For the past year I have been getting regular bikini waxing done. While this in itself is quite the experience, I’ve tolerated it well. My first wax was a Brazilian at a place called the pretty kitty. It was...uncomfortable, and a little embarrassing (the on all fours spreading your cheeks kind of embarrassing) But shaving leaves me very uncomfortable, with terrible razor burn, and after the first wax, I swore I’d not shave my bikini area again.
However, I don’t always have the time to go get a wax. And let’s be honest, the cost and uncomfortable feeling of someone being knee deep in your goods, ripping hair from my tender regions leaves me cold and I put it off. I looked into a couple of places in the desert that offer laser hair removal after my friend got a few areas done, but it was really expensive and I don’t have time to drive down the hill for that. So..... I bought an at home waxing kit thinking, how hard can it be?
Well, it was pretty rough.
The kit contained the wax, some popsicle sticks, and the cloth strips, so I read the directions and went to town. The first few strips weren’t bad, I’m pretty used to the feeling by now and it didn’t bother me, at first...the further south I worked, the worse things got. I had to turn myself into a human pretzel to get the “leg pits” as my kids call them. That’s where the pain started, I put the wax on too thick in some places and had to go back and redo spots. Where a typical wax would take around 20 mins this took me over an hour. There was sweat, blood, and tears, no joke! My thighs are actually bruised, it hurts to walk and I’m probably more humiliated now then spreading my butt cheeks for a 115 lb, 20 year old girl who just got her esthetician license. It’s not pretty, I didn’t finish, and I’ll never do it again. Just pay to get your girl parts waxed!
I’m not the hero you all want but I’m the hero you all deserve. You’re welcome.
This is no gimmick post. I'm not pushing some miracle cure or instant fix. I just lost 20 lbs the RIGHT way. Slowly, painfully, and committed to my own success.
In October of 2016, I stepped on the scale and saw a number I have not seen since I was pregnant over four years ago. I had also gotten a report on my cholesterol and liver function that basically told me to fix it or die from a lifetime of unhealthy eating habits. I had always wondered what exactly it was that some women had to just say enough is enough and never look back. I have dieted in the past, hell, this entire blog is dedicated to just that! My past failures, my mistakes, my lack of committing. This was my moment. This moment was the I'm done moment. How do I know? I 've never felt so committed to this process.
I hate to tell you if you are looking for an easy fix for the years of bad habits, you won't find them here or in any diet. You need to feel it in you and want to do ANYTHING it takes to fix it. I have always wanted to get my weight in-check more than anything else, but I seriously lacked the motivation. You aren't ready if you can't commit to eating clean and healthy foods. Not just for a week or two, Always! There's no weekly trips to In-N-Out, no trips to Starbucks(I know, I am sorry but I miss it too!) Not that you need to quit cold turkey, because that can eff up your plans too, but you need to be ready to sacrifice these luxuries until your metabolism gets itself back on track, and then only in moderation!! You are also not ready if you can't commit to working out 4-5 days a week for 45 mins to an hour! Science says that to achieve lasting weight loss you must do at least this MINUMUM amount of time! You aren't ready if you can't do that. You will lose some weight at first but you will hit a plateau and it will piss you off and may cause you to quit. I'm sorry! There are days I hate working out, but I know that I need it like I need oxygen. You need a support system. You are not ready if your spouse or S.O. is not on board. It makes life very difficult if you are making regular meals for your family and healthy meals for you. Eating healthy never killed anyone! Sorry again but it is not a solo mission! You need the support from at least one other person to keep you motivated, find that person and make them hold you accountable!! (I'm always here for you all you know that right?) And lastly, you need to break the cycle between your emotions and food. If you aren't ready psychologically, you aren't ready at all! If you can't fix the thing in you that is broken this won't last. Believe me, I have been through all of these things, and I have failed so badly!
If you want it, you've got to do all of these things. It is not easy, you have to be ready to change your life. To save your life! I have only learned as much from my own failures and if I can tell you anything it is that you are worth it, the hard work is worth it!
I currently work out 4-5 days a week for an hour and spend a fortune on a fantastic gym that challenges me every day. The trainer is fantastic and makes it a point to get personal with you. There is a huge support group both in the classes and online that helps push me along too. Seeing the success of my peers helps keep me motivated. Our trainer has a saying, WIT-whatever it takes! Be that the pain of sweating it out in the gym, pushing harder on a walk or run, or whatever it takes for you to succeed! If you can't do 45 mins, work up to it. You'd better believe that first class I took I needed my inhaler and an ambulance (not really) but now I feel so strong I push myself harder each class.
I also stopped eating crap. I read a book on emotional eating and I don't deprive myself, I listen to what my body really wants, determine if this is an emotional choice or a hunger choice. If I am really craving something, I have it. If you deny yourself, you end up binging on other crap trying to fill the void and you still won't be satisfied. Eat what you want, get it over with and move on. I still feel guilty but I know that I am working hard and I am also not perfect! Guilt isn't normal. We have trained our brains to feel shameful for wanting something and that is not wrong! We do deserve some self-love, just don't make it from food! If you can, please pick up a book on emotional eating, it helps you heal on the inside while you are healing on the outside.
I also eat really clean. If you've been reading, you know sugar is my weakness. Imagine how the holidays went for me! I ate great food, I ate sugar, I ate fat...I lived! I gained a couple of pounds and felt like crap, but I jumped back into my plan. In all honesty, I haven't really craved the crap stuff at all since I've been on this kick. I may have a treat or two during the week, but I keep it small and simple. Don't tempt yourself with junk in the house, keep treats you enjoy, but don't particularly love. For me, M&M's are something I like, but I can feel ok with just 3-4 pieces, so I keep that around for those desperate moments. Unlike having cookies in the house.... so far it's working! If you want sugar, try fruit, at first it doesn't seem appealing but it becomes a habit!
