"Fat Amy"

            So the last time I wrote I discussed how I had a food addiction and how this has been really difficult for me to overcome.  I recently purchased some books to help me work through these issues, and both have been really helpful (if you'd like to know more about them , send me a message on my Facebook page.) They have thus far been very enlightening and have helped me to start to look at food in a new light.  It's been about three weeks and I was feeling really good, and felt like I made some progress.  Today when I got on the scale I was down five pounds even! But there was an incident today that really threw me for a loop.  Yesterday after my rounds in the hospital, I noticed a giant rip in the bum of my scrub pants, (these scrubs we are required to wear are garbage and half of my class has had them rip, no joke!) I was concerned over how long this tear had been in my pants and put it to my group of really great people, knowing they would have said something if they had noticed...No one noticed which means, whew! They must have ripped when I got in or out of my truck on the way home.  The next day at class we were all laughing and joking about it and one of my classmates offered a spare pair of his pants, I told him that I had a big butt and his pants wouldn't fit me, and after some of his insisting his pants were an XL, and they'd fit, I  told him these that I had were a 2XL.  (this alone was shameful for me, but I never put too much into it as the sizing is really weird for these scrubs too, I normally wear a large in ALL the other scrubs I've ever owned)  another classmate said "Damn! 2XL??" I really didn't bat an eyelash because I joke around about being fat with these guys all the time. At that point in time, it seemed like it didn't bother me.

           Sitting back today and reflecting on everything that happened after that point, I was wondering what made me eat like a crazy person today when I had been doing so well for the last week.  That's when I stumbled across something in my readings that hit me like a ton of bricks.  The author asked us readers to write down why we tend to eat in secrecy, away from others, and what we think other people would think if they saw us eating they way we did in secret.  "What would _____ think if he/she saw you eating what you wanted to eat in front of them?" It brought me right back to this issue today, hell, it brought me back to the third grade when the boy I liked called me thunder thighs! So I let myself have cake, and then we went and got ice cream with the kids, and then I ate so much at dinner that I felt really full. 

            I'm going to have rough days.  I'm going to have great days.  I'm going to have people who support me and people who don't understand me.  He didn't mean to be hurtful, I know that for sure, but it did hurt, and that is my fault.  I allowed myself to be in this position by making fun of me first, by trying to make light of my shitty situation to feel like it was something that is acceptable.  Be the funny fat chick, make fun of yourself first, like in Pitch Perfect, I'm fat Amy.

Seriously...I called myself out so that others wouldn't.  And it sort of backfired today. But, I realize that I can't put myself in that situation with out feeling really vulnerable, I wasn't prepared for the emotional backlash that followed and it fucked up my whole day.  But it's not ruining the rest of my life.  I'll take my tender bits, dust them off and try better tomorrow.  Taking this journey one day at a time.

