Holidays and the epic husband fail

Valentine's day is supposed to be one of those holidays that you love when you are in a relationship. It's a day for your S.O. to show you their love and appreciation, by sometimes giving jewelry, flowers, or candy. A time for a loved one to feel validated, worthy, and, well, loved!

Now, flashy gifts aren't always what your lover may be looking for, but it is very nice to know just how loved you are. Sometimes it is just a simple homemade card or breakfast in bed that really shows your lover how much you really do care. All in all, it really requires little effort, minimal, if any cash at all, and just a touch of thoughtfulness to do something special, be it big or small.

That doesn't happen for me. Like ever. Ok, maybe my husband has done something one or two years for V-day in the entire 10 years we've been together, but it was pretty damned forced, and many MAJOR hints were dropped that if he didn't he'd surely be in the dog house for the rest of the year. But other than that, he absolutely lacks the capacity for any sort of romantic gesture. You see for him, Valentine's day is pretty much all about getting physical. This sort of thing may have been acceptable before we got married, but now he pretty much relys on the fact that he should be getting lucky at least twice this month (his birthday is also this month) and therefore puts no thought or effort into any sort of gift, romantic gesture, or food product. It is very disappointing being me every Valentine's day.

Now, my husband is a very lucky man.  Not a single holiday goes by that he isn't reminded just how much his wifey truly loves him.  Even on the holidays where we have zero cash to spend on each other I still always put some sort of thought into doing something extra special for him, like a note in his lunch, handmade cards, baking various delicious treats, or when I can, buying him something he wants or needs. Every holiday. But him? He never puts much thought or effort into any holiday at all. My birthday? "Sorry, we had no money." Mother's day "But you monitor the bank account like a hawk." Our anniversary "Oh, that's today?" Christmas "Here's a gift card to coldstones!" (I really don't even like ice cream). It's lame. Every holiday I come up empty handed, and always there are about 20 lame excuses as to why he didn't do anything for me.

So not only do I hate valentines day, but pretty much any holiday where under normal conditions, the ones you love do something special for you. Because I know my husband will fail on the most epic level possible. Is is possible that he clearly just completely lacks the imagination? I mean, my dad even does stuff for my mom and he's pretty un-motivated to do damn near anything at all most days! So I kind of don't buy into that bull. 

Now, he does on occasion get me gifts, as in this last Christmas, 2010, he did buy me the Tiffany necklace, but I'll tell you right now, I suggested quite heavily that he should get it for me. I even gave him the money, took him to the store and showed him which one it was, and made sure he got off his ass and got it for me. Which means I pretty much bought it for myself and he took the credit for it. That is the extent of his gift giving, I have to meticulously plan it ahead of time and then I know exactly what I am getting and when. Again, lamesauce! The man can't even take a hint.

 I've learned over the years that I must have extremely low expectations from this guy, therefore any little tiny thing he does do for me will come as a complete shock, I mean, I 'd be fucking floored if he actually paid attention to something I said and got it for me! (See, I even used the F word to prove how truly amazed I'd be) Because this guy is just not romantic at. all. And I live with it, always dreaming for just a tiny bit of creativity, but knowing that he is who he is and that I love him anyway. This is the man I chose to spend my eternity with, and I'll tell you it was not because he was a hopeless romantic.  Maybe someday he'll get the hint, but I won't hold my breath!

parenthood

This last Sunday we had a super bowl party with our bible study group.  It was the first time the group had been around our son.  Two of the women in my group are teachers and they said that for an almost 4 year old, my son was very bright.  One, a first grade teacher, said he was smarter than some of her students! And everyone went on about how well behaved and well mannered he was.  In fact, when around others, they frequently compliment my sons manners.  All of this makes me bust at the seams with pride.  Why? Because it means that despite what I think, my husband and I are doing something right.

What these people don't know is that last weekend my sister and I were literally dragging him out of the mall kicking and screaming because he was throwing the hugest temper-tantrum of all history. I have only been super embarrassed as a parent once, and that was it. 

Some days it's like having two different children.  He's an angel one day, all cuddly and huggy and kissy to me, "Mommy you're my princess."  The next day he is like the spawn of satan, and I  hear wonderful little gems like "Jesus doesn't love you and neither does daddy," or "You make me so sick mommy," as he sits in timeout.  Boy I can't wait for his teenage years!

There are days when I know why some species eat their young, and other days when he amazes me with his knowledge, or his kindness, or his faith in God. On those not so good days I can't help but wonder if something is mentally wrong with him.  Why does he do this or that? Why doesn't he understand the simple concept of listening, or of consequences? What is wrong with him? Then there are days when I feel like it's all me.  Am I doing this right? Will he be in therapy for years because we spank him? Am I teaching him the right things? What am I doing here at all? Who let me have kids?

