It isn't easy

I didn't even remember what website I blogged on that's how long it has been since I have done this.  That's really strange for me.  It's not like I haven't had anything to say for over a year. But the fact that I am taking time away from studying for my big physio test tomorrow so that I can jot down my feeling today means that there are many things prattling around in the brain.

Today at work I received the dreaded call from Ethan's school.  I have been steadily getting calls a least once a week from the school about Ethan's behavior for the last 3 weeks or so.  This means that I have to leave work, head out to the school, and go fetch my child and either, calm him down and send him on his merry way back to class, or pack him up and head home.  On top of the IEP meetings and such.  He is having a rough time again this time of year, and while last year we thought it was based around a certain life trigger, this year there was no such event that could have caused this.  It's just his form of spring fever. 

Now, when I have to come and get E from school I never know what state I will find him in.  The first time I was called was because he was having an epic meltdown where he destroyed three classrooms, only for me to find him happily having lunch in the cafeteria.  The next incident he was curled up in an assistant's lap crying his eyes out, it took me an hour to get him to calm down enough for me to go back to work.  Today when I got to the school, I found Ethan in the boys restroom with a shirt and underwear on and covered in water and soap bubbles, he was in such a state that he didn't even seem to know I was there for almost ten minuets, despite me talking to him, he just looked right through me.  It was such a weird feeling. I have always said that we are "blessed" that Ethan falls into the high functioning category of the Autism spectrum, lately I don't feel that way.  It is hard.  Harder than I would ever wish for anyone to experience.  Maybe it's because he is so high functioning that we expect more from him? Maybe because of that we don't think that these types of behaviors should happen? Really though, no one told us anything. 

I cannot even begin to explain how deeply frustrating it is telling your child that every time he goes poop he has to wipe, flush, and wash, because it's a miracle if he does so without us telling him.  Or that we need to guide him through showering: Get in the shower, wash hair, wash body, get out of the shower, because if we don't  he will sit in the running water and not do a single thing.  The boy that most people see, even close family, seems perfectly normal for a 7 year old child, maybe a little quirky, but normal.  The boy we see is vastly different.  Can you imagine the emotions you would feel finding your son with out his pants and shoes on in the boys bathroom covered in soap bubbles and hearing that he peed on not only himself but was trying to pee on the aids in the bathroom trying to keep him safe too?  You'd lose your damn mind, and that's what I did.  Out of my frustration I started to cry, and I really hate crying in front of others. But I am just so damned exhausted, and frustrated, and tired.  And I feel like a failure.  I feel like I am a terrible mom.  I punish him because I don't know what else to do.  Because if I don't I am too weak and am going too easy on him. I get judged by my own family for the parenting choices I make, I am seen by my co-workers as untrustworthy since I am always having to leave work, to some of my friends I complain too much about how hard things are.  Not to mention I can always feel the weight of folks stares if we go anywhere in public and he loses his mind.  We have had people move away from us in restaurants because of the way the boys have acted.  Sometimes I think that if E was a more severe case it might be better, people would look on us with sympathy instead of with judgement.  That *might* make me feel a bit better, I don't know.

"I don't know how you do it!" I do hear that often, yes, my plate is very full.  My therapist tells me that every time I go to see her.  I just read an interesting article today that talked about this "I don't know how you do it" phrase.  Like I have a fucking choice? I can't stay home, I have to work.  I want to be home more so I have to go to school to be able to make enough money and work only one or two days a week.  I didn't get to choose to have an Autistic child or a wicked little three-nager running a muck (though there are days I really wish I'd have stayed on birth control!) But I made the choice to have kids and these were the one's I was blessed to watch over and raise and I love them NO MATTER WHAT! I had no choice in my dad dying, I have to live through that, I can't just quit and say "NOPE, NOT TODAY LIFE! You don't get to be hard!!!" So I don't know how you don't know how I do it! I have to do it. I just need love and support and understanding.  All the things that all of us moms need from each other.  Not the other junk.  And today, life wins, I am defeated.  I suck, I fail.  And that's ok, because tomorrow is a new day and a new struggle and maybe I'll win that one, and maybe I won't, but I won't ever quit. 