The long, hard road

It has been a while.  Life gets crazy and it gets hard to keep up with these kinds of things in the daily grind.  But as it is the beginning of the month, I find myself in a real tough spot emotionally.  One I keep finding myself in over, and over again.  I recall saying I'll never go back to 200+ again once I got down to 198.  I remember crying tears of joy because, before kids, I seriously never thought I'd get that far, and I did.  And tragedy hit me and I gained 26 lbs back but with the help of my girls at work, I lost 13 of it.  Dang I worked my ass off too! I was feeling good, starting to look good(ish) and then nursing school happened. Over the course of four months I've managed to gain almost every pound I lost back.  12 of 13. Oh, I've been going to the gym, at least 3 times a week, running at least twice a week for 2 miles each go, and weight lifting 1-2 times a week too.  The issue is I have this addiction disorder (It actually runs in the family.) I am a food addict. I eat my feelings; when I'm bored, mad, sad, tired....It's been pretty bad lately.  And it's obviously not something I come right out and talk about, not seriously anyway.  You can team this up with my fancy bipolar disorder and the fact that I can blow through money like its toilet paper sometimes too.  They go hand in hand some days.  I don't even realize I'm doing it, that's the scary thing.  I walked into a store for one reason and walked out with a box of giant cookies that I ate almost half of by myself.  I was starving yesterday after clinicals and went to get lunch and grabbed ice cream too.  I spent money on TWO things I really didn't need, WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT! That's almost scary. 
I weighed myself as is customary on the first of the month, and usually when I do this I have lost something from the previous months, but these last two months my stats have gone up instead of down.  I cried as I took my measurements because I can see the damage I'm doing to myself.  Breaking through the addiction has been my biggest road block.  If I can't fix this, I can't fix me and that has never felt more real than right now in these moments. Food addiction is not something you really think about, but when you look at just the addiction part of it?  I mean, addiction is very powerful, if you can't get to the bottom of it, it never goes away.  I've seen it with my own family, you replaced one vice for another.  I've seen people who have has gastric bypass do the same thing, you exchange one vice for another.  If you can't beat the addiction altogether, you're really effed.  So I've been working on breaking down this major stronghold in my life.  I 've got a couple books I'm working out of and they both tell me that journaling is a great tool for helping to navigate through these waters, and I've been pretty dammed honest and open here in the past so here goes nothing.  I'll never quit my pursuit of finding a healthier version of myself.  I'll keep on trying until I'm either where I need to be or dead! Most of the time I post stuff here to encourage or motivate, today I'm the one who needs the encouragement and motivation! I'll keep posting as long as I physically can, it's really hard to find the time to journal with school demanding so much of my time!! But please, if you pray, pray for me, if not, send me good vibes, luck, whatever, tomorrow is Lu's b-day so pizza, ice cream, and cake.  Hooray. Just how I need to start this month off!!

The Frustration Station

Guys, it's really difficult to write and do this whole blog thing when I don't actually  have a functional computer. Trying to write on my cell phone or tablet is insane. I tried to do a video blog but my phone ran out of space for me to finish so I had to delete a bunch of pictures and by then I was just over it.  Not sure what I was thinking when I decided to get back on the weight loss diary wagon without the proper equipment. But what I do know is that this time my weight loss hasn't been coming easy. Working out and eating better haven't been giving me the results I usually get.  I even did my beloved military diet with little success. So far, the only thing I've been losing is my patience! I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I have managed to lose a couple of pounds and a couple inches, I just figured I'd be a bit better off a month in. Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint, I just need to keep reminding myself.

I am in the midst of a liver detox/cleanse right now in hopes that may help  I'll give the details and progress on that next time.  I've had issues with my enzymes being out of whack so I'm trying to be nice to my one and only liver by cleaning it out.  I will also be cutting more calories from the diet, which sucks because I like to eat more when I'm working out hard.  This bout has been much different from my previous attempts and it pisses me off!  Is it because I'm getting older? Who knows! To add injury (and I mean it quite seriously!) to insult, my knees have been loudly protesting my work outs. Much to my frustration, my efforts to run have largely been defeated by my body's tendency to want me to stay fat. I've gotten in 3 runs in the last two weeks. That's about 3 shy of my marathon training goals. I've got 12 weeks until this marathon and 2 knees that are ready for me to quit.  As it stands, this may be my last "run" and I'm pretty broken hearted about it. Running was my key to losing weight the last go around so naturally I'm a bit worried I won't be able to meet my goals.

I still have set some lofty goals for this month and would like to lose 10 lbs, and I really think that I can, it just requires some tweaking here and there. So I hope all of your efforts are going better than mine right now! Until next time, stay thirsty my friends!!

Accountability and crap

So. If you've read anything I've written in the past you know my story already. If you're new to the bitter rants of an angry overweight 30 something, let me catch you up to speed. Quickly. I was fat once. Then I started to be not so fat. And I wrote about it. The end.