I mean, I am still new to the job here.  I have no other experience to base my findings on yet.  I'm hoping for much more luck this next time around! But really, how do you know when your kid is just being a kid and when there really is a problem? My husband and I have discussed going to seek the advice of our doctor, not because we really feel like Ethan is broken in any way, but mostly for the peace of mind it would give us.  If he's fine then I know I just have to tough it out, and maybe start drinking more. And if there is something wrong then that's fine too and we'll just move on, on the best path for him.  Mostly I need to hear that he is just a toddler being a toddler form someone who knows kids.

They don't tell you when they hand that tiny bundle of baby over to you in the hospital just how hard this job will be.  They don't give you instructions, other than feed it, clothe it, and keep it safe.  They don't tell you that it doesn't get any easier when they start to walk, and then talk, and then talk back to you, and then say horrible things to you. If they did, I believe there wouldn't be such a huge population! Hello China, I found your solution! Show those crazy SOB's a pre-schooler with an attitude, or a teenager going through puberty! But you learn life together, you go through those rough patches as a family.  Some parents only mildly damage their children after it all, some children damage their parents, and some, on both ends, royally screw it up. But I don't think any parent goes into having a child with the feeling that they intend to emotionally scar their kid for life.  It's all part of the learning curve.

Life is messy, as a blog I just read so perfectly put.  Even when it looks neat on the surface, there's still some dirt under it all.  Anyone who pretends to have all their shit together isn't fooling anyone.  In fact you're probably the most messed up! But I'll take my mess, my obstinate child and his temper and all his flaws any day.  God only gives us what He believes we can handle, and I am so glad to know that He thinks I am a real bad ass! Because He sure dishes it out!

It would be so nice if more parents were able to share their insecurities with one another.  Think of the wealth of knowledge we could all gain, think of the support! Instead of everyone just trying to pretend that they have it all together, so much more could be accomplished by being honest. The "Dude, I have NO CLUE what I am doing here with this kid! Help!" Instead of " Oh Samantha is just perfect! Such an angel all the time, we're so blessed!" Blech! No one believes that bull shit! In fact I may start my own support group, called "Most days my kid is great, but some days he's a real asshole." And we will all be truthful and honest and share war stories and also share the good stories too. And there will be wine, lots of wine, and cake. And maybe pie...anyone with me?

9 weeks and counting down!

Yikes! We are in the single digits now!! Only nine weeks left until life is totally turned upside-down!

Things are still going ok over here, I keep remembering just how unpleasant the last trimester is.  My body feels like crap all the time and my nausea has returned! Yea!! I am thisclose to going back on the anti-nausea medication I was on in my first trimester!

My doctor visits are now bi-weekly so I will be stressing even more about my weight, which is still fine.  I guess since I was constantly harassed by my last OB about my weight at each and every visit, I keep expecting to get the same verbal lashing from my current OB. But she keeps assuring me that everything is just fine.  And at this point I have only gained a mere 26 lbs in comparison to the 50 or so I gained the first time around.  I am being much more careful this time around as my poor body cannot possibly handle another 70 lbs! Besides, I was only able to lose 30+ of that 70 from E so if I gain 30+ with LJ, I know I can handle that!


I posted on facebook a few days ago about a fall I had on Sunday night, which has prompted me to wear only flat soled shoes until LJ gets here, for the safety of both of us! I still have a sore knee, ankle and wrist and doing yoga was actually unpleasant a couple days ago as a result! I am very lucky that I didn't fall on my stomach and that nothing is broken! That could have been much worse! I guess after a while you have to realize that you have limits, so anything with a heel (sniff, sniff) is gone!

Am I a little freaked out that I pretty much have only 2 months left? Maybe. I am feeling better knowing that at the end of this month we will be 100% ready for LJ's arrival so I am not freaking out just yet.  He is measuring right on track so I am not worried that he will end up coming early, well, early as in this month anyhow! As for now I just sit back and count the days! I keep thinking that in the very near future, I will be doing pretty much the same thing, but with a baby. Not sure how much my life will change, but I'm looking forward to it.

 P.S. Can you believe it's already February?