(I seriously need to go study so I am not proofreading :P )

August update

Here it is as promised!
This last month I hit the official year mark.  It was last July that I started taking baby steps to getting my health back on track for good, and a year after many slip ups, false starts and stupid injuries I am very proud of the 35lbs that I lost.  I would be lying if I told you I was happy with that number over a 12 month time span, but I wish it was ten or so lbs more.  But it is just a pleasant reminder that I still have lots of work to do! I'm not where I want to be yet but I am on my way, and that is the important thing! I f I lose another 35 over the course of the next 12 month then I will be pretty pleased with myself!
Remember that time I injured myself and stopped working out for like 3 months and gained like 8 lbs back? Well after a serious battle I am happy to report that those 8 lbs are gone, over the course of the last 2 months doing the bikini body mommy challenge.  I'm telling you, it costs me nothing, NOTHING to do this workout, she offers it free and it is effective! Most of the work outs are very brief, I'm talking 10-20 mins and every other day is a cardio day that can be either 45 mins (it doesn't all have to be at once either!) or 20 mins of HIIT ( high intensity interval training). You can do it! It works you hard but it's so worth the few minuets, very much!
But, I will confess that since starting work, these past 3 weeks have been wishy-washy with  my workouts, this last week, I only did *gulp* 2 of 6 workouts.  And last week wasn't much better, but I knew that the adjustment to going from full time mommy to full time working mommy was going to take its toll on my body and I am just trying to re-group and get back on the dang horse again! I am still being pretty diligent (as I am making brownies right now *for bible study, ok?*) about what I eat and allow myself one free day a week, which usually consists of a free meal and a special treat, not going nuts all dang day.
How is work you ask? Pretty dang good.  It is so much more laid back than a hospital setting, I may never go back to that! I get lots of praise from my managers and from patients, something I rarely got anywhere else and I feel really good about the work I am doing.  The kids have adjusted really well, actually,  I am the one who has a hard time leaving them behind with out getting emotional, most days I drive away from E's school a bit misty eyed, but my work is rewarding and the time away from the boys is what I really needed.  I got my first paycheck Friday and spoiled myself a wee bit. It feels nice to be making a financial contribution to the family again. 
Ethan is doing really well in school and the school psych says he is functioning better than some of the "normal" kids in his class and we have therefore decided to not seek out special ed classes fo rhim at this time, the only thing we are dealing with is the subject matter that they are currently learning is a bit remedial for E and we are investigating bumping him up to first grade.  We have parent teacher conferences next week and will go from there.
But, back to fitness. I signed up for the Tinkerbell 10k (6 miles) in January and need to start training again for that. The goal is to PR my mile time to 10 mins per mile and finish in about an hour, this would be setting me up for the half that will be run next year as well.  I keep saying I want to do one and I chicken out! So committing to a 10k is a baby step in the right direction.  There's a 5k out here in Hesperia in a couple weeks that is free that I am most likely going to do, again, I'll be trying to PR my 5k time each race I run.  But to do that that would mean I need to get off my ass and start running again! So my soft goal for the month of September is to lose 5-7 more lbs, putting me at around 190 lbs.  Just close enough to goal #2 of 176 (pre baby weight) so again, wish me luck!!!

30 day bikini body results and more

Adjusting to my new schedule of working full time has been easy so far.  I ended up feeling exhausted a few days, it kind of snuck up on me Thursday and I passed out on the couch watching bubble guppies with Lu, but week 1 of the new family lifestyle was pretty good. It has also officially been (past) 30 days on the bikini body mommy 90 day challenge and let me tell you, it is the hardest, easy workout plan I've ever done! I'm  logging a (most weeks) 6 days a week workout plan and have seen some decent results the first 30 days.  I've officially lost 5 lbs and 4" off my stomach and thighs! My two worst trouble zones! Woo hoo! And while I have done the whole day 1 vs day 30 photo thing, I still am not happy with the way my body looks showing that much skin, so perhaps those photos will be strictly before and after. 

I've been having some slow progress since I am struggling to get back into healthy eating habits post injury and it is taking a lot longer to figure my shit out this time around!  I had a couple weeks where I was stress eating like crazy, and emotional eating teamed up with PMS just is an ugly, ugly thing.  Knowing that I am still struggling with emotional eating a year after starting this process really sucks and I am not sure why I can't quite break the bad habit.  I really need to start doing some digging, of the emotional sort and get past it so I can kick my weight gain's ass! I have lost all but 3 of the 8 lbs I gained back from my stupid injury and while I personally feel like it should be better than 5 lbs and 4" I know that I should be glad for whatever results I get, because sometimes, I really haven't worked hard enough to deserve them!