Well, life took its toll and the whole "I'll never go back to being over 200 lbs" line ended up being a bunch of crap. I've seen plenty of weight loss shows with crying contestants discussing how they gained all their weight after a loved one died, and it never made any sense to me, there was a part of me that just didn't get that. Then my dad got sick. And between stress eating, and comfort eating, and eventually both numerous times over, I found myself having gained back nearly all of the weight I had previously worked so damn hard to take off. And really quickly too. Man, grief does some really effed up stuff to a person and I get it now!  Truth is, I never really knew I was grieving via food until I looked at my body, really looked at it, and saw just how big I had gotten again. That is where it became not ok for me to continue to bury my feelings, drowning them in cookies, and cake , and pizza, fast food...I mean, we all know I could go on!

I knew what I had done to myself.  And I wasn't about to do anything to fix it because it felt good, like a nice hot bath after a rough day,  I wanted to eat and be lazy because in some sick way it was helping me cope. I did go to therapy for a while and we briefly discussed why I emotionally sabotage myself, but we never found the root of it.I had stopped going by then, stopped caring, it wasn't helping much anyhow.  I tried new medications, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, even pills that help you eat less.  All with little to no success.  Ultimately, I need to get out of my own head, I've done this before, why couldn't I  to do it again? I  I can't rely on anything to do it for me.  I need to climb this mountain and get over it by myself.  It's nothing you can magically fix with a pill, which I know I've mentioned before, nor can I be lazy about it, it requires work and commitment! So I joined gym, and I signed up for a half marathon.  Nothing like throwing myself out of the pan and into the fire right there! And now I need my community more than I ever have.  To keep me accountable, to keep me sane, to keep me motivated.  So if you're in you're own personal 12th hour and need to start being a better version of you, whatever that may mean to you, toss your hat in with mine and let's climb baby! Let's grab the bull by the horns and do this!!

Day 1: 224 lbs
Goal for July: under 220.
(I've got 2 weeks left, yikes!!!)

It isn't easy

I didn't even remember what website I blogged on that's how long it has been since I have done this.  That's really strange for me.  It's not like I haven't had anything to say for over a year. But the fact that I am taking time away from studying for my big physio test tomorrow so that I can jot down my feeling today means that there are many things prattling around in the brain.

Today at work I received the dreaded call from Ethan's school.  I have been steadily getting calls a least once a week from the school about Ethan's behavior for the last 3 weeks or so.  This means that I have to leave work, head out to the school, and go fetch my child and either, calm him down and send him on his merry way back to class, or pack him up and head home.  On top of the IEP meetings and such.  He is having a rough time again this time of year, and while last year we thought it was based around a certain life trigger, this year there was no such event that could have caused this.  It's just his form of spring fever. 

Now, when I have to come and get E from school I never know what state I will find him in.  The first time I was called was because he was having an epic meltdown where he destroyed three classrooms, only for me to find him happily having lunch in the cafeteria.  The next incident he was curled up in an assistant's lap crying his eyes out, it took me an hour to get him to calm down enough for me to go back to work.  Today when I got to the school, I found Ethan in the boys restroom with a shirt and underwear on and covered in water and soap bubbles, he was in such a state that he didn't even seem to know I was there for almost ten minuets, despite me talking to him, he just looked right through me.  It was such a weird feeling. I have always said that we are "blessed" that Ethan falls into the high functioning category of the Autism spectrum, lately I don't feel that way.  It is hard.  Harder than I would ever wish for anyone to experience.  Maybe it's because he is so high functioning that we expect more from him? Maybe because of that we don't think that these types of behaviors should happen? Really though, no one told us anything. 

