Self waxing gone wrong

For the past year I have been getting regular bikini waxing done. While this in itself is quite the experience, I’ve tolerated it well. My first wax was a Brazilian at a place called the pretty kitty. It was...uncomfortable, and a little embarrassing (the on all fours spreading your cheeks kind of embarrassing) But shaving leaves me very uncomfortable, with terrible razor burn, and after the first wax, I swore I’d not shave my bikini area again.
However, I don’t always have the time to go get a wax. And let’s be honest, the cost and uncomfortable feeling of someone being knee deep in your goods, ripping hair from my tender regions leaves me cold and I put it off.  I looked into a couple of places in the desert that offer laser hair removal after my friend got a few areas done, but it was really expensive and I don’t have time to drive down the hill for that. So..... I bought an at home waxing kit thinking, how hard can it be?
Well, it was pretty rough.

The kit contained the wax, some popsicle sticks, and the cloth strips, so I read the directions and went to town. The first few strips weren’t bad, I’m pretty used to the feeling by now and it didn’t bother me, at first...the further south I worked, the worse things got.  I had to turn myself into a human pretzel to get the “leg pits” as my kids call them.  That’s where the pain started, I put the wax on too thick in some places and had to go back and redo spots.   Where a typical wax would take around 20 mins this took me over an hour.  There was sweat, blood, and tears, no joke! My thighs are actually bruised, it hurts to walk and I’m probably more humiliated now then spreading my butt cheeks for a 115 lb, 20 year old girl who just got her esthetician license.  It’s not pretty, I didn’t finish, and I’ll never do it again. Just pay to get your girl parts waxed!
I’m not the hero you all want but I’m the hero you all deserve. You’re welcome.

I just lost 20 lbs

This is no gimmick post.  I'm not pushing some miracle cure or instant fix.  I just lost 20 lbs the RIGHT way.  Slowly, painfully, and committed to my own success.
In October of 2016, I stepped on the scale and saw a number I have not seen since I was pregnant over four years ago.  I had also gotten a report on my cholesterol and liver function that basically told me to fix it or die from a lifetime of unhealthy eating habits.  I had always wondered what exactly it was that some women had to just say enough is enough and never look back.  I have dieted in the past, hell, this entire blog is dedicated to just that! My past failures, my mistakes, my lack of committing.  This was my moment.  This moment was the I'm done moment.  How do I know? I 've never felt so committed to this process.
I hate to tell you if you are looking for an easy fix for the years of bad habits, you won't find them here or in any diet.  You need to feel it in you and want to do ANYTHING it takes to fix it.  I have always wanted to get my weight in-check more than anything else, but I seriously lacked the motivation.  You aren't ready if you can't commit to eating clean and healthy foods. Not just for a week or two, Always! There's no weekly trips to In-N-Out, no trips to Starbucks(I know, I am sorry but I miss it too!)  Not that you need to quit cold turkey, because that can eff up your plans too, but you need to be ready to sacrifice these luxuries until your metabolism gets itself back on track, and then only in moderation!! You are also not ready if you can't commit to working out 4-5 days a week for 45 mins to an hour! Science says that to achieve lasting weight loss you must do at least this MINUMUM amount of time! You aren't ready if you can't do that.  You will lose some weight at first but you will hit a plateau and it will piss you off and may cause you to quit. I'm sorry! There are days I hate working out, but I know that I need it like I need oxygen.  You need a support system.  You are not ready if your spouse or S.O. is not on board.  It makes life very difficult if you are making regular meals for your family and healthy meals for you.  Eating healthy never killed anyone! Sorry again but it is not a solo mission! You need the support from at least one other person to keep you motivated, find that person and make them hold you accountable!! (I'm always here for you all you know that right?) And lastly, you need to break the cycle between your emotions and food.  If you aren't ready psychologically, you aren't ready at all! If you can't fix the thing in you that is broken this won't last.  Believe me, I have been through all of these things, and I have failed so badly! 
If you want it, you've got to do all of these things.  It is not easy, you have to be ready to change your life.  To save your life!  I have only learned as much from my own failures and if I can tell you anything it is that you are worth it, the hard work is worth it!
I currently work out 4-5 days a week for an hour and spend a fortune on a fantastic gym that challenges me every day.  The trainer is fantastic and makes it a point to get personal with you.  There is a huge support group both in the classes and online that helps push me along too.  Seeing the success of my peers helps keep me motivated. Our trainer has a saying, WIT-whatever it takes! Be that the pain of sweating it out in the gym, pushing harder on a walk or run, or whatever it takes for you to succeed! If you can't do 45 mins, work up to it.  You'd better believe that first class I took I needed my inhaler and an ambulance (not really) but now I feel so strong I push myself harder each class.
 I also stopped eating crap.  I read a book on emotional eating and I don't deprive myself, I listen to what my body really wants, determine if this is an emotional choice or a hunger choice.  If I am really craving something, I have it.  If you deny yourself, you end up binging on other crap trying to fill the void and you still won't be satisfied.  Eat what you want, get it over with and move on.  I still feel guilty but I know that I am working hard and I am also not perfect! Guilt isn't normal.  We have trained our brains to feel shameful for wanting something and that is not wrong! We do deserve some self-love, just don't make it from food! If you can, please pick up a book on emotional eating, it helps you heal on the inside while you are healing on the outside. 
I also eat really clean.  If you've been reading, you know sugar is my weakness.  Imagine how the holidays went for me! I ate great food, I ate sugar, I ate fat...I lived! I gained a couple of pounds and felt like crap, but I jumped back into my plan. In all honesty, I haven't really craved the crap stuff at all since I've been on this kick.  I may have a treat or two during the week, but I keep it small and simple.  Don't tempt yourself with junk in the house, keep treats you enjoy, but don't particularly love.  For me, M&M's are something I like, but I can feel ok with just 3-4 pieces, so I keep that around for those desperate moments. Unlike having cookies in the house.... so far it's working! If you want sugar, try fruit, at first it doesn't seem appealing but it becomes a habit!
Celebrate the small victories and forgive the mistakes.  I hit a nasty plateau where for 3 weeks I worked my ass off and the scale didn't budge.  I spent one week sulking about it and was just pissed off and bitchy to everyone.  This doesn't help you! Trust your body and trust in the process! That is what I told myself and the weight started coming off again.  And I'll tell myself that same thing during the next plateau because it won't stop at one! Be patient.  Some weeks you may lose 4-5 lbs, and some weeks you may lose 1 or maintain.  Hell, I even had the scale go up! But trust in the process, and it is a long process to create a new lifestyle!
I know it is frustrating.  I know it is hard.  I'm only an expert at what doesn't work.  Shit, I'm pep-talking myself just as much as you, dear reader! But keep at it and you will find the secret to your own success! I hope this helps, and I will try to update as much as I can!
Let this year be your best year!!