I think what is hardest for me is knowing how hard I worked to get out of the 200 lbs mark only to screw up and put myself right back up there, and now I've been stuck at 201, 202 the last couple weeks, fighting to break the 200 mark again.  A place I said I never wanted to see again.  But stuff like this is going to happen, as my own dieting history has shown, and I am going to have to fight really hard to get to where I want to be.  I have to taste that desire again, I have to learn that you can't out-train an bad diet, and eat to live not live to eat, etc..... My diet is the one thing I haven't been able to beat.  I can work out a mean streak, but that means nothing if I down half a freaking pizza in one sitting.  Usually when my eating turns to crap I can remedy this by doing the handy 3-day military diet, but I have not even been motivated enough to do that.  Ugh, I guess I've just hit a rough patch. 

My official update will be on the 4th, just like every other month and I'm hoping I can take those last 3 lbs off, maybe a couple more??  Wish me luck, I still really need it!!!

Sprinkler Sprint 5k

So we participated in an other awesome 5k this past weekend in Las Vegas, this time it was a family affair

I saw a friend advertise this event on her facebook page, she participates in many of the runs out there in Vegas, and I figured it would be an awesome mini vacation for us all. Heck it is summer and what sounds more fun than running through the streets of Vegas being blasted by water at every turn?

It was the first edition of this run, so it was a bit of an experiment, and while it was well organized and pretty fun, it was certainly lacking.  There were 4 areas where you were blasted with water, the first was an icy tunnel that had a few fans and some misters, so we did not get very wet at all.

 

It was alright, just enough to cool you down a bit.  We had to go almost a mile before seeing or coming across another "event", a water truck going up and down S. Las Vegas Blvd.  It was pretty brief but we got a bit wet.  I was a little bored at this point and we engaged in our own water bottle fight. Lucas did not enjoy getting wet at all.

(Nice stink face, eh?) Next we came up on a trolley with 7 people on it with water guns.  Didn't get very wet there either, a bit disappointed.  We then spent almost the entire last 1.5 miles just running the streets of Vegas.  As we rounded the last street there was the water cannon station where we got the most wet, I was hoping the whole race would have been a bit more like that spot, there were lots of people at that part so you really got soaked. Again, all it did was piss Lu off even more. That lead you to the popsicle area which was pretty cool and to the finish of a slip and slide, which two of the four were broken.

Didn't stop my E and C from going down it! The end of race party had a water truck and misting station so we got plenty wet then.  My overall opinion on the race was that it was pretty fun, a bit boring as the stations were spread out too far, but I can see the potential for this to be epic in the years to come.  It went well for it's first try and we would do it again. Well, 3 of the 4 of us anyhow.

let's get physical

Ya, I just went there. But it's time to get cracking ladies and gents!

This officially concludes the first year of me working my butt off and losing over 30 lbs.  No more sad, frumpy, boring mommy moments for me.

So long!  I'm working towards getting back into my pre-children shape, and I've got about 20 lbs to go. 

I'm sitting around 178 in this photo, and I'd like to do even better than that and take off another 20 lbs making this years goal total 40 lbs to lose.  That would put me right around 160 ish, once I get there if I choose to keep going I will, if not I'll be going into maintenance mode.

