Monday, July 19, 2010

Run, fat girl, Run...part deux...

Today, at around 5 pm, I had made up my mind that I DID NOT want to run. No way. I was still sore from the 3 mile vertical death hike the Hubs and I went on Saturday afternoon.(Moderate my ass) At 5pm, I was convinced that I would just do it tomorrow, even though after busting my ass for 12 hours at work I knew I wouldn't go then either. 5:15, I told my husband I didn't want to go. He didn't push me to go, just said, yes, don't run...jog. (As if there were a difference when you're this fat, smart ass.) So I thought about it, conflict erupting in my head, struggling back and forth like a game of tug-of-war.

bad me: just don't go, you will go tomorrow. I mean, sure, you will have to.

good me: No! We both know for a fact that you will NOT go tomorrow! If you don't go today, you will stop going, just like every other time you have "started and stopped" How about you break the cycle!

bad me: No, no, no! You will go tomorrow, I *promise*. And then you will go Saturday, ya on your vacation! Ya, ya! I like that plan!

good me: Just go and get it over with fat ass! You'll thank me when you look at the scale Sunday!


I'm going. Good me is right, as always.

And I am proud that I did go to day. I pushed myself harder than last week. Added a half a mile, I could have done the whole mile but my knee was screaming at me. So I can't quit. Because it would be just like every other time I told myself, I'll just do it tomorrow. That phrase is a death sentence. Destroying all the progress I've made in the previous weeks. Keeping me here at my current HUGE weight. Holding me back, and smiling as I fail just one more time.

Well dammit! I am done failing! And I'm done feeling like crap. The only reason my knee hurts is because I'm fat. It's not made to bear this much weight! Duh! The only way to change something permanently is to break the cycle you are currently in. If you want to write more, you make the time to sit down and write. If you want to eat better, you have to stop eating the crap you are eating now. If you want to run 13 miles and not die, you start small and work your way up! If you want to lose weight, you CHANGE your life!

So, here I am feeling all awesomesauce, just like my co-worker Henry said I would  feel after my run. And I am so fucking proud that I broke the cycle. And I hope to keep on breaking it. Yesterday I was bummed because I "only" lost 2 pounds last week. But today? That's a huge deal, because I worked hard, and I earned those 2 pounds, completely legit. No crash diets, no pills, no eating 1000 calories a day. Maybe this week I'll lose 2 more. Who knows, as long as I break the cycle I am was in, I may be unstoppable this time!