Celebrate the small victories and forgive the mistakes. I hit a nasty plateau where for 3 weeks I worked my ass off and the scale didn't budge. I spent one week sulking about it and was just pissed off and bitchy to everyone. This doesn't help you! Trust your body and trust in the process! That is what I told myself and the weight started coming off again. And I'll tell myself that same thing during the next plateau because it won't stop at one! Be patient. Some weeks you may lose 4-5 lbs, and some weeks you may lose 1 or maintain. Hell, I even had the scale go up! But trust in the process, and it is a long process to create a new lifestyle!
I know it is frustrating. I know it is hard. I'm only an expert at what doesn't work. Shit, I'm pep-talking myself just as much as you, dear reader! But keep at it and you will find the secret to your own success! I hope this helps, and I will try to update as much as I can!
Let this year be your best year!!
Ugh...frustration is all that I feel right now. Despite working out 4-6 days a week and eating healthier most days, I managed to gain back some of the 6 lbs I lost the first two weeks of bikini body mommy workouts. I blame my impending period (I seriously hate being a girl most days...) and added workouts which make you very hungry. I haven't retaken measurements yet, I try to keep that around the first part of the month so I just took a set for June, and hadn't made much progress from the first week of the challenge with those so I have no idea if I am losing inches (I don't feel like it) or not. I made a deal with the husband to have him encourage me to work out and eat better and give him some (wink, wink) incentive if I lost over my goal weight for the month. So far that encouragement has come in the form of, "Don't eat that" twice in 2 weeks. Thanks for the encouragement love!! Not...I have to remind myself that my body's metabolism is still in the mind set of maintaining my weight, I haven't put forth enough combined diet and exercise to trick it into speeding up just yet, so let's change the plans for the remaining days in June to hit my 7lbs target.
Work outs need to have at least 3 of 6 days with 1 hour or more of exercise. Continue to eat 1700-1500 calories daily (no more cheating...sad face) and hope for the best come July 1st. I can do this.....right?? It is so hard, school makes me so tired and consumes so much of my time that I feel like any extra time I have I should be studying, and even then, with the current events in the world I find it hard to find motivation to push on for myself. I'd rather wallow in sadness. But it needs to be done and Rome wasn't built in a day, or even a month so I will continue on and fix the process as needed.
That's right, we're a damn Rolls-Royce, dammit!!!!!
Accountability is key. Especially with any weight loss program. Every time I start out on a new "expedition, " I look for a friend or two to join me. I always get a couple likes on the facebook page, but no one every really commits. And that's ok, I know everyone has their own lives and stuff...but this journey is never easy and it makes life rough when you have to do it solo. Maybe that's why I can never really commit whole-heartedly to the process. I recently (ok, today) started another round of the bikini body mommy work out, which I have done before, but have never finished. Well, I really want to finish it this time. Like me, the hostess Brianna, has 60 lbs (post partum, she just had an adorable baby) and I know she will kill it and look fabulous in no time! I may finish the 90 day challenge, I may get half way...I don't know, its hard to say... but for now I'll be song for the ride. (If you haven't checked out her program, I seriously encourage you to do so at bikinibodymommy.com
In the last couple of posts I have discussed my emotional eating problem and can tell you that while I have had no success on the scale, I am becoming very much more aware of the things, times, feelings, ect when I eat. Baby steps I guess, truth is, I'm being a stubborn ass and while knowing that I really am not hungry, I just haven't cared that much. With the stress of the final two weeks of my first semester in nursing school, eating was all I could do to keep sane, and the mentality just kind of stuck. But hopefully I am back on track with this new program, and the pounds will start melting off again. I set a very small goal of losing only 7 lbs this month (ok, that doesn't really seem too small) but I know that I can achieve this easily, having gained about this much in the past few months of school. Yikes...
My game plan is to continue the BBM workouts daily and supplement a couple of run days with a couple of extra weight lifting days. I noticed a HUGE difference in my endurance during the BBM workout day 1 fit test than I have seen in previous attempts, I was able to do more on certain moves than in the past! Go weightlifting!! I may do an entire post on how amazing lifting is for weightloss vs just cardio one of these days. And I will (ugh, Iam going to hate my life for commtting like this) post my before pictures and stats for this current challenge (not going to say when!!) So keep posted!! If you haven't liked the Diary of an Angry Fat Chick facebook page do so here. On this page I will post little bonuses, like perhaps some vlogs?? Recipies??? Fun things???? So go there if you want more!
So the last time I wrote I discussed how I had a food addiction and how this has been really difficult for me to overcome. I recently purchased some books to help me work through these issues, and both have been really helpful (if you'd like to know more about them , send me a message on my Facebook page.) They have thus far been very enlightening and have helped me to start to look at food in a new light. It's been about three weeks and I was feeling really good, and felt like I made some progress. Today when I got on the scale I was down five pounds even! But there was an incident today that really threw me for a loop. Yesterday after my rounds in the hospital, I noticed a giant rip in the bum of my scrub pants, (these scrubs we are required to wear are garbage and half of my class has had them rip, no joke!) I was concerned over how long this tear had been in my pants and put it to my group of really great people, knowing they would have said something if they had noticed...No one noticed which means, whew! They must have ripped when I got in or out of my truck on the way home. The next day at class we were all laughing and joking about it and one of my classmates offered a spare pair of his pants, I told him that I had a big butt and his pants wouldn't fit me, and after some of his insisting his pants were an XL, and they'd fit, I told him these that I had were a 2XL. (this alone was shameful for me, but I never put too much into it as the sizing is really weird for these scrubs too, I normally wear a large in ALL the other scrubs I've ever owned) another classmate said "Damn! 2XL??" I really didn't bat an eyelash because I joke around about being fat with these guys all the time. At that point in time, it seemed like it didn't bother me.