30 day progress report

Ugh...frustration is all that I feel right now.  Despite working out 4-6 days a week and eating healthier most days, I managed to gain back some of the 6 lbs I lost the first two weeks of bikini body mommy workouts.  I blame my impending period (I seriously hate being a girl most days...) and added workouts which make you very hungry.  I haven't retaken measurements yet, I try to keep that around the first part of the month so I just took a set for June, and hadn't made much progress from the first week of the challenge with those so I have no idea if I am losing inches (I don't feel like it) or not. I made a deal with the husband to have him encourage me to work out and eat better and give him some (wink, wink) incentive if I lost over my goal weight for the month.  So far that encouragement has come in the form of, "Don't eat that" twice in 2 weeks.  Thanks for the encouragement love!! Not...I have to remind myself that my body's metabolism is still in the mind set of maintaining my weight, I haven't put forth enough combined diet and exercise to trick it into speeding up just yet, so let's change the plans for the remaining days in June to hit my 7lbs target.
Work outs need to have at least 3 of 6 days with 1 hour or more of exercise.  Continue to eat 1700-1500 calories daily (no more cheating...sad face) and hope for the best come July 1st.  I can do this.....right?? It is so hard, school makes me so tired and consumes so much of my time that I feel like any extra time I have I should be studying, and even then, with the current events in the world I find it hard to find motivation to push on for myself.  I'd rather wallow in sadness. But it needs to be done and Rome wasn't built in a day, or even a month so I will continue on and fix the process as needed.

That's right, we're a damn Rolls-Royce, dammit!!!!!

Here I go again on my own...

