Friday, June 3, 2011

Fear

Something great has happened to me. I am beyond happy and excited about this new found "thing" in my life.  But behind this happiness is a huge and profound fear that I am going to wake up and it will simply not be true. Like it was just a dream I had.

No matter what evidence keeps revealing itself as the days go on, I simply cannot accept the fact that this is indeed happening. At every moment, I keep feeling as though the real truth is breathing down my neck.  It paralyzes the happiness I should be feeling, and leaves me feeling hollow and empty.

My husband keeps telling me that this is in fact, a reality, that this thing is happening. But I can't bring myself to believe it. And when I try, I feel like I'm just fooling myself.

You may think I'm crazy. And you may be right. I am also being vastly paranoid and delusional, I'll admit that. And there's a huge part of me that feels like all of these negative feelings are going to be projected to the universe and really ruin my reality. But I can't help it!

We worked so damned hard and we have been through so much in trying to conceive this child that I cannot believe that after 9 months of trying, it's real. It feels like a fantasy. The emotional roller coaster we've been on has lead us to be prepared for this moment.  But I had already given up hope. So what happens now? I mean, does anyone blame me for feeling this way?

But...I am pregnant. Finally. And it feels surreal, fake almost. On one hand I am over the moon, bursting with joy. And on the other, scared that it's just in my head.

Fear does funny things to people.

1 comment:

  1. I love you so hard. I'm so happy for you, darlin!

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