Sitting back today and reflecting on everything that happened after that point, I was wondering what made me eat like a crazy person today when I had been doing so well for the last week. That's when I stumbled across something in my readings that hit me like a ton of bricks. The author asked us readers to write down why we tend to eat in secrecy, away from others, and what we think other people would think if they saw us eating they way we did in secret. "What would _____ think if he/she saw you eating what you wanted to eat in front of them?" It brought me right back to this issue today, hell, it brought me back to the third grade when the boy I liked called me thunder thighs! So I let myself have cake, and then we went and got ice cream with the kids, and then I ate so much at dinner that I felt really full.
I'm going to have rough days. I'm going to have great days. I'm going to have people who support me and people who don't understand me. He didn't mean to be hurtful, I know that for sure, but it did hurt, and that is my fault. I allowed myself to be in this position by making fun of me first, by trying to make light of my shitty situation to feel like it was something that is acceptable. Be the funny fat chick, make fun of yourself first, like in Pitch Perfect, I'm fat Amy.
Seriously...I called myself out so that others wouldn't. And it sort of backfired today. But, I realize that I can't put myself in that situation with out feeling really vulnerable, I wasn't prepared for the emotional backlash that followed and it fucked up my whole day. But it's not ruining the rest of my life. I'll take my tender bits, dust them off and try better tomorrow. Taking this journey one day at a time.
It has been a while. Life gets crazy and it gets hard to keep up with these kinds of things in the daily grind. But as it is the beginning of the month, I find myself in a real tough spot emotionally. One I keep finding myself in over, and over again. I recall saying I'll never go back to 200+ again once I got down to 198. I remember crying tears of joy because, before kids, I seriously never thought I'd get that far, and I did. And tragedy hit me and I gained 26 lbs back but with the help of my girls at work, I lost 13 of it. Dang I worked my ass off too! I was feeling good, starting to look good(ish) and then nursing school happened. Over the course of four months I've managed to gain almost every pound I lost back. 12 of 13. Oh, I've been going to the gym, at least 3 times a week, running at least twice a week for 2 miles each go, and weight lifting 1-2 times a week too. The issue is I have this addiction disorder (It actually runs in the family.) I am a food addict. I eat my feelings; when I'm bored, mad, sad, tired....It's been pretty bad lately. And it's obviously not something I come right out and talk about, not seriously anyway. You can team this up with my fancy bipolar disorder and the fact that I can blow through money like its toilet paper sometimes too. They go hand in hand some days. I don't even realize I'm doing it, that's the scary thing. I walked into a store for one reason and walked out with a box of giant cookies that I ate almost half of by myself. I was starving yesterday after clinicals and went to get lunch and grabbed ice cream too. I spent money on TWO things I really didn't need, WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT! That's almost scary.
I weighed myself as is customary on the first of the month, and usually when I do this I have lost something from the previous months, but these last two months my stats have gone up instead of down. I cried as I took my measurements because I can see the damage I'm doing to myself. Breaking through the addiction has been my biggest road block. If I can't fix this, I can't fix me and that has never felt more real than right now in these moments. Food addiction is not something you really think about, but when you look at just the addiction part of it? I mean, addiction is very powerful, if you can't get to the bottom of it, it never goes away. I've seen it with my own family, you replaced one vice for another. I've seen people who have has gastric bypass do the same thing, you exchange one vice for another. If you can't beat the addiction altogether, you're really effed. So I've been working on breaking down this major stronghold in my life. I 've got a couple books I'm working out of and they both tell me that journaling is a great tool for helping to navigate through these waters, and I've been pretty dammed honest and open here in the past so here goes nothing. I'll never quit my pursuit of finding a healthier version of myself. I'll keep on trying until I'm either where I need to be or dead! Most of the time I post stuff here to encourage or motivate, today I'm the one who needs the encouragement and motivation! I'll keep posting as long as I physically can, it's really hard to find the time to journal with school demanding so much of my time!! But please, if you pray, pray for me, if not, send me good vibes, luck, whatever, tomorrow is Lu's b-day so pizza, ice cream, and cake. Hooray. Just how I need to start this month off!!
Guys, it's really difficult to write and do this whole blog thing when I don't actually have a functional computer. Trying to write on my cell phone or tablet is insane. I tried to do a video blog but my phone ran out of space for me to finish so I had to delete a bunch of pictures and by then I was just over it. Not sure what I was thinking when I decided to get back on the weight loss diary wagon without the proper equipment. But what I do know is that this time my weight loss hasn't been coming easy. Working out and eating better haven't been giving me the results I usually get. I even did my beloved military diet with little success. So far, the only thing I've been losing is my patience! I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I have managed to lose a couple of pounds and a couple inches, I just figured I'd be a bit better off a month in. Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint, I just need to keep reminding myself.
I am in the midst of a liver detox/cleanse right now in hopes that may help I'll give the details and progress on that next time. I've had issues with my enzymes being out of whack so I'm trying to be nice to my one and only liver by cleaning it out. I will also be cutting more calories from the diet, which sucks because I like to eat more when I'm working out hard. This bout has been much different from my previous attempts and it pisses me off! Is it because I'm getting older? Who knows! To add injury (and I mean it quite seriously!) to insult, my knees have been loudly protesting my work outs. Much to my frustration, my efforts to run have largely been defeated by my body's tendency to want me to stay fat. I've gotten in 3 runs in the last two weeks. That's about 3 shy of my marathon training goals. I've got 12 weeks until this marathon and 2 knees that are ready for me to quit. As it stands, this may be my last "run" and I'm pretty broken hearted about it. Running was my key to losing weight the last go around so naturally I'm a bit worried I won't be able to meet my goals.
I still have set some lofty goals for this month and would like to lose 10 lbs, and I really think that I can, it just requires some tweaking here and there. So I hope all of your efforts are going better than mine right now! Until next time, stay thirsty my friends!!