Hurry up and slow down...and other random thoughts

I think that most women, while pregnant, feel as though those 9 months go by excruciatingly slow. I can't exactly say that I feel that way.  I look back and wonder where the last 6.5 months went. I seriously feel so unprepared, like he's going to be here tomorrow and I've got so much yet to do. I was looking for baby mittens at Target a few weeks ago, because we didn't register for any clothes for Lucas and I really felt like I needed to have those mittens rightnow. The one Target I went to must have been re-doing all the baby stuff they had because not only could I not find the damn mittens, but I couldn't find any other infant items (onsies, socks, hats, etc,) as well, and you wouldn't believe the panic that set in because of the damn lack of mittens.  It was like my whole world was going to collapse, like I was going to be officially branded 'asshole mother of the year' because I had 3.5 moths left in my pregnancy and no mittens to show for it. Today, Target did have the baby mittens and I carried them around in my cart the entire time I was in the store, having some relief that I had acquired the wondrous mittens! By the time we were finished I put them back. Like I really need to have mittens right this minuet? I've got 10 weeks left and a pretty limited budget. I think that it's ok to wait a few more weeks for mittens. But that crazy panic sets in every once and a while! I am going to have another baby in a very short amount of time!

 Today my nesting took a toll on my truck, my poor, filthy truck.  We have had the family truckster for about 2.5 years and it has really taken a beating in that time.  No one ever tells you that once you have a child you will never have a clean car again.  I cleaned up paint from E's art classes, soda and food stains from my dear husband, who takes his lunches at work in his car, and trash from months ago. I also tackled stains of questionable nature on the seats (which thus far have defeated even my cleaning abilities,  but I will win damn it!), dust and dirt and grim from years of kids and husband, and I vacuumed about a half ton of gunk off the floor.  That puppy sparkles now like a brand new penny, and 20 bucks says my husband won't even notice. It will look like a dumpster again by tomorrow. Sigh.

Why do you never have a camera handy when you need one? Today the boy was playing with the cat on our bed and the image of my son cradling this giant cat who happens to be about as long as E is tall, was completely priceless. But alas, camera and cell phone were safely tucked away in my purse on the kitchen counter. Boo.

Yesterday my best friend and I took a random trip to Disneyland with our kids.  It's really funny because we both used to go together all the dang time. If you have ever spent time with the two of us you know we have random inside jokes about pretty much everything, and Disney spares no expense.  It really makes life come full circle in a way knowing that here we are (or were for that matter) at this place that still hold so much magic for the two of us, with our children.  Of course I am hugely pregnant and she has a 4 month old so you can imagine how productive our trip was.  Especially getting two huge strollers on and off the tram, while my son was sleeping. Holding a 35 lbs toddler while 6.5 months pregnant is not something I wish to do again anytime soon. But we had fun and I look forward to when the kids are older and we can all go together again (preferably with husbands so they can do the heavy lifting!). Perhaps one day we will be going with our grandkids too!

So I only have 10 weeks left of pregnancy torture and I can tell you I am pretty stoked about that! I'll be really glad to sleep on my back and stomach again, even if I only get to do so for 30 minuet stretches! I am eager to see what this little boy is going to look like, and get to know who he is going to be. And everywhere I go I'll see an adorable little baby and I just want to stick him in my purse and run away. But I refrain from craziness knowing my own little one will be here so soon! And jail is no place to give birth, so I have heard...But I am feeling alright, I have my ups and downs. Some days I feel like I'm still in my first trimester and I want to vomit at everything I see or smell, and some days I feel like I'm not even pregnant. Most days I'm tired, cranky, and hungry. It's like a wonderful surprise each morning when I wake up! Just how shitty will I feel today!?

**And just a little side note here about my profound love (not) of being pregnant:
I understand that there may be readers here who are trying to have children or who wish they had a family or whatever the circumstance, and my complaining about being pregnant is in no way meant to highlight the struggles and frustrations some people may feel when they read about so and so bitching about her pregnancy. I have felt that way a time or two myself. As you may recall, getting pregnant this time around was an extremely difficult and heartbreaking process for my husband and me, and there was a time I felt like I'd probably cut a bitch for talking about having morning sickness and whatnot, but now that I am here, I realize, as well as most women on this wacky roller coaster, that pregnancy sucks. But my complete hatred of pregnancy doesn't make me any less of a good parent, and it doesn't make me resent my children and it is in no way keeping me from trying again for a third child. Best way to put it? Imagine having the flu for nine months, and tell me you wouldn't bitch about that yourself? Right. And if it still bugs you that much, stop reading.

"Mom"petition

Such a touchy subject. And who among us has not committed this sin? (If you honestly think you haven't ever done it, you're one of the worst offenders! True story!)

It seems the instant you become pregnant everyone is filling your head with 'ideas' on how you should raise your child. Some of the info is generally helpful, while for the most part, much of it can be down right condescending.  I mean, when it comes right down to it, don't you, the parent, know what's best for your child? I'm pretty sure I've done my fair share of what other people may think are parenting no-no's.  For instance, I spank my son. Some people think that is totally barbaric! How could you? Gasp, call CPS, this bitch is crazy and beating her child! When honestly, what difference does it make? It is my and my husband's decision to choose how to discipline, feed, nurture, praise, and grow our children into the adults we think they should be. No one else has any say in that.

