Today, at around 5 pm, I had made up my mind that I DID NOT want to run. No way. I was still sore from the 3 mile vertical death hike the Hubs and I went on Saturday afternoon.(Moderate my ass) At 5pm, I was convinced that I would just do it tomorrow, even though after busting my ass for 12 hours at work I knew I wouldn't go then either. 5:15, I told my husband I didn't want to go. He didn't push me to go, just said, yes, don't run...jog. (As if there were a difference when you're this fat, smart ass.) So I thought about it, conflict erupting in my head, struggling back and forth like a game of tug-of-war.
bad me: just don't go, you will go tomorrow. I mean, sure, you will have to.
good me: No! We both know for a fact that you will NOT go tomorrow! If you don't go today, you will stop going, just like every other time you have "started and stopped" How about you break the cycle! bad me: No, no, no! You will go tomorrow, I *promise*. And then you will go Saturday, ya on your vacation! Ya, ya! I like that plan!
good me: Just go and get it over with fat ass! You'll thank me when you look at the scale Sunday!
*sigh*
I'm going. Good me is right, as always.
And I am proud that I did go to day. I pushed myself harder than last week. Added a half a mile, I could have done the whole mile but my knee was screaming at me. So I can't quit. Because it would be just like every other time I told myself, I'll just do it tomorrow. That phrase is a death sentence. Destroying all the progress I've made in the previous weeks. Keeping me here at my current HUGE weight. Holding me back, and smiling as I fail just one more time.
Well dammit! I am done failing! And I'm done feeling like crap. The only reason my knee hurts is because I'm fat. It's not made to bear this much weight! Duh! The only way to change something permanently is to break the cycle you are currently in. If you want to write more, you make the time to sit down and write. If you want to eat better, you have to stop eating the crap you are eating now. If you want to run 13 miles and not die, you start small and work your way up! If you want to lose weight, you CHANGE your life!
So, here I am feeling all awesomesauce, just like my co-worker Henry said I would feel after my run. And I am so fucking proud that I broke the cycle. And I hope to keep on breaking it. Yesterday I was bummed because I "only" lost 2 pounds last week. But today? That's a huge deal, because I worked hard, and I earned those 2 pounds, completely legit. No crash diets, no pills, no eating 1000 calories a day. Maybe this week I'll lose 2 more. Who knows, as long as I break the cycle I amwas in, I may be unstoppable this time!
So I knew this was going to happen. I would be so busy my 3 days at work I wouldn't miss my kiddo. (who is at grandma and grandpa's for 2 weeks.) Here it is my first day of 4 off and I'm completely bored out of my fucking mind. I finished a book, (that I pretty much started yesterday), finished 3 pages in E's scrapbook and now feel like I may go nuts. My hubby had work this morning and is at his class right now so I am left to entertain myself. He has the same schedule tomorrow as well. It's too damned hot outside to do pretty much anything (fuck summers in Vegas). So here I am blogging, with a case of serious writers block.
You know when I am at work I have all these brilliant thoughts about great blog subject matter, but as soon as I get a free moment to sit down and write these brilliant ideas disappear. Just like that. My ass hits the chair, my head goes blank. This leads me to believe that I will never be able to write a book. Which is a silly dream of mine. Oh well. I also dreamed of being skinny and rich! Ha!
Shit, I'm so bored even this blog is coming out boring.
author's note: Sappy, yes. Gooshy, feely-good-y? A Bit. Bitter? Somewhat.
November 2001:
This new dude was transferred to my restaurant (Olive Garden, Victorville, Ca.)
He was wicked hot, buff, dark hair with blond spikes, blue eyes....My dream boy for sure! I was 20 (lust controlled most of my decisions at that point in my life) young, stupid, single.
Every other girl in the restaurant was all giggly, introducing themselves. " Hi my name is Emily." Blech...I hate when women fall all over themselves for a new piece of meat. All I said to him that day was something to the effect of "All the girls are after you already." He said "I'm fresh meat!" Ironic, as I was just thinking the same thing...I never once introduced myself. I always preferred to be pursued, not the other way around.
Dec 4th:
After feigning interest for weeks, he comes over to my house for a "party." Parents were out of town. (Don't act surprised dad, we were young. It was mostly David's friends anyway, yell at him.) He was one of two people I invited. We made out in my room all night. (Sorry again dad.)