Accountability is key.  Especially with any weight loss program.  Every time I start out on a new "expedition, " I look for a friend or two to join me.  I always get a couple likes on the facebook page, but no one every really commits.  And that's ok, I know everyone has their own lives and stuff...but this journey is never easy and it makes life rough when you have to do it solo.  Maybe that's why I can never really commit whole-heartedly to the process.  I recently (ok, today) started another round of the bikini body mommy work out, which I have done before, but have never finished.  Well, I really want to finish it this time.  Like me, the hostess Brianna, has 60 lbs (post partum, she just had an adorable baby) and I know she will kill it and look fabulous in no time! I may finish the 90 day challenge, I may get half way...I don't know, its hard to say... but for now I'll be song for the ride. (If you haven't checked out her program, I seriously encourage you to do so at bikinibodymommy.com

In the last couple of posts I have discussed my emotional eating problem and can tell you that while I have had no success on the scale, I am becoming very much more aware of the things, times, feelings, ect when I eat.  Baby steps I guess, truth is, I'm being a stubborn ass and while knowing that I really am not hungry, I just haven't cared that much.  With the stress of the final two weeks of my first semester in nursing school, eating was all I could do to keep sane, and the mentality just kind of stuck. But hopefully I am back on track with this new program, and the pounds will start melting off again.  I set a very small goal of losing only 7 lbs this month (ok, that doesn't really seem too small) but I know that I can achieve this easily, having gained about this much in the past few months of school.  Yikes...

My game plan is to continue the BBM workouts daily and supplement a couple of run days with a couple of extra weight lifting days.  I noticed a HUGE difference in my endurance during the BBM workout day 1 fit test than I have seen in previous attempts, I was able to do more on certain moves than in the past! Go weightlifting!! I may do an entire post on how amazing lifting is for weightloss vs just cardio one of these days.  And I will (ugh, Iam going to hate my life for commtting like this) post my before pictures and stats for this current challenge (not going to say when!!) So keep posted!! If you haven't liked the Diary of an Angry Fat Chick facebook page do so here. On this page I will post little bonuses, like perhaps some vlogs?? Recipies??? Fun things???? So go there if you want more!

"Fat Amy"

            So the last time I wrote I discussed how I had a food addiction and how this has been really difficult for me to overcome.  I recently purchased some books to help me work through these issues, and both have been really helpful (if you'd like to know more about them , send me a message on my Facebook page.) They have thus far been very enlightening and have helped me to start to look at food in a new light.  It's been about three weeks and I was feeling really good, and felt like I made some progress.  Today when I got on the scale I was down five pounds even! But there was an incident today that really threw me for a loop.  Yesterday after my rounds in the hospital, I noticed a giant rip in the bum of my scrub pants, (these scrubs we are required to wear are garbage and half of my class has had them rip, no joke!) I was concerned over how long this tear had been in my pants and put it to my group of really great people, knowing they would have said something if they had noticed...No one noticed which means, whew! They must have ripped when I got in or out of my truck on the way home.  The next day at class we were all laughing and joking about it and one of my classmates offered a spare pair of his pants, I told him that I had a big butt and his pants wouldn't fit me, and after some of his insisting his pants were an XL, and they'd fit, I  told him these that I had were a 2XL.  (this alone was shameful for me, but I never put too much into it as the sizing is really weird for these scrubs too, I normally wear a large in ALL the other scrubs I've ever owned)  another classmate said "Damn! 2XL??" I really didn't bat an eyelash because I joke around about being fat with these guys all the time. At that point in time, it seemed like it didn't bother me.

           Sitting back today and reflecting on everything that happened after that point, I was wondering what made me eat like a crazy person today when I had been doing so well for the last week.  That's when I stumbled across something in my readings that hit me like a ton of bricks.  The author asked us readers to write down why we tend to eat in secrecy, away from others, and what we think other people would think if they saw us eating they way we did in secret.  "What would _____ think if he/she saw you eating what you wanted to eat in front of them?" It brought me right back to this issue today, hell, it brought me back to the third grade when the boy I liked called me thunder thighs! So I let myself have cake, and then we went and got ice cream with the kids, and then I ate so much at dinner that I felt really full. 

            I'm going to have rough days.  I'm going to have great days.  I'm going to have people who support me and people who don't understand me.  He didn't mean to be hurtful, I know that for sure, but it did hurt, and that is my fault.  I allowed myself to be in this position by making fun of me first, by trying to make light of my shitty situation to feel like it was something that is acceptable.  Be the funny fat chick, make fun of yourself first, like in Pitch Perfect, I'm fat Amy.

Seriously...I called myself out so that others wouldn't.  And it sort of backfired today. But, I realize that I can't put myself in that situation with out feeling really vulnerable, I wasn't prepared for the emotional backlash that followed and it fucked up my whole day.  But it's not ruining the rest of my life.  I'll take my tender bits, dust them off and try better tomorrow.  Taking this journey one day at a time.