So. If you've read anything I've written in the past you know my story already. If you're new to the bitter rants of an angry overweight 30 something, let me catch you up to speed. Quickly. I was fat once. Then I started to be not so fat. And I wrote about it. The end.
Well, life took its toll and the whole "I'll never go back to being over 200 lbs" line ended up being a bunch of crap. I've seen plenty of weight loss shows with crying contestants discussing how they gained all their weight after a loved one died, and it never made any sense to me, there was a part of me that just didn't get that. Then my dad got sick. And between stress eating, and comfort eating, and eventually both numerous times over, I found myself having gained back nearly all of the weight I had previously worked so damn hard to take off. And really quickly too. Man, grief does some really effed up stuff to a person and I get it now! Truth is, I never really knew I was grieving via food until I looked at my body, really looked at it, and saw just how big I had gotten again. That is where it became not ok for me to continue to bury my feelings, drowning them in cookies, and cake , and pizza, fast food...I mean, we all know I could go on!
I knew what I had done to myself. And I wasn't about to do anything to fix it because it felt good, like a nice hot bath after a rough day, I wanted to eat and be lazy because in some sick way it was helping me cope. I did go to therapy for a while and we briefly discussed why I emotionally sabotage myself, but we never found the root of it.I had stopped going by then, stopped caring, it wasn't helping much anyhow. I tried new medications, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, even pills that help you eat less. All with little to no success. Ultimately, I need to get out of my own head, I've done this before, why couldn't I to do it again? I I can't rely on anything to do it for me. I need to climb this mountain and get over it by myself. It's nothing you can magically fix with a pill, which I know I've mentioned before, nor can I be lazy about it, it requires work and commitment! So I joined gym, and I signed up for a half marathon. Nothing like throwing myself out of the pan and into the fire right there! And now I need my community more than I ever have. To keep me accountable, to keep me sane, to keep me motivated. So if you're in you're own personal 12th hour and need to start being a better version of you, whatever that may mean to you, toss your hat in with mine and let's climb baby! Let's grab the bull by the horns and do this!!
Day 1: 224 lbs
Goal for July: under 220.
(I've got 2 weeks left, yikes!!!)
I didn't even remember what website I blogged on that's how long it has been since I have done this. That's really strange for me. It's not like I haven't had anything to say for over a year. But the fact that I am taking time away from studying for my big physio test tomorrow so that I can jot down my feeling today means that there are many things prattling around in the brain.
Today at work I received the dreaded call from Ethan's school. I have been steadily getting calls a least once a week from the school about Ethan's behavior for the last 3 weeks or so. This means that I have to leave work, head out to the school, and go fetch my child and either, calm him down and send him on his merry way back to class, or pack him up and head home. On top of the IEP meetings and such. He is having a rough time again this time of year, and while last year we thought it was based around a certain life trigger, this year there was no such event that could have caused this. It's just his form of spring fever.
Now, when I have to come and get E from school I never know what state I will find him in. The first time I was called was because he was having an epic meltdown where he destroyed three classrooms, only for me to find him happily having lunch in the cafeteria. The next incident he was curled up in an assistant's lap crying his eyes out, it took me an hour to get him to calm down enough for me to go back to work. Today when I got to the school, I found Ethan in the boys restroom with a shirt and underwear on and covered in water and soap bubbles, he was in such a state that he didn't even seem to know I was there for almost ten minuets, despite me talking to him, he just looked right through me. It was such a weird feeling. I have always said that we are "blessed" that Ethan falls into the high functioning category of the Autism spectrum, lately I don't feel that way. It is hard. Harder than I would ever wish for anyone to experience. Maybe it's because he is so high functioning that we expect more from him? Maybe because of that we don't think that these types of behaviors should happen? Really though, no one told us anything.
I cannot even begin to explain how deeply frustrating it is telling your child that every time he goes poop he has to wipe, flush, and wash, because it's a miracle if he does so without us telling him. Or that we need to guide him through showering: Get in the shower, wash hair, wash body, get out of the shower, because if we don't he will sit in the running water and not do a single thing. The boy that most people see, even close family, seems perfectly normal for a 7 year old child, maybe a little quirky, but normal. The boy we see is vastly different. Can you imagine the emotions you would feel finding your son with out his pants and shoes on in the boys bathroom covered in soap bubbles and hearing that he peed on not only himself but was trying to pee on the aids in the bathroom trying to keep him safe too? You'd lose your damn mind, and that's what I did. Out of my frustration I started to cry, and I really hate crying in front of others. But I am just so damned exhausted, and frustrated, and tired. And I feel like a failure. I feel like I am a terrible mom. I punish him because I don't know what else to do. Because if I don't I am too weak and am going too easy on him. I get judged by my own family for the parenting choices I make, I am seen by my co-workers as untrustworthy since I am always having to leave work, to some of my friends I complain too much about how hard things are. Not to mention I can always feel the weight of folks stares if we go anywhere in public and he loses his mind. We have had people move away from us in restaurants because of the way the boys have acted. Sometimes I think that if E was a more severe case it might be better, people would look on us with sympathy instead of with judgement. That *might* make me feel a bit better, I don't know.
"I don't know how you do it!" I do hear that often, yes, my plate is very full. My therapist tells me that every time I go to see her. I just read an interesting article today that talked about this "I don't know how you do it" phrase. Like I have a fucking choice? I can't stay home, I have to work. I want to be home more so I have to go to school to be able to make enough money and work only one or two days a week. I didn't get to choose to have an Autistic child or a wicked little three-nager running a muck (though there are days I really wish I'd have stayed on birth control!) But I made the choice to have kids and these were the one's I was blessed to watch over and raise and I love them NO MATTER WHAT! I had no choice in my dad dying, I have to live through that, I can't just quit and say "NOPE, NOT TODAY LIFE! You don't get to be hard!!!" So I don't know how you don't know how I do it! I have to do it. I just need love and support and understanding. All the things that all of us moms need from each other. Not the other junk. And today, life wins, I am defeated. I suck, I fail. And that's ok, because tomorrow is a new day and a new struggle and maybe I'll win that one, and maybe I won't, but I won't ever quit.