Here are the things I have learned in the past year:
*This is a process, there is no quick fix.  You didn't get unhealthy overnight so don't expect to get back to healthy that way either! It takes WORK, diligent, hard work, not just a few minuets of cardio a few times a week either. 
*Daily workouts.  Right now, I am doing 3 days of HIIT (high intensity interval training) and 3 days of cardio for 45 mins. So aim for 5-6 days a week, anything less will not give you consistent results!
*Weight training is a must kids, muscle burns fat! Weight lifting is MORE important than cardio for weight loss! If you want to burn the fat off you need to build up the muscles under it!
*You cannot out-train a bad diet! Eat to live, don't live to eat, I still struggle almost daily with this one! I love food, too much and the love affair stops here and now!
*You are going to slip up from time to time, hell, I am still recovering from the damage I did while I was nursing an injury, instead of sticking to my diet, I turned back to food for comfort and gained weight that I worked super hard to take off! But the key here is to not give up, it's a bad day, not a bad life! Even if it is a bad couple of days, stop that crap and get your butt back in gear! Never, ever  beat yourself up for screwing up, that will lead you to failure!
*Find someone, anyone to help keep you accountable! This is a really hard change to make, it would be so much harder to do alone! Even if you feel uncomfortable reaching out, know that at least I am here going through this with you and I always have an eager ear to hear! USE ME! Or find someone who will tell you to "put that cookie down and give me 20!"
*Celebrate the little things as well as the big things! So you didn't lose any weight but you lost 3" off your stomach? That is some shit to be proud of right there! Progress is progress no matter how "small."
*The scale is not your friend! I used to weigh myself every day, and then my scale broke and it is a bit liberating.  Just work out and eat better to feel better, don't let the scale rule you! Weighing yourself multiple times a day is obsessive and unhealthy and it won't help you achieve your goals! Go do some squats instead if you feel tempted, the burn you'll feel after is much better than any number on the scale!

*Remember your goals.  Keep the prize in sight when you don't feel motivated to work out or when you are tempted to eat like crap.  Does skipping a workout get you results? Does a cheeseburger? Then ask your self if you can really afford to skip the workout or eat that cupcake!

*Lower your standards of personal "perfection." Would I love to look like this:

Um, yes please! Will I ever look like this? Not with out thousands of dollars of surgery.  You know what your body is capable of, make realistic goals, like fitting into pants 4 sizes smaller or feeling confidant in a bathing suit.  Not to look like someone who has a different body than yours.  Cuz no matter what you do , you can't fight the shape God gave you, but you can sure as heck enhance that bad mother and feel like a goddess in your own skin!

Now get busy!

 



Uh, sorry about that...

I know.

I have been relatively absent from all things health and fitness related. Guess I needed a hiatus? As you may recall, I had a blast enjoying my injury (not,) and working really hard at losing tons of progress! Yea! And also, as you may recall, I have not had a scale.  So imagine my surprise when I stepped back onto my parent's bathroom scale to find a whopping 6 pound weight gain.  YIKES! Talk about a reality check, guess you can't skip working out and start eating ice cream everyday and expect to keep a minimal weight gain.  So just to recap, I had injured myself in late April, and from May 4th to July 4th, only gained 2 lbs as a result.  From pure laziness and stupid stress eating, I gained an additional 6 in 3 weeks.  This is horrible. Like I was pretty depressed about that number for a few days, and rightly so!

But, instead of quitting, instead of shaming myself and falling back into old habits, I just dusted my ass off and hit the ground running, twice as hard! I still have a lot of work to do, as it has only been a week, and old habits y'all, they die HARD!! I have started a 90 day program from this hot momma here. These work outs are very, um, simple and easy? In all reality, they seriously kick your buns! And I need a good kick in the buns! I don't follow her eating plan verbatim, but changes are being made, little by little.  I am pretty stoked I made it through one week and didn't skip a beat at all! Can't wait to see how I look in 30, 60 and 90 days. Maybe I'll post all the pictures...if you're nice...

No day but today

Yesterday was a day filled with nothing but sadness and regret for me.  For many of us.  But it showed me something very important.  Something happened in that choir room many years ago.  A family was born.  An incredibly large, completely insane, and dysfunctional family.  And as a family we have grown, welcoming in the new, and we have lost, mourning together as one.  Clinging close to each other no matter how far apart we are, no matter how many words have been spoken between the years. 

I will not let another tragedy come and go with out telling you all just how much I love you.  Thank you so much for being my "family", for giving me a safe harbor during the tumultuous teen and early 20 years.  I rejoice with each and every one of you, with whom I am in contact, I cheer in your happiness, I cry in your sadness, I root for you, I pray for you.  You and I may not speak often, or really even at all, we may just dance around each other's lives, but I still care very deeply for you! You are my family.  Jason was my family. I was so proud of him.  And I never told him.

Life is just too short to not take this moment and say that you are still on my mind and in my heart, wherever you go, whoever you are now, I will always cherish you and the memories we made in that choir room, tour bus, hotel room, drama room.

There's only us, there's only this, forget regret, or life is yours to miss, no other road, no other way, no day but today.