keep on trying until I'm either where I need to be or dead! Most of the time I post stuff here to encourage or motivate, today I'm the one who needs the encouragement and motivation! I'll keep posting as long as I physically can, it's really hard to find the time to journal with school demanding so much of my time!! But please, if you pray, pray for me, if not, send me good vibes, luck, whatever, tomorrow is Lu's b-day so pizza, ice cream, and cake.  Hooray. Just how I need to start this month off!!