(I seriously need to go study so I am not proofreading :P )
Here it is as promised!
This last month I hit the official year mark. It was last July that I started taking baby steps to getting my health back on track for good, and a year after many slip ups, false starts and stupid injuries I am very proud of the 35lbs that I lost. I would be lying if I told you I was happy with that number over a 12 month time span, but I wish it was ten or so lbs more. But it is just a pleasant reminder that I still have lots of work to do! I'm not where I want to be yet but I am on my way, and that is the important thing! I f I lose another 35 over the course of the next 12 month then I will be pretty pleased with myself!
Remember that time I injured myself and stopped working out for like 3 months and gained like 8 lbs back? Well after a serious battle I am happy to report that those 8 lbs are gone, over the course of the last 2 months doing the bikini body mommy challenge. I'm telling you, it costs me nothing, NOTHING to do this workout, she offers it free and it is effective! Most of the work outs are very brief, I'm talking 10-20 mins and every other day is a cardio day that can be either 45 mins (it doesn't all have to be at once either!) or 20 mins of HIIT ( high intensity interval training). You can do it! It works you hard but it's so worth the few minuets, very much!
But, I will confess that since starting work, these past 3 weeks have been wishy-washy with my workouts, this last week, I only did *gulp* 2 of 6 workouts. And last week wasn't much better, but I knew that the adjustment to going from full time mommy to full time working mommy was going to take its toll on my body and I am just trying to re-group and get back on the dang horse again! I am still being pretty diligent (as I am making brownies right now *for bible study, ok?*) about what I eat and allow myself one free day a week, which usually consists of a free meal and a special treat, not going nuts all dang day.
How is work you ask? Pretty dang good. It is so much more laid back than a hospital setting, I may never go back to that! I get lots of praise from my managers and from patients, something I rarely got anywhere else and I feel really good about the work I am doing. The kids have adjusted really well, actually, I am the one who has a hard time leaving them behind with out getting emotional, most days I drive away from E's school a bit misty eyed, but my work is rewarding and the time away from the boys is what I really needed. I got my first paycheck Friday and spoiled myself a wee bit. It feels nice to be making a financial contribution to the family again.
Ethan is doing really well in school and the school psych says he is functioning better than some of the "normal" kids in his class and we have therefore decided to not seek out special ed classes fo rhim at this time, the only thing we are dealing with is the subject matter that they are currently learning is a bit remedial for E and we are investigating bumping him up to first grade. We have parent teacher conferences next week and will go from there.
But, back to fitness. I signed up for the Tinkerbell 10k (6 miles) in January and need to start training again for that. The goal is to PR my mile time to 10 mins per mile and finish in about an hour, this would be setting me up for the half that will be run next year as well. I keep saying I want to do one and I chicken out! So committing to a 10k is a baby step in the right direction. There's a 5k out here in Hesperia in a couple weeks that is free that I am most likely going to do, again, I'll be trying to PR my 5k time each race I run. But to do that that would mean I need to get off my ass and start running again! So my soft goal for the month of September is to lose 5-7 more lbs, putting me at around 190 lbs. Just close enough to goal #2 of 176 (pre baby weight) so again, wish me luck!!!
Adjusting to my new schedule of working full time has been easy so far. I ended up feeling exhausted a few days, it kind of snuck up on me Thursday and I passed out on the couch watching bubble guppies with Lu, but week 1 of the new family lifestyle was pretty good. It has also officially been (past) 30 days on the bikini body mommy 90 day challenge and let me tell you, it is the hardest, easy workout plan I've ever done! I'm logging a (most weeks) 6 days a week workout plan and have seen some decent results the first 30 days. I've officially lost 5 lbs and 4" off my stomach and thighs! My two worst trouble zones! Woo hoo! And while I have done the whole day 1 vs day 30 photo thing, I still am not happy with the way my body looks showing that much skin, so perhaps those photos will be strictly before and after.
I've been having some slow progress since I am struggling to get back into healthy eating habits post injury and it is taking a lot longer to figure my shit out this time around! I had a couple weeks where I was stress eating like crazy, and emotional eating teamed up with PMS just is an ugly, ugly thing. Knowing that I am still struggling with emotional eating a year after starting this process really sucks and I am not sure why I can't quite break the bad habit. I really need to start doing some digging, of the emotional sort and get past it so I can kick my weight gain's ass! I have lost all but 3 of the 8 lbs I gained back from my stupid injury and while I personally feel like it should be better than 5 lbs and 4" I know that I should be glad for whatever results I get, because sometimes, I really haven't worked hard enough to deserve them!
I think what is hardest for me is knowing how hard I worked to get out of the 200 lbs mark only to screw up and put myself right back up there, and now I've been stuck at 201, 202 the last couple weeks, fighting to break the 200 mark again. A place I said I never wanted to see again. But stuff like this is going to happen, as my own dieting history has shown, and I am going to have to fight really hard to get to where I want to be. I have to taste that desire again, I have to learn that you can't out-train an bad diet, and eat to live not live to eat, etc..... My diet is the one thing I haven't been able to beat. I can work out a mean streak, but that means nothing if I down half a freaking pizza in one sitting. Usually when my eating turns to crap I can remedy this by doing the handy 3-day military diet, but I have not even been motivated enough to do that. Ugh, I guess I've just hit a rough patch.
My official update will be on the 4th, just like every other month and I'm hoping I can take those last 3 lbs off, maybe a couple more?? Wish me luck, I still really need it!!!
