Five

You are sitting next to me noisily munching away on some apples, and I should be using this "quiet" time to hunt for a job, but you! So darling, sweet, funny.  And smart, too smart. I can't help it, I'm so very much in love right now!

In just a few short days you will hit the big 5.  I can't believe as I sit here and look at your handsome little, chocolate peanut buttered face that the time has flown by so quickly.  The tiny strings that tie you to me are starting to unravel as you grow.  You need me less and less for some things and more and more for others.

It's been a rough year for us. A year with lots of changes, you now have a sibling who occupies lots of my time, we are trying to navigate this "issue" with you and your behavior, and we are not where we need to be as a family, both physically and spiritually.  But you keep smiling, and laughing, and learning despite it all.  Your tenacity is so admirable! Its one of the things I love most about you.

Often I feel like you got a bum deal.  You were the first born to a certifiably crazy mother who struggled with a broken brain while trying to raise a "normal" kid.  I will be forever haunted with the fact that your shortcomings in life are my failures as a parent. Please know that everything I do , little man, is for you!  All of the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The day you came into my life, you saved my life.

You are my most special gift from God; my little angel if you will! I love you from the top of your fuzzy blond head to the tips of your long, gangly toes! You will be someone great someday.  You'll be a success at anything you do, I know it. But today, you are someone great to me and you can rest in the fact that I will always be your biggest fan, your loudest cheerleader, your toughest critic, and your biggest support.

Enjoy five big guy!

Love, mom

a not so healthy reality check

It's no surprise to me that at this month's weigh in that I had gained 2.2 lbs this month.  I knew it.  I didn't do the work, didn't eat right.  I feel crappy and tired because I've been on a bit of a bender these last few days.  And the scale showed it.  And in addition to the 2.2 lbs gained this month, my lack of activity caused a whopping 7.25" (all over total) to show back up.  That was my reality check this morning.  You see, I usually fluctuate a couple pounds here and there, 2 lbs is no big deal to me, I can take that off in 1 day.  The 7.25" however....that is completely from my lack of dedication.

It is very sobering to see these numbers, as this is the first month in over 6 months that I have not seen any progress.  Usually I will see either the scale or the total inches lost go down each month regardless of effort.  Both went up and it is time to get off of this shitty plateau I've been on. Too many months I have seen a gradual decrease in my monthly activity and a blatant disregard for what I am putting into my body and that stops today.

I am a big fan of the biggest loser, as a family we watch each week and I always try to keep track of the contestants, keep "pace" with them if you will. 
"So and so lost x amount of pounds this week so she is now lighter than I am so I have to work to keep up with her." Which never happens, but I identify with one contestant and they are my "inspiration," if you will, during the season.  So in honor of the biggest loser, and my favorite trainer of all time (Jillian) I am doing my own personal biggest loser month.  I have a lot of catching up to do as I am supposed to be  about 25lbs lighter already.

My goals this month are:
* lose 5lbs each week (a tall order for me!) for a grand total of 20 lbs this month
*run 3 miles, 3x's a week
*put in 2 hours of work outs 3x's a week
*stay fiercely within the 1200-1550 calories a day range
With this plan, 5 lbs a week should be an easily obtainable goal.  It is time for me to get really serious about this, yet again, and finish what I started.  Wish me luck because I know I'm going to need it! And I will be posting my successes and or failures each week this month as well, as nothing is more motivating then having folks keep you accountable!

**I promised pictures of the color run from this month too, I know, I will dedicate a post specifically to that soon, once I am done being pissed off!!**