The long, hard road

It has been a while.  Life gets crazy and it gets hard to keep up with these kinds of things in the daily grind.  But as it is the beginning of the month, I find myself in a real tough spot emotionally.  One I keep finding myself in over, and over again.  I recall saying I'll never go back to 200+ again once I got down to 198.  I remember crying tears of joy because, before kids, I seriously never thought I'd get that far, and I did.  And tragedy hit me and I gained 26 lbs back but with the help of my girls at work, I lost 13 of it.  Dang I worked my ass off too! I was feeling good, starting to look good(ish) and then nursing school happened. Over the course of four months I've managed to gain almost every pound I lost back.  12 of 13. Oh, I've been going to the gym, at least 3 times a week, running at least twice a week for 2 miles each go, and weight lifting 1-2 times a week too.  The issue is I have this addiction disorder (It actually runs in the family.) I am a food addict. I eat my feelings; when I'm bored, mad, sad, tired....It's been pretty bad lately.  And it's obviously not something I come right out and talk about, not seriously anyway.  You can team this up with my fancy bipolar disorder and the fact that I can blow through money like its toilet paper sometimes too.  They go hand in hand some days.  I don't even realize I'm doing it, that's the scary thing.  I walked into a store for one reason and walked out with a box of giant cookies that I ate almost half of by myself.  I was starving yesterday after clinicals and went to get lunch and grabbed ice cream too.  I spent money on TWO things I really didn't need, WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT! That's almost scary. 
I weighed myself as is customary on the first of the month, and usually when I do this I have lost something from the previous months, but these last two months my stats have gone up instead of down.  I cried as I took my measurements because I can see the damage I'm doing to myself.  Breaking through the addiction has been my biggest road block.  If I can't fix this, I can't fix me and that has never felt more real than right now in these moments. Food addiction is not something you really think about, but when you look at just the addiction part of it?  I mean, addiction is very powerful, if you can't get to the bottom of it, it never goes away.  I've seen it with my own family, you replaced one vice for another.  I've seen people who have has gastric bypass do the same thing, you exchange one vice for another.  If you can't beat the addiction altogether, you're really effed.  So I've been working on breaking down this major stronghold in my life.  I 've got a couple books I'm working out of and they both tell me that journaling is a great tool for helping to navigate through these waters, and I've been pretty dammed honest and open here in the past so here goes nothing.  I'll never quit my pursuit of finding a healthier version of myself.  I'll keep on trying until I'm either where I need to be or dead! Most of the time I post stuff here to encourage or motivate, today I'm the one who needs the encouragement and motivation! I'll keep posting as long as I physically can, it's really hard to find the time to journal with school demanding so much of my time!! But please, if you pray, pray for me, if not, send me good vibes, luck, whatever, tomorrow is Lu's b-day so pizza, ice cream, and cake.  Hooray. Just how I need to start this month off!!

The Frustration Station

Guys, it's really difficult to write and do this whole blog thing when I don't actually  have a functional computer. Trying to write on my cell phone or tablet is insane. I tried to do a video blog but my phone ran out of space for me to finish so I had to delete a bunch of pictures and by then I was just over it.  Not sure what I was thinking when I decided to get back on the weight loss diary wagon without the proper equipment. But what I do know is that this time my weight loss hasn't been coming easy. Working out and eating better haven't been giving me the results I usually get.  I even did my beloved military diet with little success. So far, the only thing I've been losing is my patience! I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I have managed to lose a couple of pounds and a couple inches, I just figured I'd be a bit better off a month in. Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint, I just need to keep reminding myself.

I am in the midst of a liver detox/cleanse right now in hopes that may help  I'll give the details and progress on that next time.  I've had issues with my enzymes being out of whack so I'm trying to be nice to my one and only liver by cleaning it out.  I will also be cutting more calories from the diet, which sucks because I like to eat more when I'm working out hard.  This bout has been much different from my previous attempts and it pisses me off!  Is it because I'm getting older? Who knows! To add injury (and I mean it quite seriously!) to insult, my knees have been loudly protesting my work outs. Much to my frustration, my efforts to run have largely been defeated by my body's tendency to want me to stay fat. I've gotten in 3 runs in the last two weeks. That's about 3 shy of my marathon training goals. I've got 12 weeks until this marathon and 2 knees that are ready for me to quit.  As it stands, this may be my last "run" and I'm pretty broken hearted about it. Running was my key to losing weight the last go around so naturally I'm a bit worried I won't be able to meet my goals.

I still have set some lofty goals for this month and would like to lose 10 lbs, and I really think that I can, it just requires some tweaking here and there. So I hope all of your efforts are going better than mine right now! Until next time, stay thirsty my friends!!