So we participated in an other awesome 5k this past weekend in Las Vegas, this time it was a family affair
I saw a friend advertise this event on her facebook page, she participates in many of the runs out there in Vegas, and I figured it would be an awesome mini vacation for us all. Heck it is summer and what sounds more fun than running through the streets of Vegas being blasted by water at every turn?
It was the first edition of this run, so it was a bit of an experiment, and while it was well organized and pretty fun, it was certainly lacking. There were 4 areas where you were blasted with water, the first was an icy tunnel that had a few fans and some misters, so we did not get very wet at all.
It was alright, just enough to cool you down a bit. We had to go almost a mile before seeing or coming across another "event", a water truck going up and down S. Las Vegas Blvd. It was pretty brief but we got a bit wet. I was a little bored at this point and we engaged in our own water bottle fight. Lucas did not enjoy getting wet at all.
(Nice stink face, eh?) Next we came up on a trolley with 7 people on it with water guns. Didn't get very wet there either, a bit disappointed. We then spent almost the entire last 1.5 miles just running the streets of Vegas. As we rounded the last street there was the water cannon station where we got the most wet, I was hoping the whole race would have been a bit more like that spot, there were lots of people at that part so you really got soaked. Again, all it did was piss Lu off even more. That lead you to the popsicle area which was pretty cool and to the finish of a slip and slide, which two of the four were broken.
Didn't stop my E and C from going down it! The end of race party had a water truck and misting station so we got plenty wet then. My overall opinion on the race was that it was pretty fun, a bit boring as the stations were spread out too far, but I can see the potential for this to be epic in the years to come. It went well for it's first try and we would do it again. Well, 3 of the 4 of us anyhow.
Ya, I just went there. But it's time to get cracking ladies and gents!
This officially concludes the first year of me working my butt off and losing over 30 lbs. No more sad, frumpy, boring mommy moments for me.
So long! I'm working towards getting back into my pre-children shape, and I've got about 20 lbs to go.
I'm sitting around 178 in this photo, and I'd like to do even better than that and take off another 20 lbs making this years goal total 40 lbs to lose. That would put me right around 160 ish, once I get there if I choose to keep going I will, if not I'll be going into maintenance mode.
Here are the things I have learned in the past year:
*This is a process, there is no quick fix. You didn't get unhealthy overnight so don't expect to get back to healthy that way either! It takes WORK, diligent, hard work, not just a few minuets of cardio a few times a week either.
*Daily workouts. Right now, I am doing 3 days of HIIT (high intensity interval training) and 3 days of cardio for 45 mins. So aim for 5-6 days a week, anything less will not give you consistent results!
*Weight training is a must kids, muscle burns fat! Weight lifting is MORE important than cardio for weight loss! If you want to burn the fat off you need to build up the muscles under it!
*You cannot out-train a bad diet! Eat to live, don't live to eat, I still struggle almost daily with this one! I love food, too much and the love affair stops here and now!
*You are going to slip up from time to time, hell, I am still recovering from the damage I did while I was nursing an injury, instead of sticking to my diet, I turned back to food for comfort and gained weight that I worked super hard to take off! But the key here is to not give up, it's a bad day, not a bad life! Even if it is a bad couple of days, stop that crap and get your butt back in gear! Never, ever beat yourself up for screwing up, that will lead you to failure!
*Find someone, anyone to help keep you accountable! This is a really hard change to make, it would be so much harder to do alone! Even if you feel uncomfortable reaching out, know that at least I am here going through this with you and I always have an eager ear to hear! USE ME! Or find someone who will tell you to "put that cookie down and give me 20!"
*Celebrate the little things as well as the big things! So you didn't lose any weight but you lost 3" off your stomach? That is some shit to be proud of right there! Progress is progress no matter how "small."
*The scale is not your friend! I used to weigh myself every day, and then my scale broke and it is a bit liberating. Just work out and eat better to feel better, don't let the scale rule you! Weighing yourself multiple times a day is obsessive and unhealthy and it won't help you achieve your goals! Go do some squats instead if you feel tempted, the burn you'll feel after is much better than any number on the scale!
*Remember your goals. Keep the prize in sight when you don't feel motivated to work out or when you are tempted to eat like crap. Does skipping a workout get you results? Does a cheeseburger? Then ask your self if you can really afford to skip the workout or eat that cupcake!
*Lower your standards of personal "perfection." Would I love to look like this:
Um, yes please! Will I ever look like this? Not with out thousands of dollars of surgery. You know what your body is capable of, make realistic goals, like fitting into pants 4 sizes smaller or feeling confidant in a bathing suit. Not to look like someone who has a different body than yours. Cuz no matter what you do , you can't fight the shape God gave you, but you can sure as heck enhance that bad mother and feel like a goddess in your own skin!
I have been relatively absent from all things health and fitness related. Guess I needed a hiatus? As you may recall, I had a blast enjoying my injury (not,) and working really hard at losing tons of progress! Yea! And also, as you may recall, I have not had a scale. So imagine my surprise when I stepped back onto my parent's bathroom scale to find a whopping 6 pound weight gain. YIKES! Talk about a reality check, guess you can't skip working out and start eating ice cream everyday and expect to keep a minimal weight gain. So just to recap, I had injured myself in late April, and from May 4th to July 4th, only gained 2 lbs as a result. From pure laziness and stupid stress eating, I gained an additional 6 in 3 weeks. This is horrible. Like I was pretty depressed about that number for a few days, and rightly so!
But, instead of quitting, instead of shaming myself and falling back into old habits, I just dusted my ass off and hit the ground running, twice as hard! I still have a lot of work to do, as it has only been a week, and old habits y'all, they die HARD!! I have started a 90 day program from this hot momma here. These work outs are very, um, simple and easy? In all reality, they seriously kick your buns! And I need a good kick in the buns! I don't follow her eating plan verbatim, but changes are being made, little by little. I am pretty stoked I made it through one week and didn't skip a beat at all! Can't wait to see how I look in 30, 60 and 90 days. Maybe I'll post all the pictures...if you're nice...
