Tuesday, May 10, 2011

8 months

Everyone keeps telling you to stop stressing. You're worrying too much about it. The reality is, I'm not. When we first started trying to conceive our second child in September/October, I was crazy obsessed, but in the following months, I relaxed. Told myself to breath, relax, it will happen in its own time. Just the same advice every other man, woman, and child was giving me. But it's been 8 months. Eight months of trying, sometimes hard, sometimes, not so hard. Eight months of planning, calculating, watching and studying my body. Eight months of failed attempts at conceiving a child. Eight months of heartbreak, each and every time "lady week" rolls around.

All the medical sites and information I've been reading says you should give it a year before seeking medical help.  That's not so far away. Does that mean that after these next four attempts we pretty much close shop and seek out alternative methods? Probably. I have mentioned before that I will not put my body through the grueling process of IVF or any weird medicines that can cause me to have 8 babies at once. Not only can we not afford it but I have principles. There are thousands of children across the world who need homes, and anyone that isn't understanding of our decision to adopt can kiss my ass. (I'm very protective of my not-quite-adopted children already!)

I'm not obsessed, I'm not going crazy trying to get knocked up, I just know in my heart of hearts that I want more from my family. I want more children, I want my son to have siblings, I want ballet recitals, and football games, I want my children to surround me at Christmas, happy and excited. And what the eff is wrong with that?  God did not intend for me to have only one child, but He may have only meant for me to give birth to one. And that's ok, I am already ready to move on in the event that we are unable. I am already making peace with my body, looking into adoption, planning ahead. Just because these past 8 months have ended in failure doesn't mean that the game is over.

I'm staring my infertility in the face and trying like hell to deal with it. But this isn't over....

1 comment:

  1. oooo i feel your pain in this post! sending you fertile good luck thoughts and prayers...an odd thing to send via blogging ether, but they are heartfelt xxx