Dec 12th:
Had a weird dream. It was just a flash, but it was him and me, just standing there, smiling at each other, him in a tux, me in a wedding dress. Only days after our first official date.
March 2002:
Leave Olive garden to get my first "real" job as a phlebotomist. And because he was dating a skanky hostess, and making my life miserable. Didn't hear from him for months at a time, then out of the blue, he would call.
Nov 2002:
Best friend and I are talking about moving to L.A. together. I keep having that feeling like I should stay in this God-forsaken desert.
Dec 2002:
Decide to stay, for a guy, that I only see every once and a while. I'm so dumb, oh well, I'm only 21. What do I know?
We see each other off and on for the next two years.
October 2004:
I tell him I'm looking at two different collages, one out of state, one close to home. I ask him which he thinks I should go to . Bad decision on my part. Guess what he tells me. I'm heart broken, by him, for the millionth time.
Jan 2005:
Move to Las Vegas. Hate life.
Feb 2006:
He wants to get married. Not to me exactly, just ready to get married. I think It's because his younger brother is getting married in the summer.
June 2006:
We go on our first date in years, he is still in California, I in Las Vegas. It goes soooo badly, I tell my other best friend "there's NO WAY I'd marry him"
July 4th 2006:
He comes to my sister's house and meets my ENTIRE family. We have the greatest time. He acts like he has never acted before, like he loves me. We decide to get married.
July 31 2006:
He comes to visit me in Vegas, as soon as he walks in the door he asks my best friend if she wants to see the ring he bought me, I was right there. That night we go to several different romantic casinos, The Wynn, Bellagio, Paris. Nothing. At night as we are getting ready for bed, he asks me to marry him, right there in my room.
Dec 2006:
My last day at my job before I move back to California and in with him. I get a text message half way through my shift : I think I broke my leg, hit by forklift at work. In hysterics I leave work early, full "goodbye"cake in hand, rush to pack the rest of my belongings and trek out to Rancho Cucamonga. He didn't end up with a broken leg, but he almost had a broken nose compliments of me!
July 7th, 2007:
We get married after all. Even though I told him the day before that I hated him and wouldn't ever marry him. It wasn't the first time I told him that.
July 8th 2007:
Most amazing honeymoon ever in Hawaii, started feeling sicky and gross the last few days we were there. Wasn't I supposed to get my period while I was there????
July 20th 2007:
Took the ol fashioned pee test. That thing had two lines within seconds. Terrified I tell him. Planned parenthood confirms it later that day. We are going to be parents!
March 18th 2008:
Nine months later, after a traumatic delivery via emergency c-section our baby boy is born. He is the joy of our lives.
Oct 2008:
Husband loses his really great paying government job. I was a stay at home mommy.
Dec 2008:
We pack up our things and move back to Las Vegas, so I can get my great job back at the hospital out there. Our hearts break as we leave our families.I become the supporter of our family. Our marriage crumbles under the stress.
We try so hard to work things out. We never see each other as we work opposite shifts to keep the baby out of day care. I leave him a couple of times. We seriously think about divorce. But I never can go through with it.
March 2010:
After years of him looking for a decent job, we're still stuck. We start to ponder what if he joins the military? But it gets put on the back burner.
May 2010: We decide after losing our health insurance that he will join the Army. We have a few things to take care of before it's official, but we get the process started. We tell our families and they are supportive. Our marriage becomes so much stronger than before. We communicate like we never have before, we talk and dream and plan. We want to have another baby.
Last night:
The baby (who is now two) is crashed out when I come home from work. My hubby has dinner made. We sit and watch "Walk the Line" snuggling on the couch. Our love is kind of twisted and deep like June and Johnny. I wouldn't be able to live without him, and he without me. We will be like them, we are like them. We will probably end up dying with in months of each other because we are lost with out the other. All these years, all we have seen and lived through. We never could live with out the other. Once I met him, I was never a whole person again, and the same for him. We love each other passionately, we fight with each other passionately. We have traveled so many peaks and valleys out there and we are still here. Together. Three years married tomorrow.
The not so distant future:
Some day I will bawl my eyes out as he gets on a plane for his BT. I will cry every night he is away for nine weeks. But we can do it. We've done it before. And whatever this unseen life has for us we will take it head on. Together. (I must say thank the good Lord above that we didn't end up enlisting him! I can't stand to be away from him for 1 day vs 9 weeks! God works small wonders I tell ya...)