Yesterday was a day filled with nothing but sadness and regret for me. For many of us. But it showed me something very important. Something happened in that choir room many years ago. A family was born. An incredibly large, completely insane, and dysfunctional family. And as a family we have grown, welcoming in the new, and we have lost, mourning together as one. Clinging close to each other no matter how far apart we are, no matter how many words have been spoken between the years.
I will not let another tragedy come and go with out telling you all just how much I love you. Thank you so much for being my "family", for giving me a safe harbor during the tumultuous teen and early 20 years. I rejoice with each and every one of you, with whom I am in contact, I cheer in your happiness, I cry in your sadness, I root for you, I pray for you. You and I may not speak often, or really even at all, we may just dance around each other's lives, but I still care very deeply for you! You are my family. Jason was my family. I was so proud of him. And I never told him.
Life is just too short to not take this moment and say that you are still on my mind and in my heart, wherever you go, whoever you are now, I will always cherish you and the memories we made in that choir room, tour bus, hotel room, drama room.
There's only us, there's only this, forget regret, or life is yours to miss, no other road, no other way, no day but today.
Holy cow! Had my first (second) run this week and boy did it kick my assets! My time is still pretty good, about 11:30 per mile, but it hurts like hell and I am walking way more than I'd like. It is very true what they say about a body at rest. My body fought me hard during this run today, it wanted me to quit, to walk instead of run. It was hot, and tired, and wanted to go put yoga pants on and sit around watching tv. My head, thank goodness, was having none of that! "Push, you can do it! You're almost done, just a little further!" Running is 75% mental! (for me anyhow) and I am thankful my head won that round!
It has been a rough road getting back into a normal workout routine, I am so used to this new "schedule" that it's been difficult to get out of this rut. But I am just tired of feeling like crap, tired of being tired all the time, tired of being bitchy and mean! So run I must and run I will! I even bought myself some fancy running pants! And they rock! Didn't move, ride up, slip down, did not need to be adjusted at all! Thank you dearly Old Navy for your awesome Active line! If you need workout pants, I recommend the active line 100% ( I also live in the fold-over yoga pants, seriously comfy!) I wish I was getting paid to plug them...Ahem...Old Navy...???
The goal for now is to just ease back into working out, I'm obviously going to have to take it slow as I did in the beginning, because 2.5 months off had a huge impact on my body and I've lost a lot of ground. It is discouraging to have lost so much progress (2 miles worth to be exact) but all I can do is battle it out harder. Stay positive and stay focused, I have a goal in mind to reach before I get pregnant and I have goals that will still need to be met once pregnant. I have to do the work now so it will benefit me later! Plus I'm feeling all kinds of awesome post-run over here, that should be motivation enough for me to keep going!
This is the story of how I won the argument for having another child. You see, I myself was not even convinced that we should have anymore. In fact, I had just given up on the idea. I was done. Well, I was trying to accept being done.
Anyone who knows us knows that we have been dancing around with this idea of having another child. Lucas is a very difficult, high energy little guy and my husband has a very limited amount of patience for the little ones, so in all reality, it would make sense for us to not to have any other children. Limited resources and our advancing age were also factors. I kind of knew that this was not something that was very likely.
But we do not have children for the first five years. After that, having children becomes a bit easier. They are a bit more independent, they require less one on one entertainment. But even knowing that these "fun" toddler stages will soon pass, these were not the reasons we decided to have another child.
A few nights ago, I noticed that several of Ethan's book had teeth marks on them. My first thought was that the baby was chewing on them. Well, later that day I found E chewing on one of his favorite books. Now that we are armed with the knowledge of knowing he has Autism, several memories from his infancy to now became crystal clear. He has had it all along. Everything that lead me to believe he was just a "good" baby was just the Autism. As you can imagine, I was instantly floored with my own grief. He was born this way and will be this way forever. And one day, I will not be around to protect him.
He will eventually learn to navigate in our "world" and will be able to function and appear fairly normal, if not maybe a little odd. But he will always have certain tendencies, and there will always be certain things that will be hard for him to deal with. Something that his siblings will be able to help him with when mom and dad cannot. The instant I had this thought I told my husband who, although he is hesitant, and a bit scared, agrees with me whole heartedly. These trials that we are going through now will pass and someday Chris and I (God willing, a long distance in the future) will pass on too, leaving our close knit children together to forage on without us. There is strength in numbers. Three is good. Three is strong. And three there will be! (Unless the Big Guy has other plans, like twins...)
***No, I am not currently pregnant, nor are we trying at this time, I have a few things to work on first and then, maybe in about 3-6 months we will embark on this adventure again! Also make sure you like my blog facebook page to keep up to date with any Autism, weight loss, and/or baby news?****
I know, you may be wondering what happened to my May/June update. It didn't happen. I never weighed myself, what with the big move and not working out and eating like crap and all. I did fall way off the wagon with this injury and even though I tried to get back in to things it just wasn't happening. So my leg is still giving me trouble, but it's manageable so I have decided to stop sitting around on my ass eating chocolate and doing nothing, I have come too far to quit now! I am getting all squishy again and while I am not 100% sure, I think I've gained back around 5 lbs. Yikes! Not completely ruined, but yikes.