I cannot even begin to explain how deeply frustrating it is telling your child that every time he goes poop he has to wipe, flush, and wash, because it's a miracle if he does so without us telling him.  Or that we need to guide him through showering: Get in the shower, wash hair, wash body, get out of the shower, because if we don't  he will sit in the running water and not do a single thing.  The boy that most people see, even close family, seems perfectly normal for a 7 year old child, maybe a little quirky, but normal.  The boy we see is vastly different.  Can you imagine the emotions you would feel finding your son with out his pants and shoes on in the boys bathroom covered in soap bubbles and hearing that he peed on not only himself but was trying to pee on the aids in the bathroom trying to keep him safe too?  You'd lose your damn mind, and that's what I did.  Out of my frustration I started to cry, and I really hate crying in front of others. But I am just so damned exhausted, and frustrated, and tired.  And I feel like a failure.  I feel like I am a terrible mom.  I punish him because I don't know what else to do.  Because if I don't I am too weak and am going too easy on him. I get judged by my own family for the parenting choices I make, I am seen by my co-workers as untrustworthy since I am always having to leave work, to some of my friends I complain too much about how hard things are.  Not to mention I can always feel the weight of folks stares if we go anywhere in public and he loses his mind.  We have had people move away from us in restaurants because of the way the boys have acted.  Sometimes I think that if E was a more severe case it might be better, people would look on us with sympathy instead of with judgement.  That *might* make me feel a bit better, I don't know.

"I don't know how you do it!" I do hear that often, yes, my plate is very full.  My therapist tells me that every time I go to see her.  I just read an interesting article today that talked about this "I don't know how you do it" phrase.  Like I have a fucking choice? I can't stay home, I have to work.  I want to be home more so I have to go to school to be able to make enough money and work only one or two days a week.  I didn't get to choose to have an Autistic child or a wicked little three-nager running a muck (though there are days I really wish I'd have stayed on birth control!) But I made the choice to have kids and these were the one's I was blessed to watch over and raise and I love them NO MATTER WHAT! I had no choice in my dad dying, I have to live through that, I can't just quit and say "NOPE, NOT TODAY LIFE! You don't get to be hard!!!" So I don't know how you don't know how I do it! I have to do it. I just need love and support and understanding.  All the things that all of us moms need from each other.  Not the other junk.  And today, life wins, I am defeated.  I suck, I fail.  And that's ok, because tomorrow is a new day and a new struggle and maybe I'll win that one, and maybe I won't, but I won't ever quit. 

(I seriously need to go study so I am not proofreading :P )

August update

Here it is as promised!
This last month I hit the official year mark.  It was last July that I started taking baby steps to getting my health back on track for good, and a year after many slip ups, false starts and stupid injuries I am very proud of the 35lbs that I lost.  I would be lying if I told you I was happy with that number over a 12 month time span, but I wish it was ten or so lbs more.  But it is just a pleasant reminder that I still have lots of work to do! I'm not where I want to be yet but I am on my way, and that is the important thing! I f I lose another 35 over the course of the next 12 month then I will be pretty pleased with myself!
Remember that time I injured myself and stopped working out for like 3 months and gained like 8 lbs back? Well after a serious battle I am happy to report that those 8 lbs are gone, over the course of the last 2 months doing the bikini body mommy challenge.  I'm telling you, it costs me nothing, NOTHING to do this workout, she offers it free and it is effective! Most of the work outs are very brief, I'm talking 10-20 mins and every other day is a cardio day that can be either 45 mins (it doesn't all have to be at once either!) or 20 mins of HIIT ( high intensity interval training). You can do it! It works you hard but it's so worth the few minuets, very much!
But, I will confess that since starting work, these past 3 weeks have been wishy-washy with  my workouts, this last week, I only did *gulp* 2 of 6 workouts.  And last week wasn't much better, but I knew that the adjustment to going from full time mommy to full time working mommy was going to take its toll on my body and I am just trying to re-group and get back on the dang horse again! I am still being pretty diligent (as I am making brownies right now *for bible study, ok?*) about what I eat and allow myself one free day a week, which usually consists of a free meal and a special treat, not going nuts all dang day.
How is work you ask? Pretty dang good.  It is so much more laid back than a hospital setting, I may never go back to that! I get lots of praise from my managers and from patients, something I rarely got anywhere else and I feel really good about the work I am doing.  The kids have adjusted really well, actually,  I am the one who has a hard time leaving them behind with out getting emotional, most days I drive away from E's school a bit misty eyed, but my work is rewarding and the time away from the boys is what I really needed.  I got my first paycheck Friday and spoiled myself a wee bit. It feels nice to be making a financial contribution to the family again. 
Ethan is doing really well in school and the school psych says he is functioning better than some of the "normal" kids in his class and we have therefore decided to not seek out special ed classes fo rhim at this time, the only thing we are dealing with is the subject matter that they are currently learning is a bit remedial for E and we are investigating bumping him up to first grade.  We have parent teacher conferences next week and will go from there.
But, back to fitness. I signed up for the Tinkerbell 10k (6 miles) in January and need to start training again for that. The goal is to PR my mile time to 10 mins per mile and finish in about an hour, this would be setting me up for the half that will be run next year as well.  I keep saying I want to do one and I chicken out! So committing to a 10k is a baby step in the right direction.  There's a 5k out here in Hesperia in a couple weeks that is free that I am most likely going to do, again, I'll be trying to PR my 5k time each race I run.  But to do that that would mean I need to get off my ass and start running again! So my soft goal for the month of September is to lose 5-7 more lbs, putting me at around 190 lbs.  Just close enough to goal #2 of 176 (pre baby weight) so again, wish me luck!!!