So why then do we all as moms feel the need to tell each other, be it subtly or not so subtly, that what your doing is wrong? What is with the mompetition?

What is with this need to feel like other moms suck at child raising? And that you are indeed "winning" at this parenting thing? The need to judge how other moms choose to raise their children is overwhelming!  Do we do this because we really feel like total parenting failures most of the time? And if we see Sally Soandso doing something downright atrocious, does it make you feel better about you and your own shortcomings?

Maybe it just falls into women being uber competitive with each other even before children come in the picture.  Suzie has more friends than Jenny, Tasha has bigger boobs than Evie, Megan married a lawyer while Christy married a plumber, etc. From the beginning it seems that women are hardwired to compete against each other in this strange contest. Does anyone know why? I sure as heck don't! But it seems to make sense. And while Evie may never have bigger boobs than Tasha, she can gloat in her mind that she is a much better mom because she only feeds her children organic food while Tasha is the fast food queen! Do you sleep better at night Evie? Probably not.

You would think that as moms we would be coming together, sharing horror stories and bonding over a lack of sleep when it really gets down to that fake smile, ass out hug, and air kisses everytime you see another mom you know,  then you go talk shit to your husband about the fact that she lets her kids drink soda! You know dudes don't do this stuff. Can you imagine your husband in this conversation with his buddies:

"Oh my gosh Paul, you will never guess who was at the playground today texting away on his iphone while his kid ate fist fulls of dirt!"
"Who, was it Norm?"
"Yes! Can you believe that guy? I mean, put the phone down and watch your kid!"
"Ugh, seriously! That guy is so father of the year!"

 Ha ha, right? But you know you've probably had a conversation similar to that with your girlfriends. (again, don't lie to yourself, we all do it, this is a safe place where no one is judging you...) Maybe we just shouldn't care about those things.  I mean, it's not your kid who is eating dirt, or wearing disposable diapers, or who is formula fed, or who is still not potty trained, and on and on and on, so why do you care? You don't have to deal with it? And every mom knows that when you get home, your little angel isn't such an angel after all. Some days kids suck! Being a parent is hard and no one is blissful and happy after you have children! Sorry, they are hard work!  I always say (post child) that being a parent is the hardest but most rewarding job I've ever had. Why would we even think about being better than the next gal? Honestly, if your kid grows up and doesn't go on wild killing sprees, doesn't get robbed by a hooker, has some sort of job, and doesn't end up in rehab 178 times you've probably done a pretty dang good job, despite all the hater-mom's opinions out there. So next time you catch yourself starting to judge someone over their parenting choices, stop and think about why. Maybe we can put an end to this garbage!

Calendar

Just got our 2012 calendars today (thanks mom!).  It brings up all sorts of excitement and anticipation for the upcoming months,  and the promise of a fresh start that a new year gives us .  What does 2012 hold for us?  Filling out each month with the necessary information, birthdays, Dr.'s appointments, parties, etc., leads me to wonder what each new month will hold. 

Will March bring that big promotion that my husband is up for? (prayers are indeed needed for this one, if you would)
Will we have our own home by May?
Will we be able to take a nice vacation for our 5 year anniversary in July?
Will we still be living in the high desert in September?
 Will we be going to Florida in October?
Will we have a big Christmas this year with our newly expanded families?

There is so much this year that I am looking forward to, and I feel it in my heart that this year will be so much better for my family. It makes me eager to see the time fly by and welcome each new surprise with open arms.

I still got game, yo...

Most days it's a small miracle if I have my teeth brushed before noon, let alone be showered and made up. Today I at least had the teeth brushed, not that it mattered in this circumstance.

While walking home from my parent's house (who live literally right around the corner,) two gentlemen decided that I looked hot enough from behind to proceed to pull over and hit on me. "Hey baby, how you doin?"

There's no mistaking that I'm pregnant at this point in my life so my initial reaction was shock, followed by a "Really?!" Then a "I'm five and a half months pregnant, want this now?" Which prompted them to speed away. Because no matter how hot the piece of ass in question is, no one wants to play baby's daddy to a kid that isn't theirs, right? And I hate being judgemental, but these fine fellows appeared the part that wouldn't play baby's daddy to children they had created themselves in the first place, hence the speedy getaway, I'm figuring...

But at the end of the story, I'm not sure if I should be offended or complimented at this point. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what happened. In my pre-baby days, getting hit on at random places was something that happened often enough that it didn't really bother me, but walking home, while pregnant, in sweats and a thermal, with no make up on, and yesterday's crappy hair do in a sloppy pony tail? What is the world coming to?

Maybe it's nice to know that after being rode hard and put away wet by life, this girl still has game. Watch out fellas, pregnant is the new sexy!