It's hard, this process is hard, being injured is hard and scary. But being overweight is worse, pain is temporary! I've decided to use this week as a slow recommitment to my goals, so far it hasn't born much fruit, but I am not going to throw the towel in just yet. And this time around, I am not going to be jumping on the scale everyday. It was creating a monster and I am glad that my little devil child broke it pre-move, because while I am curious, I am not going to dwell on the number anymore. I will weigh myself at some point along the way but I have no intentions of buying a new scale anytime soon. It feels so liberating! I still plan on measuring every month because that is always a much better indicator of real "fat" loss. The numbers will fluctuate regardless, water weight, bowel movements, heavy workouts, all of those things will change your number. I know how I want to feel and how I want to look and that is going to be my goal from now on. I'll know when I get there!
So, to recommitting to the journey! I'll be starting off with 3, 2 mile runs for the next 2 weeks, mostly to familiarize myself with a new neighborhood, adding weight training in on my off running days, probably 2-3 times a week. Getting back to a healthy style of eating, most likely not counting calories but increasing fruit and veggie consumption and getting away from processed foods. I'll be trying to go as un-processed as I can for a while to re-set my body and to detox all the junk that's in there now! I'd like to touch base here on the blog every two weeks to help keep me accountable, and you know, so you guys can keep me from taking another "vacation?" Let me know how you are doing too! I know I'm not in this alone!
This was not the post I had intended to write today. I was going to tell you my usual monthly update on the goings on of the diet ( or lack thereof this previous month...) but something else entirely is weighing heavily on my heart and mind as of late.
I was pretty foolish to think that our sense of "happiness" would last very long, it never does. There is always "something" on the horizon, that old "waiting for the hat, shoe or whatever to drop" feeling. I knew that transition was a huge factor in my son's Autism. I knew that being out of school was going to be difficult for him, and that moving was also going to be difficult for him. Now, stupid us, we moved the week that E's school got out. And he was fine for about three days. And today? It feels like all of the progress we have made is gone. There are daily temper-tantrums, accidents, increased "ticks", and a near drowning (don't even ask!) As a parent, as the only parent who is around this sweet boy all day, it is completely devastating.
I remember even before I was anywhere near being married, I would pray that I would never have a kid that had any disabilities. I knew that I would not be able to handle that. (This was in my late teens, early twenties probably.) I knew that my patience was pretty thin, I knew I wanted to be a mom, more than anything, but I also had no idea how hard it was going to be. I just knew that I had a certain image of what I wanted my perfect family to look like, and kids with disabilities were not in that picture. I always thought that God granted those sweet souls to people who were stronger than me, people who could love and handle them. God obviously thinks I am a badass.
We never thought that anything was really wrong with E in the beginning. Chris and I just wrote his little ticks off as him being a bit quirky. Then his 3rd birthday rolled around the behaviors started to get progressively worse, after we had moved actually (just realized that one actually.) Doing what most parents do in that situation, we tried to write it off, thinking that nothing is wrong with him, he just is the way he is. After all, he was our first child, and we didn't want to say we knew something was not right about him because we really had no clue if something was not right or not. Maybe this is normal? We had nothing to base our theories on, no experience with any children other than our seemingly normal developing nephews, both who are very different from each other. And that's all we thought, our son is just different from other kids, as all children develop differently, behave differently, speak differently. Then he went to preschool. And again, the behaviors worsened.
Lucky for us, as I have heard many a horror story about children being expelled from multiple preschools, we were blessed so very much with a teacher who was willing to see the potential in our child, to not cast him out, to not just wash her hands of a difficult child. She worked with us in getting Ethan in a program to help him develop, she worked with him, learned his quirks, learned his tells and was able to meet his needs in every way. She truly loved our child, and after having anxiety for weeks about whether or not I was going to get phone calls about his behavior, and an exit notice, I began to trust that he was going to be just fine there after I dropped him off. We still had some bad days peppered here and there, and there were days where he didn't make it to school to save that long trip to go get him early, but he thrived. And you better believe I bawled on the last day of school. I am sure the other parents thought I was nuts, but they had no idea the battle we faced that year, and the Alli and friend I found in a preschool teacher.
But that had to come to an end, he can't stay in preschool forever! And here is where our current battle lies. What does Eth's educational future hold? What about his home life? When and how will he adjust to all of these changes? I know there are hard days ahead, days of adjusting our lives to a new home and to a more lucrative schedule, figuring out where on the spectrum E falls (we find out tomorrow) and what will happen next school year. But for now, I have to remember that the world seems very different to my sweet boy, that the way we perceive things is vastly different to how he does, and I have to accept that he will never have a normal life. There will be periods of adjustment all the time, there will be things he will have to learn to cope with, things we take for granted all the time. And I have to remember that this is not my fault, there was nothing that I could do to prevent it or stop it from happening to him. I never, ever asked for this, but it was given to me anyhow, and we will get by, by the grace of God, we will!
Injuries suck! This one has been the worst so far. Even the pulled hamstring that ended my dancing days didn't throw me off like this. I've been in a downward spiral for the last 4 weeks. Not working out, out of fear, eating a bunch of crap out of depression from being injured, yo-yo ing back and forth 4 lbs, feeling tired, lethargic and moody. None of it has been fun. My worst month ever in this whole process. I was trying really hard to hit the 40 lbs total lost mark this month. Can I lose 5 lbs in one week? Maybe. Am I going to push myself that hard? No.
But when the horse bucks you off you have two choices, you can be done with riding altogether, or you can get back on the horse. Today I got back on the horse. I was still afraid. I played it safe, very safe. Even before I started this process I was able to run at least a 16 min per mile pace. This run was at 17 mins per mile. I lost 6 mins of time in just 4 weeks. And that is fine, I'll get it back. I also chose to run only 2 miles, playing it safe, making sure my leg could handle at the very least that much. It held up, it was sore and each step was a painful reminder that I need to pace myself. This 2 miles were pretty difficult, and I am probably going to have to keep doing 2 miles the rest of this week and gradually work my way back up. But I refuse to let this injury stop me. My progress this month may not be so great but I am right where I need to be. Back in the saddle. Yee haw!