30 day bikini body results and more

Adjusting to my new schedule of working full time has been easy so far.  I ended up feeling exhausted a few days, it kind of snuck up on me Thursday and I passed out on the couch watching bubble guppies with Lu, but week 1 of the new family lifestyle was pretty good. It has also officially been (past) 30 days on the bikini body mommy 90 day challenge and let me tell you, it is the hardest, easy workout plan I've ever done! I'm  logging a (most weeks) 6 days a week workout plan and have seen some decent results the first 30 days.  I've officially lost 5 lbs and 4" off my stomach and thighs! My two worst trouble zones! Woo hoo! And while I have done the whole day 1 vs day 30 photo thing, I still am not happy with the way my body looks showing that much skin, so perhaps those photos will be strictly before and after. 

I've been having some slow progress since I am struggling to get back into healthy eating habits post injury and it is taking a lot longer to figure my shit out this time around!  I had a couple weeks where I was stress eating like crazy, and emotional eating teamed up with PMS just is an ugly, ugly thing.  Knowing that I am still struggling with emotional eating a year after starting this process really sucks and I am not sure why I can't quite break the bad habit.  I really need to start doing some digging, of the emotional sort and get past it so I can kick my weight gain's ass! I have lost all but 3 of the 8 lbs I gained back from my stupid injury and while I personally feel like it should be better than 5 lbs and 4" I know that I should be glad for whatever results I get, because sometimes, I really haven't worked hard enough to deserve them!

I think what is hardest for me is knowing how hard I worked to get out of the 200 lbs mark only to screw up and put myself right back up there, and now I've been stuck at 201, 202 the last couple weeks, fighting to break the 200 mark again.  A place I said I never wanted to see again.  But stuff like this is going to happen, as my own dieting history has shown, and I am going to have to fight really hard to get to where I want to be.  I have to taste that desire again, I have to learn that you can't out-train an bad diet, and eat to live not live to eat, etc..... My diet is the one thing I haven't been able to beat.  I can work out a mean streak, but that means nothing if I down half a freaking pizza in one sitting.  Usually when my eating turns to crap I can remedy this by doing the handy 3-day military diet, but I have not even been motivated enough to do that.  Ugh, I guess I've just hit a rough patch. 

My official update will be on the 4th, just like every other month and I'm hoping I can take those last 3 lbs off, maybe a couple more??  Wish me luck, I still really need it!!!